Goddammit - I knew I was due to peak soon

So what's the word on the Cards and the U.S.S. Ponson.

• Barry Bonds.
• Tony Graffanino.
• Ryan Klesko.
• Mike Piazza.
• Kyle Lohse.
• Jeff Weaver.
• David Wells.
(+ three Dominican players of your choosing)
...Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2010 New York Mets!

At 23, I haven't even reached my prime yet! Now, can i renegotiate my $30,000 a year contract for something in the range of, oh, let's say, $7.5 mil? Call my agent. And by agent, I mean HR.

as a gambling junkie, I really hope that someone picks up Weaver...those OVER bets hit everytime.

Kiss of death agent quote:

"He still thinks he can contribute somewhere"

"We spent our vacation reading Baseball Prospectus 2008"

That might be the saddest sentence I ever read on Deadspin.

@ithacabaron: They'll probably field a better team than that to hoist the second of back-to-back world series banners.

Why would you read into anything Baseball Prospectus says. They just throw off the cuff opinions out there with no statistical backing or reasoning behind them.

@UkraineNotWeak: Yes. Being on a tropical island and all. Not good Will.

@ithacabaron: Unnecessary white space like whoa!

My apologies, folks.

I'm sure Mike Piazza will find employment soon. Who else could possibly fill Heath Ledger's shoes for Brokeback Mountain II: Rough Riders ?

If you're trying to reach David Wells, please direct all your calls to Mons Venus.

@muggsybogues: Riiiiight.

And yet Kip Wells has signed with someone. It's funny how the world works, sometimes.

I'm definetly in the wrong profession...I'm still under 28 and can throw left handed.*

*although according to a radar gun my fastball is in the 50s

@muggsybogues: Well, I'm 26 and at the same place (don't go into journalism). So maybe we can renegotiate together and pool our talent. I'll call your HR, you call mine.

Will, are you trying to tell me I should've thrown in the towel during Bush the Senior's Administration?

Jason Allison thinks these guys should just bide their time until the right offer comes along.

I have a good 6 years left. Anyone want to sign me?

Tony Graffanino is a big name?

@UkraineNotWeak: What, you want him to go out in the sun ? Or swim in the ocean ? What're you, insane?

probable felon
low end reserve
china doll
light in the loafers
overpaid spare
Frank Stallone of baseball
fatass

Yessir, it's a complete mystery...

Wells? Weaver? Bonds? Bwa-ha-ha! Hope the Mets sign the lot of 'em.

@tater: Yeah, but you're crafty.

@Matt_T: 14 letters is pretty long.

I always knew I was about to peak when the walls started breathing.

c'mon guys...Kyle Lohse needs to eat. I've heard he's lowered his salary demands to 1 year for the amount of "not the last player through the buffet line, pre- and post-game".

And yet, Corey Patterson has gainful employment.

Odds on Wells putting snot on the ball if he gets a shot somewhere? Anyone?

@Le Kangourou de Kataroo:

You might want to rephrase that using a different four letter word.

That lineup would look pretty good as a rotation on Baseball Tonight, actually.

@Weed Against Speed: For me, it was when the guitar riffs tasted like the color green.

It's okay, the Birds are saving Weaver for a stretch run. Or until after the last marijuana test of the season.

Fortunately for me, Lawyer Prospectus 2008 says I won't freaking peak for several more years. Thank god I chose the law over a career in professional sports.

@ArkansasFred: Jarrod Saltalamacchia isn't impressed.

Let me solve the "mystery" of Jeff Weaver not being signed: he's fucking terrible.

Seriously, take one glance at the list of remaining free agents and you would be silly not to think you could compete with all these players on one team.

LF: Barry Bonds CF: Kenny Lofton RF:Sammy Sosa 3B: Tony Graffanino* SS:Royce Clayton 2B: Jerry Hairston Jr. 1B:Ryan Klesko C: Mike Piazza

Bench: Corey Patterson, Neifi Perez, Julio Franco, Preston Wilson

Rotation: Roger Clemens, Kyle Lohse, Jeff Weaver, David Wells, Freddy Garcia*

Bullpen: Armando Benitez, Rodrigo Lopez*, Antonio Alfonseca, Jose Mesa, Bob Wickman, Eric Milton, Akinori Otsuka*

Good Christ, what would this team compete for?

@Sid_Luckman:

You would compete if you were playing Strat-O-Matic Baseball 2001.

@Sid_Luckman:

The Guinness record for fastest buffet spread eaten?

@Sid_Luckman: Most ex-Orioles? (I counted six)

according to Peyton Manning, everyone peaks at 23. After that you can't even wear suits to work, just baggy t-shirts.

Hmm...The year I turned 28, the Tigers went to the World Series. Oh great...just great. The prophecy is coming home to roost.

@Sid_Luckman: NL Central title?

@Sid_Luckman: My beer league softball title?

@Sid_Luckman: Slumpbusters.

@Yostal: this just means they'll return to the Series this year for me!

I'm six weeks from my 27th birthday. I have a shitty job, no money, no boyfriend, and I'm being thrown out of my house 'cause the owner is selling it.

If this is my peak, could somebody shoot me please?

@Kim_Jong_Illin: All these bloggers are going to the Caribbean, and I am broke. I should have gone into blogging, not law school.

Yes! Still have 8 years until I peak.
Satisfactory.

Today is my birthday (seriously) and I just turned 29. So reading Baseball Prospectus I can only assume now my life is over.

/loads shotgun

@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Happy Hurling Day.

/Dinosaurs junkie.

@Clare: Aw hell, you've got one more year.

I have three months.

(Fuck.)