Why Your Team Sucks: San Francisco 49ers

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Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. Because I'm still enjoying their fall from grace. Lest you have any sympathy for the 49ers during their prolonged run of shittiness this decade, please do take the time to remember just how fucking obnoxious this franchise was in the 80's and 90's. This was the franchise that tried to give Chris fucking Berman a Super Bowl ring. This was the franchise that was run by a convicted asshole racketeer who continually forced the idea that the 49ers were the NFL's classiest franchise down your throat. This was the franchise that invented winning titles with as little personality as humanly possible, well before Bill Belichick ever thought of it. This was the franchise that paid players under the table. This was the franchise that taught John Madden how to suck dick. Long before Brett Favre came into the league, Madden was privy to working the 49ers' shaft like he was being paid in platinum bars for it. This was the franchise that gave us Brent Jones, who was Dallas Fucking Clark before Dallas Fucking Clark was Dallas Fucking Clark. This was the franchise that always carried the air of being above the rest of the NFL, acting like their farts smelled like rose petals and honeysuckle.

Well, the tide has turned, you fucks. You thought you were so highfalutin. You thought you were the only franchise that did things "the right way". Well, look at you now. You're homecoming fodder, and you play in a windswept port-a-potty of a shithole stadium. There's no precious Bill Walsh to make you feel all crazy smart, 49er fans. He's been replaced by a trou-dropping lunatic. And you have one of the worst ownership situations in all of sport. You fucking suck, and you deserve to suck for as long as you have, if not much longer. This is what you get when you act all high and mighty, you fucking pieces of shit. I'd say more mean thing about the 49ers fans, but they probably stopped following the team sometime around 1999.


2. Look who's replaced the Cardinals as the most hilariously inept team in the NFC West. Let's go back to November 10th of last year, shall we? The 49ers loss to the Cardinals that night was the kind of loss the Cardinals used to suffer from. Alas, now it's your turn, 49ers. It was your team that took 30 seconds to spike the ball at the 1 with 56 seconds left. It was your team that elected to run the ball on second down when they had no timeouts left and clearly should have passed. It was your team that got a break from the refs to review the play and then used the opportunity to call a failed dive play for Michael fucking Robinson on the game's final play. That's a downright Lionish fate. And while Mike Martz is gone, the man in charge that day remains. Enjoy.

3. Nothing beats drafting a wideout high, failing to sign him, and failing to provide a decent QB for him to work with. From Montana to Young to Garcia, no team was able to transition to new quarterbacks like the 49ers did. Now they have the delightful Alex Smith-Shaun Hill diarrhea combo plate. You people are going to RUIN Frank Gore and Glen Coffee, you know that?


4. Most overrated city ever? Most overrated city ever. Talk to anyone who lives in San Francisco and they'll adopt that uniquely arrogant, only-in-California attitude that they live in the most perfect place on fucking Earth. "We go mountain biking! And we only eat locally grown produce! We could ski in the morning and surf in the afternoon if we ever tried!" Fuck right off, San Franciscans. I've been to your supposedly flawless little burg. It's dirty. There are methadone clinics every five feet. You need to wear a fucking sweater there during July. Homeless people litter the streets and shit in the alleyways. And visiting Napa Valley is like visiting a really shrubby desert populated with fucktard wine snobs and rich liberal hedge fund owners. Fuck you, fuck your seafood, and fuck your shitty team.

Although I do love saying the name San Francisco. Say it really fast and with a Spanish accent. SANFRANSEESSSSSCO! It's a fun name to pronounce, like Hebert.


Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.