Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
1. Great googly moogly, Todd Haley is an asshole. When you get to be my age, you become very good at that Gladwellian skill of thin-slicing people: recognizing, within just a few moments of seeing them, what kind of person you're dealing with. It's skill honed by attending weddings, cocktail parties, and any number of other events where you're forced to interact with complete fuckheads. And Todd Haley is a complete fuckhead. Watch this video and tell me he isn't the coach from "Dazed & Confused". Listen to him say to Jamaal Charles, "You better take care of MY football." What a fucking dick. It's not your football there, fella. The league issued it to the team. It's the team's ball, and you can shove it up your ass. Jamaal Charles isn't toting that rock just for you. Is that supposed to motivate him? Would Belichick, asshole that he is, ever pull that high school coach act? I'm no fan of player's coaches. But there's a clear line between a coach who won't take any shit, and a coach who's just a megalomaniacal jackass, and that's Todd Haley. Ask yourself, would YOU want to play hard for this raging dickface? Fuck, would you even want to play for a guy named Todd? No, you would not. Todd is an asshole name. THAT'S A FACT.
I'm sure there will be an open spot for Todd Haley in college football once he's stabbed by his own men and fired three years from now. He'll likely end up at Auburn, or some other SEC school that happily deifies self-aggrandizing cocksuckers. Todd Haley is one step away from being Marty Mornhinweg, cruising out of practice on his motorcycle like a complete idiot. The fact that Scott Pioli is in charge doesn't mean that Haley won't go the way of every ex-Belichick assistant turned head coach out there. Fans assume guys like Haley will be the next Belichick. Even worse, Haley himself probably believes it. He's Saban with the Dolphins. I guarantee it.
2. JAZZ ODYSSEY. When I think of pointless American cities, my first stop is always in Missouri, with St. Louis and KC. Congratulations, you two. You are in NO danger of ever being killed by a terrorist with a suitcase nuke. Any terrorist worth his salt knows blowing up your city wouldn't affect us one bit, and would probably serve to only improve our great nation. You're right up there with the Buffalos and Indianapolises of the joint: faceless flyover towns chock full of fat people and TGI Fridays. Oh, I know KC has barbecue and jazz. Well, I fucking hate jazz. Jazz is scat singing with horns. The only reason people listen to jazz is because they like the idea of being someone who listens to jazz.
As for barbecue, you can't get that anywhere. "But Kansas City has the only TRUE barbec…" yeah yeah, shut the fuck up. I'm immune to America's regional barbecue pissing matches. MEMPHIS BBQ IS BETTER! NO, KC BBQ IS BETTER! NO, CAROLINA BBQ IS BETTER! It's barbecue. It's slow cooked meat with sauce. It's good everywhere. I'll eat it, regardless. Why don't step away from hog pit and concentrate on making your town famous for something every other city doesn't also do well?
3. Fuck Neil Smith and his Band Aids.
4. Matt Cassel doesn't have history on his side. Since the end of the Len Dawson era, the Chiefs have been home to perhaps the most consistent run of average quarterbacking the world has ever known. DeBerg. Bono. Green. Chiefs QBs have always been competent enough to lead them to the occasional 13-3 year and absolutely, positively, no further than that. It's uncanny, really. There's never been a Chiefs quarterback who made you sit up and say, HOLY SHIT! (Except that time Bono ran for an 80-yard TD against the Cardinals, but that was the Cardinals). Playing QB for the Chiefs all but guarantees you are some giant white stiff who's good at times, but never great when it truly matters. And so it will be with Cassel. It doesn't help that the team's defense it still fairly putrid. 6-10 for you, you faceless, bland assholes.
