It's finally here! Oscar Night! Speeches! Safe wardrobe choices! Four million references to "old Hollywood glamour"! Diet Pepsi commercials! Tap dance montages! THE WHOLE SHEBANG. I can't wait. I hope you've had as much Chardonnay as I've had, because I am feeling BITCHAY.
If you need a proper introduction to the evening, please consult Friday's hater's guide. Your host tonight is Seth McFarlane, because ... wait, why is he hosting? Aren't Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Kimmel available and close by? Bizarre. Your Best Picture nominees are:
• Dying Old People
• GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO
• Fuck Iran
• Fuck bin Laden
• AJ Daulerio Finds a Girlfriend
• Quentin Tarantino Avenges Black People
• Singing
• Deepak Chopra
• Mary Todd: The Story of a True Bitch
• GIRLS STARRING LENA DUNHAM
I'll be here all night posting pithy bon mots that someone on Twitter probably came up with half a second faster than I did. Stupid Twitter. Refresh the page and I promise new entries will appear at the top of the post and not the bottom. And join us down in the discussion to add your own invective. Let's do this.
11:55pm: Argo wins the big prize, which is cool by me because Argo was awesome. That's it for us, gang. This was goddamn endless.
11:54pm: Jesus, Mrs. Obama, get to the point. Take your industry campaign money and skeedaddle.
11:52pm: Jack is here to hand out Best Picture. Shitfaced? YOU BET!
WHOA HEY, Jack is throwing it to Michelle Obama. Oh man, there's a pair. He'd lick coke off her ass in a heartbeat.
11:46pm: Daniel Day-Lewis got the "NOW! NOW! NOW!" money shot for his Oscar clip. He will not be losing this evening.
Oh, and look who showed up! It's Joaquin Phoenix! Guess you weren't too good for this show after, you little shit.
Streep doesn't bother milking the suspense. She gets right to handing DDL his hardware.
11:41pm: God, that fucking The Artist music...
Anyway, Henri from "Cheers" is here to present Best Actress. I did not know that Amour included wife-slapping. That's so French of them. Your winner is Jennifer Lawrence, and I audibly gasped when she ate it on the way to the stage. I mean, she really ate it. I want to help her, perhaps carry her to a rain-swept barn and nurse her tender ankle back to life via candlelight and who is she to thank me I'm just a simple farm boy! We never meant to fall in love!
11:36pm: Ang Lee still looks floored to have won. Does this mean Pi is gonna get Best Picture to make up for the great Crash fiasco of two thousand something?! Probably not but let's make some pretend suspense while we can!
11:32pm: Jane Fonda is here with Michael Douglas to hand out Best Director. Remember when Fonda openly hit on Stephen Colbert on his show? God, that was horrible. I wish I could unremember that.
We got no shots of directors in safari hats during the nominee listing, which is a huge upset. Speaking of upsets...
ANG LEE. BOOM BITCH.
11:27pm: I'm stunned they aren't showing little script page shots in these screenwriting awards. They do that every year to make screenwriting look super important. Screenwriters are the most annoying people on Earth. "We gotta workshop this scene here..."
Tarantino wins Best Original Screenplay. As always, he treats his speech like a DVD commentary. His characters, mannnnn...
11:25pm: Mini-Seann William Scott wins Best Adapted Screenplay. He is fucking fired up.
11:24pm: Charlize Theron is here with Dustin Hoffman, who is the size of Kristen Chenoweth. Remember when Theron danced on stage FIFTY HOURS AGO?!
11:22pm: That's really a TV ad for an electronic cigarette, and there's really Foreigner playing in the background. FEEL COOL AGAIN, SMOKING YOUR NJOY KING.
11:17pm: I'm thrown by the fact that Adele has a last name. Also, Renee Zellweger was herself thrown by the idea of having to read the name of the winning song. WHAT ME, READ?! I'M TOO FAMOUS TO READ!
