Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
Visa has these ads running all season long featuring four old guys who have been to every Super Bowl, forty-four in all. Each of these men wants to go to 50 Super Bowls. Now, doesn't that strike you as the dumbest fucking thing ever? These shitheads are wasting untold amounts of money and squandering precious vacation time all so they can brag about having gone to the Super Bowl every year. Meanwhile, those of us with brains are saving our money, staying at home, getting shitfaced on floor wax, and enjoying NOT having to negotiate crowds and sitting in a nosebleed seat at a game that was specifically designed to be a better viewing experience at home.
Those Visa guys are jackasses.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Patriots at Bears: Speaking of Chicago, I just finished the book "Devil in the White City," which is awesome. The book tells two stories, alternating chapters between the conception and building of the 1893 Chicago World's Fair and the story of HH Holmes, the serial killer who murdered at least nine people during the time of the Fair. Holmes had a special hotel built that doubled as a slaughterhouse for his female guests. He had contractors build a soundproof vault next to his office, and had them put a gas line into the vault that he could switch on from his desk. So the way he killed people was that he'd ask them to fetch something from his vault, then he'd shut the door and just leave them there until they were dead, or he'd speed up the process by turning on the gas. HE WAS A ONE MAN HOLOCAUST. Can you imagine? God, that's so fucking evil. So simple, yet so horrible. I mean, JESUS. And what a dick! He didn't even have the courtesy to shoot or stab his victims. He just left them there. I bet Belichick kills underlings the EXACT same way. Ever since reading the book, I've taken great care to make sure any room I enter has the door at least somewhat ajar. Otherwise, a madman could clearly shut the door and lock it and then gas me to death, even in my own home.
Also, I know I'm a bad person because I read this book and spent every chapter about the Fair waiting for the next chapter about the killin'. I'd even peek ahead to see how pages until I got to the next murder. Murder is crazy fun. After reading it, I was like, "Man I should read about serial killers ALL THE TIME!" So I was at KOGOD's house watching the games a couple weeks ago, and he had all these books he said I could borrow. He had fancypants books from Michael Chabon and all these other people. And what do I choose to borrow? "Helter Skelter,", a book that KOGOD was ASSIGNED to read back in high school (he said many parents complained).
So I take the book home, and on the very first page there's a disclaimer that says WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ WILL SCARE THE HELL OUT OF YOU. On any other book, this disclaimer would be cheesy and gay. But this is the Manson Family story, so you know damn well they're warning you for your own good. And they were fucking RIGHT. I made it about twenty pages in before I had to put it down for good. It was fucking horrifying. It creeped me out so much that I began to believe the book itself was bad luck, so I tucked it in a drawer so that the demons couldn't seep out of it. I gotta get that book back to KOGOD. It's pure evil.
Chiefs at Chargers: I think Kevin Harlan is the white Gus Johnson. I know Gus would have an orgasm even if he was presiding at a fucking Keno parlor, but Kevin Harlan has just as much ability to get overly excited about things. Harlan used to be the official voice of the Minnesota Timberwolves, and I remember he did a game once where Kevin Garnett had a putback basket and Harlan screamed, and I swear these were his exact words: "KEVIN GARNETT! THE BAR FOR HEROISM HAS JUST BEEN RAISED!" I loved that line because it was so patently absurd, as if a putback basket in an NBA regular season game was the most heroic thing an individual could possibly do:
1. Putback basket
2. Brave enemy fire to rescue wounded Marine
3. Save eight babies in a church fire
4. Beat cancer
Kevin Garnett took the last three things on that list and absolutely BITCHED them with that basket. Don't think he didn't.
By the way, I think Gus Johnson would make a perfect QVC or infomercial host. I'd buy a Showtime Rotisserie Grill from his ass.
