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Would You Let Alex Ovechkin Bite You?

A new start-up called Ambrosia, profiled today in Business Insider, is offering olds the opportunity to fill their veins with young people’s blood, which provides vague and questionable benefits for the vampiric elderly. At current prices, one liter of youthful blood will run you $8,000, while two liters are a steal at $12,000.

Alternatively, if you’re Alexander Ovechkin, you can avail yourself of a 22-year-old’s blood for no charge at all! In a video brought to public attention today by Capitals blog Russian Machine Never Breaks, from before a Caps game against the Golden Knights last month, we see Ovechkin calmly walk over to kid winger Jakub Vrana, put his hat over Vrana’s sweatshirted arm, and take a big ol’ bite of it. Vrana, after yelping in pain, grabs a hold of Ovi’s arm and tries to return the favor, but he prompts literally no reaction from the sharp-toothed veteran.

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that straight men can get up to some weird blood-adjacent shenanigans in the name of masculine bonding, but this feels a bit more, uh, sober, and a bit more regular than should be normal. Ovechkin isn’t spontaneously one-upping some horseplay; he looks like he’s been craving Vrana’s meaty wing all day. The chicken in his traditional pregame carbo-load must have been overcooked.

As RMNB points out, this appears to be tradition for Sasha, though his tastes have apparently shifted away from 23-year-old André Burakovsky, who came clean about his captain’s cannibalism in November.

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So, the obvious question from all this information: Would you let Alexander Ovechkin chomp down on your arm?

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CON: Look at this mouth. Do you want this mouth on you? Think long and hard before answering, while also considering, when do you think he last brushed his teeth? Some former hockey-playing pals estimate that Ovechkin likely took a nap after the morning skate, and then probably brushed when he woke up around approximately 3 p.m. Based on the video, the bite didn’t occur too close to the puck drop of 7 p.m., local time, but still, a lot can happen in just a few short hours.

Also, I can’t tell if Vrana’s embellishing the pain a bit to be a goof, but it doesn’t exactly look like a pleasant time for him. It’s a pretty sensitive area Sasha’s going for, and even with the cushion he provides, those teeth are likely going to do some damage. There needs to be some tongue in there if it’s going to feel good.

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PRO: Um ... he’s Alexander Ovechkin! Scorer of over 600 goals! Producer of over 1000 points! I think he knows what he’s doing when he’s snacking on nubile limbs. No disrespect to the very promising Vrana, but that is a living legend on your team, and if I were you, I’d want to learn everything I could. Sure, the method might seem unconventional, but as Ovechkin’s drawing strength from the sharp pain in your bicep, he is also likely imparting some life lesson that you will fully appreciate a decade from now.

THE VERDICT: Ovi can nibble, but he better not leave a mark. I’m seeing my parents tomorrow.

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