5. The readers have their say. The Chiefs seem to have a history at being okay at one phase of the game, and not terribly good at the rest of it. Reader Alison knows this all too well:
Did you know the Chiefs won a Super Bowl once? You would if you were from Kansas City because you are never, ever allowed to forget it. This year is the fortieth anniversary, which would be a lot more touching if it didn't mark forty fucking years of not making it anywhere all that close to repeating the experience and if they didn't honor the 1969 team every single year like it just happened yesterday. You know how the Chiefs should honor the fortieth anniversary of the '69 team? By letting everyone in town have the chance to punch Len Dawson in his big smug face, because fuck that guy…
If you want a true statement of how much the Chiefs suck, consider that our modern heyday is defined as such because it mostly involved making the playoffs every year and then promptly losing. And we were never all that surprised at losing, either, because at no point in the 1990s can I recall realistically believing that the Chiefs would make it to the Super Bowl, much less win it. Just watching them was excruciating. Remember the Chiefs offense of the Schottenheimer era? It was Marcus Allen getting 100 yards a game six inches at a time. It was like Chinese water torture, and this is when we were winning. In 1995 we had home field advantage throughout the playoffs and then lost in the divisional round at home to Jim fucking Harbaugh by three fucking points because Ray fucking Finkle missed three fucking field goals. Bring this up to a Kansas City fan and they'll sigh fondly and say, "Yeah, remember when we used to make the playoffs?"
And Jason B.
My roommate during my freshman year was a huge KC Chiefs fan. The Broncos intercepted a Chiefs pass and the dude went NUCLEAR. He literally trashed his room, kicking in the drawers of a metal filing cabinet so the top and bottom was bowed out, and the coup de grace came when he threw a pair of scissors, blade first, at his hollow core closet door. They were embedded in the door up to the handle.
I used to think he was an exception to Chiefs fandom, but I was wrong. I quickly found out that the KC Chiefs turn even the most reserved person into rabid hillbillies who willingly spout racial and sexual epithets at whoever is playing against their team. They'll also tell you that the Chiefs are a superior sports team no matter the sport, never mind the fact that they can't win a game against a Special Olympics track team.
And James D.
Todd Blackledge. Year after year of former 49's quarterbacks. Trading Rich Gannon away to end a quarterback controversy with (an inferior) Elvis Grbac, just to have Elvis bolt for a free agent deal with the Ravens. Some truly frightening (in a good way) defenses in the 90's wasted by Marty Schottenheimer's inability to coach once the playoffs come around. Some truly frightening offenses (in a good way) being wasted because Dick Vermeil and Al Saunders were to busy showing the world that Mike Martz was not the sole force behind St. Louis' Greatest Show on Turf to find a single useful defensive player. Carl Peterson enjoying the media sparring with agents too much to ever get a 1st rounder into camp on time. Wasting Tony Gonzalez's best years by never managing to win a playoff game (Good luck in Atlanta, Gonzo, I would have wanted out, too). Trading Gonzalez away in an effort to aid rebuilding before giving up and signing any wide receiver over the age of 30 who could make a tryout. Larry Johnson only managing to stop pouting about something (anything) long enough to slap a bitch (or two, or three).
The Ring of Honor that used to grace the inside of Arrowhead Stadium with the name of past greats proudly displayed for all to see? Well, it's in a very nice little alcove off behind a concession stand now. So if you go find it, I hear it's really well done. And don't worry, if you still want to see them from the bleachers during a game, they'll be scrolling along the bottom of one of the scoreboards. That's how you honor true legends. The home field advantage that Arrowhead used to be so known for? That's hard to maintain when you're letting the 2008 Buffalo Bills hang half a hundred on you. Oh yeah, Todd Haley was nice enough to bring the Arizona Cardinals defensive coordinator with him. So while we know we can't recreate last year's Cardinals offense without Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, there's still hope we can recreate last year's Cardinals defense. And to top it all off, the Kansas City Chiefs will be wearing Dallas Texans uniforms for three games. Nothing says KC pride like a helmet with picture of Texas on it.
Damn it all, now I'm depressed AND pissed off.
Don't forget about trading Jared Allen! You did that, too!
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