Rams at Saints: I like it when the play-by-play announcer gets mad at the kickoff person whenever they hit a kickoff out of bounds. Every announcer gets pissed at the kicker for this. OH, WOW! THAT KICKOFF IS GOING OUT OF BOUNDS! WHAT A HUUUGE MISTAKE! TO SCORE A TOUCHDOWN AND THEN HAND BACK MOMENTUM LIKE THAT? BILL BELICHICK HAS TO BE FUCKING LIVID RIGHT NOW! And he is! They always cut to the coach right after that happens and the coach looks like he wants to murder a baby. Except that coaches look that way all the time, so you don't know if he's really that upset with the kicker or not.
Raiders at Jaguars: Hey, what's Rashad Jennings doing bogarting Pocket Hercules' touchdowns? YOU LITTLE SHIT! THOSE ARE MJD'S LOBSTERS!
Giants at Vikings: Kevin Boothe of the Giants is crazy fat. Take a closer look during this game. He's all lumpy in weird spots. He's definitely Terrence Cody fat. I bet his tits have tits. I bet he could take down a Cheesy Bites pizza in five seconds flat. By the way, how the fuck do you hold a slice of that pizza? Look at the thing. There's nowhere to properly grip that abortion of a pie. The little white plastic gazebo that Pizza Hut sticks in the center of the box does NOTHING.
Ravens at Texans: The xylophone is the most overexposed object in world history. Every alphabet book in the universe uses either a xylophone or an x-ray to represent the X. So every three-year-old knows what a xylophone is, despite it being an utterly useless instrument. It gets way more coverage than, say, the bassoon. It's totally milked the fact that it starts with X for all it's worth.
Although I do like messing with my kid's xylophone. Listen to it hold that note! WHAT SUSTAIN!
Eagles at Cowboys: NBC refused to flex out this game, which means they're riding the Vick gravy train to big ratings. Nils Lofgren will be PISSED.
Dolphins at Jets: Never, EVER challenge the spot of the ball. You'll always end up getting fucked.
Colts at Titans: My wife told me my nose was getting bigger the other day. My first reaction to this, of course, was FUCK YOU, LADY! Then I went in the mirror and freaked out about it for an hour. Because it WILL happen. I've seen old people with the big noses and ears. You could build a ski lodge on some of those noses. I hate to think I've already begun that process at a mere 34 years old. I could be just a decade away from having a nose that can double as a convention hall (see below!). That will not be pleasant.
Bucs at Redskins: This whole Haynesworth saga in DC means I have to spend more and more time each day hearing people pronounce his name "Abbert Haynesworth." I swear, people in DC do not have any recognition of the letter L. It's fucking weird. Albert Haynesworth is Abbert Haynesworth. Gilbert Arenas is Gibbert Arenas. The Falcons are the Faccons. It's not so much an accent as it is a tic. It's unacy, I tell you! IT'S FUCKING UNACY!!!
Bengals at Steelers: Ike Taylor has an enormous head. He looks like Ken Griffey Jr. did on the Simpsons after drinking Mr. Burns' nerve tonic. He's like Megamind with cornrows.
Browns at Bills: There is nothing worse than getting horny when your kids happen to be around. I'm not talking about getting horny BECAUSE of the kids. That would be fucking disgusting. I'm talking about sitting there, and the kids are playing with their toys or something, and your brain is just like TITS! HOT TITS RULE! And then you start thinking about tits and you feel completely weird because your kids are RIGHT THERE and it's revolting to be horny in the presence of small children. Then your brain will picture you getting laid and then your kid will be like, "Hey Dad!" and then you'll be like, "Uhhh, I have to leave now!" just to get yourself out of the situation. It's an awful thing to have happen.
Packers at Lions: I got a bill in the mail on Saturday for $10,000 for a recent back surgery. This bill turned out to be a clerical error, but it took me until Monday to find that shit out. There NOTHING good that can come from delivering mail on fucking Saturday. All that comes in the mail are bills and Christmas cards with pictures of other people's ugly children and direct mail dogshit. I don't need any of those things on Saturday, especially a goddamn bill sent in error that will give me a stroke. NO MAIL ON SATURDAYS. EVER.