11:13pm: They gave three of the Best Song nominees clip jobs, which is basically a giant blinking sign saying YOU WILL NOT WIN. Zero fucks given to the Chasing Ice song. How did a documentary afford original music, anyway? That Life of Pi song wasn't a song! That was just the score, wasn't it?
WAIT! They've brought out Norah Jones to sing a song from Ted. I'm dying now. I can feel the blood draining out of my body. These people are on West Coast time. They don't give a shit about your bedtime.
11:08pm: It's past eleven and they're only presenting Best Score. Our lives are withering before our eyes. I have become the Amour lady.
11:06pm: One of the dude who won a short film Oscar tonight rocked RG3 socks to the ceremony. FUN FACT: It was Mike Shanahan who forced Kristen Stewart to limp onstage tonight.
11:00pm: Whoa, one of the dead guys got a special musical tribute from Barbra Streisand. Nora Ephron's corpse is feeling a bit shortchanged. Streisand looks like she's dressed to read your palm.
10:57pm: Clooney is here to introduce the death montage. Peter King says it was a busy year for death! Bonus points to you if the Academy lets you talk from beyond the grave during the montage.
10:53pm: "I believe this award is a recognition of the extraordinary generosity of our industry towards improving the real world." Are you fucking kidding me? Someone said that with a straight face? Eat a bag of shit, Katzenberg.
10:52pm: Jeff Katzenberg won a humanitarian award. He will bludgeon an intern to death with it next week. YOU CALL THIS LOBSTER BISQUE? THIS IS LOBSTER BULLSHIT.
10:51pm: MEXICAN PEOPLE TALK FUNNY! AMIRITE, SETH?
10:50pm: God, Kate Capshaw. She RUINED Temple of Doom. Just fucking took it and set it on fire.
10:48pm: Kristen Stewart, um, is like, um, here. Um, whatever. Um, she had some vodka and slept with the guy whose kids she was babysitting for. SHE'S JUST TRYING TO FIGURE LIFE OUT, PEOPLE.
10:40pm: Adele, dressed as a galaxy, does a fine job with "Skyfall." Unfortunately, there are OTHER Best Song nominees. And you will have to sit there and hear every last one of them. God, I hate this category.
10:35pm: Jennifer Lawrence is here to introduce Adele. Lawrence is dressed like she's about to get married. And she is... TO ME.
By the way, you would think selling tens of millions of records would buy Adele better fingernail acrylics.
10:32pm:Sandra Bullock is here to present Best Editing. Speaking of editing, she got the Janet Jackson nose job. "I'd like the triangular nostrils, please."
10:25pm: They have speakeasy girls handing out popcorn! Wahlberg is taking home six of them. Before fucking them, he'll tell them old stories about that one guy he nearly stomped to death. WHAT A CHARMER.
I feel like the voiceover lady plays way too prominent role in this broadcast. Do I really need a play-by-play lady telling me this is Anne's first Oscar? YOU ADD NOTHING.
I still say that nominees should just submit a list of underlings to thank that runs on a crawl if they win so that they can make better speeches. Surely they have thoughts about the state of the global economy. I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THEM.
10:24pm: "I'd like to thank my assistant stylist intern TWICE, just to make sure I include her."
10:23pm: Anne Hathway's nipples win! She's so classy I am DISGUSTED. WHAT A BITCH.
10:20pm: Christopher Plummer is here. Is that a false nose? Someone oil Hathaway's gears.
10:18pm: "Well, we didn't think we'd ever work on a Bond movie but we DID..." Oh, please! Continue! Where did you grow up? GET OFF THE GODDAMN STAGE. YOU'RE A HALF-WINNER.
10:15pm: A TIE for Sound Editing? Really? Is it worth splitting hairs over THIS category? "Well, we can't just reward ONE Sound Editor!" Your first winner is a dude who looks like Renny Harlin. Your second winner, again, is a dude who looks like Renny Harlin.
