Last month, news reports began to surface that a centimillionaire professional athlete may have been unfaithful to his wife. Next someone's going to tell me Barney Frank is sodomist.
Really, I haven't heard a revelation this shocking since learning that a certain sex-addicted rapist had a long-running extramarital affair with the female business partner whose marriage he wrecked and who would later serve 22 months in prison to avoid incriminating him. (Gee, I always assumed there was something ineffable about Bill Clinton's character that was capable of inspiring that sort of self-destructive loyalty in women he hadn't had consensual sex with — not.)
But as aggrieved I am to be the one to break this to you, I am going to have to wager that a forensic investigation of Laura Govan's underwear drawer would most likely turn up the DNA of someone other than the babydaddy of the four-year-old she conceived with her estranged ex-boyfriend shortly after he signed a $65 million contract to play for Michael Jordan's team on the other side of the country.
I know, I know: you too must be shocked to learn that a woman who is engaged to a man who was forced to fake an illness and miss a critical game in order to dodge the paternity suit with which she was threatening to serve him on national television would — after all they had been through together! — be unfaithful. And risk a flare-up of the deep-seated "trust issues" her fiance has harbored towards women since being abandoned in a crack den by his own mother as a small child? How could she?
But what of Shaq, you wonder. And I feel your pain: In spite of the venerable reputation of the news organization Young, Black and Fabulous — which many in the chattering classes see emerging a legitimate rival to the esteemed Crunk & Disorderly — I too was loathe to believe such a teddy bear of a man would succumb to the proverbial Appalachian hiking trip with woman who was already spoken for. After all, as the couple told Extra TV last year, how the couple had toiled to reconcile after his first bout of indiscretion/s!
But facts are facts, and evidence is evidence, and here's what no one's disputing: On or around 10:25 p.m. on the evening of March 5, 2009, one Laura "Lonnie" Govan, the fiance of Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas, emailed Shaquille O'Neal to say, "just wanted to let u know i am here," and proceeded to disclose the name of her hotel.
To which Shaquille O'Neal, happily* married father of six, replied that he was obliged to attend some sort of social engagement first, and asked if he could "come put it in" when he returned, provided she disclosed her room number.
And lest you wondered if it didn't "depends what the meaning of 'it' is", Ms. Govan replied at 10:38 p.m.:
"LOL ur crazy! As long as u taste me n make me cum LOL."
And that, in case u didn't quite catch the significance of that exchange, that was feminism n action. He suggests intercourse, and in return she demands oral sex, thus refusing to subjugate her orgasm to his. The dominance of this transaction in the current landscape of American sex lives represents perhaps the most valid claim the last two waves of feminist movements can make to a single positive legacy — although it more credit is probably due to the Pussywhipper In Chief. (U think Michelle lets POTUS just 'put it n?')
And I know you don't need a refresher course in Hegel to know what this means for u, taxpaying Americans. Between the soaring rates of abortion, welfare queendom and Red State IHOP waitresses looking to dabble in miscegenation, the well-lubricated slope that connects "more women deriving enjoyment from sex" and "the staggering costs of Obamacare sending the American economy the way of Zimbabwe" is not particularly long. The average pro athlete or randy CEO will find sire so many kids he'll qualify for a WIC card, and their lawyers will laugh all the way to the bank…
And while I'm at it: reading the emails I can't help but think of another (supposedly unintended) consequence of the women's movement I read about recently in a book by the same liberal economists who gave Roe v. Wade credit for Rudy Guiliani's crime policies: when educated women started being encouraged to enter the workforce, they stopped becoming teachers, and as a result our children is no longer learning anything. Call me old-fashioned, but LOL, 4 that they give u a PhD?
Maureen Tkacik, J.D., is a fellow at the Doublethink Initiative and the author of nine books, most recently How To Talk To A Philosophy Major: And Other Curious Things I Learned Gallery-Hopping And Shoe-Shopping With The Godless Trustafarian Hypocrites I Met In The Ivy League and, with Samuel Wurzelbacher, If It Looks Like A Libtard, Talks Like A Libtard And Smells Like Patchouli…. She lives in New York.