Falcons at Panthers: The official team sideline jackets this year are appalling. They look like a Motel 6 bedspread that's been painted with jizz. Not a good look at all.
Seahawks at 49ers: Mike Wilbon left the Post this week. Mike Wilbon is a shithead.
Cardinals at Broncos: They fired McDaniels! BOOSH! So long, Stalin Jr.! I'm very excited for Pat Bowlen to hire his bedpan nurse, then turn around nine days later and hire a potato chip that he mistakenly believes is Urban Meyer.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Are You Ready," by AC/DC. I haven't had a very good music year. Every year, I usually find one or two albums that I bust a nut over and play on a constant loop until I never want to listen to the fucking thing again. Apart from that Black Keys album, I still haven't found anything like that this year. But this is mainly due to laziness on my part. I'm sure there's something out there I'd really like. But I'm sometimes legitimately too lazy to listen to new music. What's that? You want me to sit there and do nothing while music plays? TOO MUCH EFFORT! My life is going to waste before my eyes.
Embarrassing Song I Once Liked That Will Not Fire You Up
"Blueside," by Rooney. I still have this song. I should really erase it, because I fucking hate it now. If I saw this band in a bar, I'd kick the lead singer in the fucking jaw. I had a whole unfortunate phase in the early 2000's where I listened to shit like this. I played Weezer's green album a thousand times, and even Weezer fans don't like that album. I even watched "The OC." Again, I have no explanation for this.
Fantasy Player That Deserves A Quick Finger In The Ass
Chris Johnson. It's hard to bitch out Cop Speed if he won you a title last year and put you in the hunt this year, but 58 yards rushing in two games is 58 yards rushing in two games. Really, this title goes to the entire Titans organization for going into the tank and ruining CJ2K in the process. Not only have the Titans quit on their coach, but the fact that hey also play Indianapolis twice in the final four games means the Colts are still probably gonna make the playoffs in a year where they aren't really very good. Stupid Titans! I was looking forward to this postseason being Colts-free!
I touched brain one that one!
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's picks of Green Bay, Seattle, and New Orleans were 3-0. The Jamboroo is now 22-9 on the season. Again, we pick three teams for your suicide pool and something that makes you want to commit suicide as well. This week, the picks are Denver, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, and this email from reader Bill:
My buddy JT currently has a 46 game suicide streak going. He has survived two full seasons in a row, and is one of 9 (out of 120) still remaining. This streak started with the Matt Cassel game for the Patriots, and survived 3 OT weeks in a row this year...Ravens over Bills, Chiefs over Bills and Vikings over Cardinals. This is the most ridiculous gambling record I've ever seen. He's also really fat.
He's fat? Good. Serves that fuckface right for being so damn good at picking in a suicide pool. Fuck that guy. HE'S A LIAR. HE'S A BIG FAT LIAR AND I TOTALLY BET HIS STREAK IS A LIE.
Seriously though, that's mighty impressive. If it's true, he deserves some kind of award or something. Sculpted out of salt pork.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Kansas City getting 6.5 points on the road against San Diego. SEVEN WINS IN A ROW. Seven! Read it and fucking weep! Now, I'd like to take a moment to call out Japanese discount chain Don Quijote Co. for pulling their Nazi costume party outfit.
"Some ally you fuckers turned out be. A couple Jews complain about a brilliant costume idea and you fold like two more bombs just dropped. YOU REPULSE ME. How could anyone be offended by such a great costume? Let me tell this you this: whether you're Jewish or not, if you're going to a party and someone shows up shitfaced in a Nazi costume, you've got yourself a memorable evening."
