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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Why Your Team Sucks: Denver Broncos

Illustration for article titled Why Your Team Sucks: Denver Broncos

Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.


1. Well, that all went to shit in a relative snap. I don't think I've ever seen an organization go from model franchise to baffling train wreck so quickly. Have you ever seen a new coach wear out his welcome faster than Josh McDaniels? Usually, it takes at least one regular season game before the fans start drunkenly calling for your big stupid head. But I mean, really, HOLY SHIT. Look at this Neckbeard pick, Broncos fans. You get THAT for a whole year because Pat Bowlen got miffed that Jay Cutler didn't return his fucking phone calls, and because McDaniels decided a QB who can throw for 4,500 yards just wasn't good enough for him. Here are some quotes from actual Broncos fans in the wake of Jay Cutler's trade.

Josh McDaniels is the motherfucking antichrist as far as I'm concerned. He needs to die in a fire yesterday. Jesus FUCKING Christ…

Josh McDaniels, I hope you choke and die on Pat Bowlen's dick…

In honor of having the Neckbeard, I'm drinking tonight. I have to work tomorrow but I don't fucking care. It's not every day that your team gets Kyle Orton for its best player. God damn it…

I've got to look at that fuck on the sidelines every game, and enjoy watching my team turn into the FUCKING Patriots, only without the success.


And this was even BEFORE Orton stuck it up in the preseason. Here are some MORE delightfully hateful quotes from Deadspin readers.

The team is now in the hands of a hated no talent ass clown, a queef stain of unprecedented size, stench, and douchitude. Fuck you to death, McDaniels…

I'm also looking forward to future drafts with McDaniels, in which he drafts 5th round character guys in the 3rd round and magically turns first round picks into second round picks. He's crafty and shrewd like that…

Way to establish a reservoir of good will there, Josh. That state is fucking bonkers for the Broncos, and it took you all of one offseason to drain their enthusiasm entirely. Why don't you and Todd Haley try winning a game before trying to go all Macho Man on everyone else? It's as if every Belichick disciple sent into the world magically turns into the Cleveland Belichick. It's uncanny, really. The only thing they bring with them is surly, arrogant dickishness, and not actual football acumen.

2. Hey loogit, someone just got themselves suspended. The team just now suspended charming wife beater Brandon Marshall for the rest of the preseason for conduct detrimental to the team. Which leaves the Broncos a receiving corps of Eddie Royal and the cast of "Fame". It's a refreshing change from the days when the team brought in criminals like Maurice Clarett. The team's new position: no players of ANY sort. I think that should be an improvement.


Marshall is a turd, to be certain. Just look at the report from practice:

The punishment stems from Marshall's shameful display of unprofessionalism during practice Wednesday. He was lackadaisical during individual running drills. He didn't run routes or catch passes during another position drill, instead choosing to hold a dummy and knocking the receivers as they came off the line.

A KMGH-7 video caught Marshall punting the ball away after one drill instead of handing it to a ball boy, as the players are told.


But keep in mind: the Broncos may look like good guys for suspending Marshall. But they were the ones who also asked Marshall's ex-girlfriend to keep quiet about the all the fun times Marshall tried to wipe ketchup off of her mouth using a fucking brick. But now that he's been lazy in practice, OH NO! WE NEVER LIKED THIS FELLOW TO BEGIN WITH! Way to box yourself into a corner there, fellas. What a disaster. Oh, and the defense is horrific.

3. They became the 49ers after the 49ers stopped being the 49ers. During their late 90's Super Bowl title runs, the Broncos came to epitomize pretty much all of the annoying qualities of the Niners during their dynasty. Arrogant coach branded as some kind of genius/mastermind/guru/giant throbbing brain in a glass jar? Check. EXCESSIVE, ILLEGAL CUT BLOCKING? Check. Flagrant salary cap violations? Check. Lame end zone celebration? Check. (The Mile High Salute? Really?) A distinct whiff of organizational haughtiness that makes me want to paint the walls with their children's blood? Oh yes. Only the Broncos were worse because Shannon Sharpe was also involved. Any team that gets Shannon Sharpe a Super Bowl and the right to brag about it for years to his 37 bastard kids is a team I want no part of. In fact, let's just make it a separate item.


4. FUCK YOU, SHANNON. Let's take a walk down memory lane and revisit these quotes from Shannon to Rick Reilly:

I got three kids. You didn't know that, did you? Let's not go into what happened. Three kids, all born around the same year [1992], when I acted a fool. Three kids by different women, just say that. I'm not proud of that. I was stupid. But I love my kids. Two girls [Kayla and Kaley] and a boy [Kiari]. I call them. I see them. I'd love to call them and see them more, but I hate talking to their mothers! Hate! My grandmother didn't raise me to hate anybody, but I really hate hearing their voices. Why? Because if I was Joe America, making $20,000 a year, I don't think I'd have any kids, put it that way…

"It's too bad. I think I could be a good dad. I'm not bad, but I could be better. I had two rottweilers [Kane and Killian], and I treated those dogs like humans. They slept in my bed-and not just at the bottom. They had to sleep on the pillows. I'd go to Morton's [steakhouse] and get them steaks! They had birthday cake on their birthdays! They had chicken gravy on everything they ate! But they died. I will never have a pet again, because I never want to feel as bad as I felt when they died.


So to sum up: Sharpe won't visit his kids because he hates their mothers, but if he was a better dad, he'd feed them too much gravy and kill them. Awesome.

5. They're Rick Reilly's favorite team. That's why there's no BUCKING them this year!


I'll let reader Justin sum up his hatred of the Broncos best:

The irony of John Elway's horseteeth and Shannon Sharpe's horseteeth together on a team with a Horse for a mascot, Terrell Davis' knees and braces, Barrelman, Fans shouting INCOMPLETE in unison, The Drive and The Fumble and my life as a Browns fan, Mile High anything, the entire Cutlerfuck saga, Brandon Marshall slipping on a McDonalds wrapper and literally morphing into "bad" TO, no name fucking fantasy running backs single handedly ushering us into the "running back by committee" era, Karl Fucking Mecklenburg, Little Tommy Jackson, Rulon Weedeater Bowl Jones and any other "Orange Crush" alumnus, The Three Amigos, Their original AFL uniforms, Coors, Pat Bowlen, Dan Reeves, Mike Shanahan, 32 year old head coaches named McDaniels, Coors Light, Football on TV and TWINS!!! Gah!

For starters.

Well said. Fuck the Broncos, and fuck Colorado.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the AFC West, AFC North, and AFC East to go.

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