10:11pm: Mark Wahlberg has to present with Ted. Because having animated presenters always KILLS. I know that the audience is just awkwardly staring at Wahlberg and a tennis ball. Don't try to get me to suspend my disbelief.
10:09pm: Chris Pine! "Chris, I <3 when you… finger me in the doorway, lick my tight asshole and choke me so hard i can't breathe…"
10:05pm: IT'S EVERY LES MIZ SONG SUNG ON TOP OF ONE ANOTHER AT THE SAME TIME! AREN'T YOU HAPPY THAT YOUR HEAD IS NOW DYING?
10:01pm: God, this segment is taking ages (even though Jennifer Hudson was pretty damn magnificent). It'll be 11:34 in about five seconds. Anne Hathaway comes out looking a ten-year-old boy. Why are so many actresses cutting their hair short? Is this a CHUCKSTRONG thing?
9:58pm: Here we go. It's a full-on tribute to movie musicals, featuring EVERY MOVIE SONG EVER SUNG IN ITS ENTIRETY. Musicals get a disproportionate amount of attention from this ceremony strictly because you can't just have a bunch of guys standing up on stage re-encating scenes from Glengarry Glen Ross... OR COULD YOU?!
9:55pm: They're piping in the orchestra from another building? That's bullshit. Why have them at all? McFarlane introduces John Travolta WITHOUT making a single steam room joke, which is astonishing. Travolta chose the "half-Vega" from his wig room for the evening. It's a nice change from his usual choice of shoe polish.
9:53pm: Is Salma Hayek filming a telenovela AT the Oscars? Because she's dressed like it.
9:51pm: Jennifer Garner walks out onto the stage with a purple dementor lashed to her back. Jessica Chastain joins her. Her full takeover of Julianne Moore's career is nearly complete.
9:42pm: McFarlane just fucking HATES the audience. Tom Shales won't approve. By the way, if you add beard stubble and horrible teeth to Seth, he could easily pass for Ricky Gervais' cousin. Affleck comes out and offers McFarlane a snide "maybe you can turn the show around" comment. I'm telling you... these movie people treat TV people like they're fucking mutants.
9:40pm: I don't like it when they show chopped up clips from the Best Picture nominees. Just give me one money scene. "I never learned to READ!"
9:37pm: "And the 27th film nominated for Best Picture... THAT'S MY BOY... paints the story of a father... and his boy."
9:32pm: Jamie Foxx struts out onto the stage with Kerry Washington. IS SHE HIS DAUGHTER TOO? I rule out nothing.
9:26pm: Shirley Bassey comes out to rock the Goldfinger theme. Now there's a lady who has offered her pool boy a scotch. Awesome.
9:20pm: Halle Berry, dressed in wallpaper and shoulder pads, is here to introduce a Bond music genre. Man, I sure as shit hope they don't include that Madonna song.
9:19pm: They're flying through these awards, and I'm getting suckered once again into believing they'll be able to keep it up. Ah, but they never do. Every year, they start off blazing and then we get a four-hour stretch of montage tributes to Bing Crosby films. I don't know how they always manage to blow it.
As always, the people who win makeup and costume design awards look utterly in capable of dressing themselves or doing their own hair.
9:16pm: Jen Aniston comes out looking like the Autobot logo. McFarlane goofed on her before she came out, but I feel like everyone here is basically dismissing McFarlane's jokes with an implied "you're just a TV guy" sneer, even thought television, as a medium, ruins movies right now.
9:12pm: Oh wow, they played off a VFX guy using the Jaws theme. That was cruel. I'm liking this broadcast.
9:10pm: Life of Pi won the Best Effects award. Please note that those breathtaking effects don't take place until about 30 minutes into the flick. Those first thirty minutes consist of a guy reading "The Secret" to you out loud. It's brutal.
9:05pm: Sam Jackson rocking the red velvet smoking jacket this evening. He's missing Jay-Z's brandy snifter.