2010 Nazi Shark Record: 9-3-1
Great Moments In Fart History
Reader Robert sends is a story I call JOHN WOO'S FART TARGET:
After a Friday night of Mexican beer and Mexican food, the wife and I were at the Target early Saturday morning getting a few items. There was a rumble in my belly all morning and it hadn't yet made its way down to my colon to expunge itself. I knew a massive beer shit was on the way.
So, we're walking down one of the big aisles near the registers and there's quite a bit of foot traffic. I am standing at the end of the aisle while she's choosing from one of 1,578 types of hairspray. I feel a build-up and then realize I'm going to blow a nasty, rotten dead guy fart. I give her the, "let's go" and we start wheeling down the aisle and I let my pent up gas out in a satisfying, quiet pfffffffff.
I know immediately it is so heinous, they could have used it in the showers at Dachau. Just from the remnants lingering in my shorts, I had a small dry heave. Five seconds later, about 20 feet behind us a woman is walking diagonally across the aisle and then suddenly stops to wave her arms like she's being attacked by killer bees.
She then says very loudly, "Ugh!!! I walked right through it!!!"
Of course my wife was horrified while I laughed inside like a mad scientist.
That woman has some nerve bringing that up in a public space. If you get trapped by a fart, you take that fart LIKE A MAN. You don't go whining about it like some pussy.
BONUS Great Moments In Fart History
Reader Noam sends is a story I call NOAM CHOMSKY'S THE FART OF AN HONEST INTELLECTUAL:
My daughter (now six) and her cousin (also a six year old girl) were running around my brother-in-law's house (where we over for a BBQ), playing with Glarp or Gak or whatever that slimy shit is called. Basically pushing it into the little plastic cup it comes in over and over to make fart noises, and cracking up the entire time. So I called my girl over with it and said, "watch this, I can make this stuff make a noise without even touching it." They both come over and look at me with wonder in their eyes at the magic I possess. I hold my hand over the cup, pause for effect, and rip a huge fart. It reverberated. The girls realize what happened and start cracking up even more than before. My wife, sitting in the room, hears this go down, and stifling a laugh and with a smile, says "NOAM!" But it was too late. The rest of the afternoon, one girl would come up to me and pretend to fart while the other stood off to the side making noises with the glarp.
I feel like I've enriched another generation.
That Gak stuff is repugnant. Ever smell your hand after you've touched it? It's like you just fingerblasted a dead seal.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Wade Phillips (FIRED!)
Brad Childress (FIRED!)
Josh McDaniels (FIRED!)
I don't actually think any of the last five guys on that last will get fired. But we have to throw Whisenhunt on here for at least this week. I mean Christ, he's starting John Skelton this week. Remember, Whiz had all offseason to prepare for Kurt Warner leaving, and he decided to go with Matt Leinart before canning him just before the season started when he never really liked Leinart to begin with. With shrewder planning they totally could have had Jimmy Clausen! And think of what a success that would have been!
As for Shanahan, you spend twelve weeks fucking up the Haynesworth situation like that, you've more than earned your spot.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Kettle corn! A recent reader emailed in to express his profound disgust for kettle corn. He demanded that it pick a side between salty and sweet. And while I understand the fact that not everyone likes kettle corn's bi-curious nature, I'm totally okay with it. I'm way tolerant. The fact that it has the word "kettle" in it also ups its appetite appeal at least 14%. I'll eat any kettle food: kettle corn, kettle chips, Ketel One. Kettles make things good.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
EARTHQUAKE HIGH GRAVITY LAGER! I don't even know what high gravity means. I assume it has to do with you falling to the ground at an even faster rate than normal From reader Gabe:
.t's called Earthquake. It has a fantastic can. It contains 12 percent ABV, and it cost me $2.50. A real treasure.
Honestly, I had no idea it was even beer. I found it on the same shelf as the Four Loko and Joose, so I assumed it was new brand of alcoholic energy drinks. So, as a connoisseur of shitty liquor, of course I had to purchase it.
The first sip was actually not that awful. It was a lot like Steel Reserve, except a little sweeter with an aroma comparable to a sweet vodka-beer-draino concoction. But as long as you didn't smell while you were drinking, it was alright.
Until it warmed up. My god, when it warmed up it was like drinking slimy beer poison. That's right, slimy. I don't exactly know why it took on that texture when it warmed up, but needless to say it was a horrible experience. The final sips were all sorts of gagging fun.
But it was tolerable enough that I probably could be convinced to go through the experience next weekend. I mean, $2.50 for a 24 oz can with 12% abv? That's a steal!
It sure is! And who likes to smell beer while drinking it anyway? Smelling is for queers! Look at that fucking can. It's like it was designed by an epileptic (Epilepsy, coincidentally, is a side effect of drinking Earthquake). I MUST HAVE IT. I love art design that serves no purpose at all. Like the fact that the vowels in HIGH GRAVITY LAGER are all underlined. Why are they underlined? I'll tell you why, because FUCK YOU UNDERLINED VOWELS ARE HARDCORE GRRRRRRRRR.
I'll drink any malt liquor that has the same name as a subpar comedian.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP is Aaron Rodgers of the Packers! You want Roman Polanski stories? Oh, I have Roman Polanski stories, baby. What a man. Brilliant? YOU BET! Pederastic? ABSOLUTELY? Polish? One hundred percent!
"Now it's no secret that the Polack thanked heaven for little girls. FACT: The man had contractors install a jungle gym IN HIS MASTER BEDROOM. Now, I always told the Polack that nothing good could come of dating the grade school set, but anytime I brought it up, he always brushed me off. ‘Evans,' he'd say to me, ‘You don't get it. It's a European thing!'
"Well anyway, one year I'm having a holiday party at Woodland, and I go all out. Champagne? YOU BET! Caviar? DRUMFULS. Cigars, Armagnac, naked ballerinas, the whole thing. Well, we're all have a gay old time, when in walks the Polack with twelve (and I counted) 12-year-old girls, all of whom were dressed in Girl Scout uniforms. I asked the Polack what the hell was going on, and he told me that he was heavily ‘involved' in the Girl Scouts organization. So I let it slide because, fuck it, it's the holidays. And he's European! Then the Polack takes these gals into the kitchen and starts blending up Thin Mint grasshoppers for them to chug, with extra Crème de Menthe! Before I know it, these gals are running around and vomiting all over my finest Tunisian oriental! So I go to find the Polack, and someone tells me he's in one of the bedrooms. I walk in, and there he is, down on his knees, wearing an old WWII Polish ghetto boy's uniform, and one of the girls is whipping him with a spatula. AND NICHOLSON IS THERE TOO!
"And you know what Jack says to me? ‘Relax, Evans. It's a European thing.' WHAT AN AD LIBBER!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Panthers Fans
Amadeus. I saw this movie when I was a kid, and when Salieri comes to Mozart's door in that black mask, I was fucking terrified. I still am. If I were a serial killer, I'd totally wear that mask. And then, of course, I'd shit on your face. Not as evil as HH Holmes, but still evil nonetheless! AMADEUCEDROPPER!
This is a really good movie, by the way. I don't know why Tom Hulce ended up falling off the face of the Earth. I liked him in pretty much any movie he was ever in. I'd also like to one day have a powder and wig party, get really shitfaced and high, and then have the party devolve into an orgy. I bet that happened in Mozart's day all the time. People back then were freaky as shit.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"I'm with the shirt. Homework rots!"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Multiple galleries of mammarically gifted Czech model Denise Milani (NSFW) Some people have complained that I used a NSFW warning last week and there was no explicit nudity in the link (thong shots in today's link). But even cheesecake shots can get flagged at your work, so I'd rather be overly cautious than not. Stupid work.
-For the gals: Jim from Outsports sends in this photo of French decathlete Romain Barras holding a large wooden dildo. The only kind of dildo I like!
Enjoy the games, everyone.