Your Cinematography winner is Edgar Winter. COME ON AND TAKE A FREE RIDE FREE RIDE...
No wait! He's Lucius Malfoy. FILTHY MUDBLOODS.
9:02pm: I haven't seen Beasts of the Southern Wild, but it looks a whole lot like those Levi's ads. GO FORTH.
9:00pm: Jesus Christ, that's some big hair on Melissa McCarthy. She looks like Meat Loaf.
8:51pm: Oh wow, we're starting right off with Best Supporting Actor. They're blowing one of six decent wads right away. I don't know if I'm happy or if I'll deeply regret it when they're slogging through the Short Film bullshit at 10:30.
And Waltz pulls off the upset. He thanks Tarantino, who is approaching Kennedy levels of drunken ruddiness. You could fry a pig in his skin oil.
8:50pm: Couldn't this whole thing be sock puppets?
8:47pm: McFarlane is now singing your sister's wedding song while Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum dance around him. That was pointless.
8:44pm: Here's McFarlane's boobs song, which is sadly devoid of actual boobs.
8:40pm: William Shatner arrives via satellite to tell Seth he sucks. As always, you cannot host this show without making it into an extended meta-commentary on what its like to host the Oscars, something roughly twelve living people have done. I CAN TOTALLY RELATE. I liked it better when McFarlane was openly insulting the audience to their faces.
8:37pm: McFarlane is plowing through these jokes as quickly as humanly possible. I wonder if they forced Vilanch on him. Like you agree to host and then Bruce storms in and is like "Amour! More like a-BORE! Let's put that on my t-shirt!"
8:35pm: Roman Coppola wearing some serious molester eyeglasses, with the maroon tinted lenses and everything. Do not let your son tour the family vineyard with him.
8:33pm: Seth McFarlane looks like that Book of Mormon guy.
8:26pm: Before the show starts, just take note: If you picture the Oscars taking place at an exurban Hilton Garden Inn and swap out the actors for insurance agents and swap out the Oscar statues for Orin Helggeson's Two-Diamond award plaque, this whole thing makes a ton more sense. Let us begin the show...
8:25pm: Braying donkey imp Chenowith asks Queen Latifah if she'd ever host the Oscars. Because... Christ, I don't know. We've already gone to plaid here.
8:23pm: Renee Zelwegger, constantly looking as if she's about to burst into tears as always, gets her turn in the Chenowith anal tongue bath. I'm not sure enough people are telling Kristen that she's doing a great job. Joe Flacco has gotten less compliments this month.
8:15pm: Jamie Foxx brings his shockingly old daughter to the ceremony and says he wants to show the world how beautiful she is. Jamie, as someone who also has a daughter, I cannot begin to tell you what a terrible idea that is. I thought that was his girlfriend and the co-host lady was flirting with him and then I was like GIRL, YOU BETTER STEP TO THAT BITCH. Then it turned out it was Jamie's kid! A shocking twist!
8:10pm Chenowith and Anne Hathaway, in between swallowing entire worlds with their huge freak mouths, take a moment to play a guessing game involving some kind of mystery box. I hope inside it says ZONK with three llamas chewing hay.
8:06pm: Chenowith is interviewing Adele and Adele looks like she could crush her like a bug. Why did they pick the smallest possible human being to interview everyone? That's not flattering. Get Geena Davis in there to help Adele out.
8:04pm: Halle Berry! This is what I love about the Oscars: It managed to finally bring the entire cast of Movie 43 together under one roof.
8:02pm: "Who are you most excited to see tonight?" seems to be Kristen's stock question of choice. I dunno, Kristen. Movie stars? My coke dealer, who sells Merck pharmaceutical coke at wholesale prices?
8:00pm: Kristen Chenowith is co-hosting the pregame show and she is just fucking terrifying to behold. She looks like something out of Brazil. Her neck muscles are permanently set to full contraction. I think she's eight inches tall.