Deadspin
For the third consecutive season, we are proud to introduce the Deadspin Baseball Season Previews. Yes, baseball is awfully close now; heck, they've even played real games in Japan.
Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.
Today: The San Francisco Giants. Your author is Rick Chandler.
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Sorry, Barry Bonds don't work here no more. Moose out front shoulda told ya.
Yeah, Barry is gone. And so Mom, suddenly single, has packed everyone into the old station wagon and headed toward a big new life. It's going to be scary at first, trying to raise a family on just her salary. But she had to break it off; Dad was always on the juice; he beat mother and ignored the kids. For his eighth birthday they took little Edwin to see him play, and Barry didn't even show up (15-day DL, shrunken testicles). So Mom decided that she had been enabling him long enough. What has become of Barry now? Sadly, he lives in a van, down by the river.
The good news is that the Giants have started dating again. The bad news is that they're mostly losers; not a potential husband in the bunch. When Will posted his NL West Preview on Thursday, he chose the Giants for last place, affectionately calling the pick "the easiest call in baseball." That's Will: Ever mindful of hurting my feelings. Here's a likely Opening Day starting lineup (provided all are healthy), and you decide for yourselves. (By the way, I have a baseball with all of their signatures; and to give you an idea of how star-studded this lineup is, four of the players paid me to sign it).
• Dave Roberts, LF. A solid outfielder, but also often injured; missed a month due to elbow surgery last season. Overview: By taking one step in any direction will automatically cover more ground that did Bonds. Not nearly as much fun to heckle, though.
• Ray Durham, 2B. Dedicated veteran has just returned from a hamstring injury, and says his age will not be a problem. Overview: Was once John McCain's babysitter.
• Randy Winn, RF. Is hitting .339 this spring, after a .300 season last year. Plus, he adds speed. Overview: He'll have to patrol the entire field like Benny The Jet Rodriguez to make a difference.
• Bengie Molina, C. Is hitting .452 this spring with five homers. Fantasy owners take notice! Overview: Can he throw out anyone at second? Magic Eight Ball says: Ask again.
• Aaron Rowand, CF. Comes over from the Phillies where he hit .307 with 27 homers last season. Is hitting .305 this spring. But can he stay healthy? Overview: Ow! My spine!
• Rich Aurillia, 3B. Played for the Giants for nine seasons before departing for three seasons with the Padres, Mariners and Reds, then rejoining the Giants last year, when he hit .252. Overview: I'd feel better about this if he weren't also second on the depth chart at every other position, including catcher.
• Brian Bocock, SS. Overview: ??? (hits own head with mallet) ...
• Dan Ortmeier, 1B. Muscled six homers last season in the traditional power slot. Overview: Lord help us.
• Barry Zito, P. May have gone 11-13 last season, but he can buy and sell you. Overview: Took the loss against the Fresno Giants in a spring training game.
To make an impact: Pitcher Matt Cain "Mutiny;" second basemen Kevin Frandsen (will undergo surgery on Saturday for ruptured Achilles tendon), Eugerio Velez (hitting .303 with 14 stolen bases); outfielder Fred Lewis (may bat leadoff); P.A. announcer Renel Brooks-Moon; infielder Jose Castillo (acquired on waivers from Marlins Saturday); a host of others. Manager Bruce Bochy used 124 different lineups in 2007, to list them all here would be pointless.
So yeah, everyone mock the Giants. But here's the thing: I didn't attend a single game over the past two seasons, disheartened as I was with that hollow, Faustian home run record chase, and the typical behavior of the hometown faithful who chose to watch the games with their heads stuck in the sand. And now here's this 2008 team, which the Chronicle is already calling The Bad News Giants; by all accounts perfectly awful in every respect. Their predicted last-place finish may indeed be the easiest call in baseball, other than the one I made to buy tickets for Opening Day.
Comments
I'd forgotten the Giants own one of the 14 Molinas.
Once, there was a boy who liked to throw things. He started out throwing eggs. Then, he threw the big game. Then, he threw back a shot of whiskey. Then he threw up. Then he got thrown out of the house, and then he moved INTO A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!!!!!!
You couldn't come up with anything for a man named Bocock?
The San Francisco Giants are so old that if they were a prostitute, she would be frequented by Wayne Rooney.
A whole Giants preview without mentioning Tim Lincecum?
FOR SHAME
Is "Bad News Giants" really the best San Fran could do? Isn't your city full of all those creative, artistic types?
Needs more Lincecum.
@MattinglysSideburns:
The San Francisco Giants are so old that if they were a prostitute, she would be frequented by Andy Rooney.
/eww
"We had to trade him to the Giants...but I got you an outfielder!"
You're killin' me Winn
@DennyCrane: Don't worry, Matt's got it under control. Looks like Fido had a little hand in this one.
Lou Seal is going to wind up playing second base before the season's over-- .235, 3 HR, 41 RBI. He'll do Clorox shots between innings.
hehehehehehe he said Bocock.
@DennyCrane: I'm having enough trouble imagining the Giants as a prostitute. Mostly because of the images of Barry dressed as Paula Abdul. MAKE IT STOP!
You sure that guy doesn't root for Tennessee?
/and I hate pumpkins
Whoa - you refused to financially support a distasteful enterprise instead of bitching about how unfair it is while shelling out the dough?
Crosspost to Consumerist ASAFP.
@BigRicks: Yes, but none of them give a crap about baseball. Too busy dressing up like police officers and cowboys, I guess.
It may just be me but every time I try to say Aaron Rowand it comes out of my mouth as "Aarond Rowand". Speech impediment?
@Jefferson Short Bus:
Is that the same loose seal that bit off Buster Bluth's hand?
Mangino is a Giants fan?
@DennyCrane: The San Francisco Giants are so old that if they were a prostitute, she would be frequented by Art Rooney's corpse.
/anymore Rooney's out there?
@Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies: Mickey Rooney?
@Christmas Ape:
they some snitches.
@Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies: Current U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican Francis Rooney?
Who is this Chandler guy?
Dad?
This is the perfect team for San Francisco, they are gonna be taking it in the ass all season.
Get set for the curse of Bonds. Fifteen years below .500 awaits.
By the looks of the squad, you're off to a rousing start.
If it wasn't for Cain and Lincecum, this team would be poised to be historically awful. Like 62 Mets or 03 Tigers awful.
It amuses me that SFG fans take it for granted that Lincecum is going to be a cy young finalist this season. Why exactly is that so automatic? He's still a kid--albeit a very cocky one--with a weird pitching motion and likely very little run support. Any number of things could go wrong.
/s/ R. Harden across the bay
p.s. at least everone seems to agree Zito is gonna be mediocre again for $20m+.
I heard that Bocock has a real smooth stroke
/puts on coat
And the climax of the season will be getting to watch Lincecum
/shows self out
So I've just moved back to the Bay Area this year after 20 years away from where I grew up. The Giants were bad then (until Will Clark came along) and they're going to be bad now. Did I miss anything while I was gone? Johnny LeMaster isn't still playing short, is he?
@GrinNBarrette: Funny, every time I say "Aaron Rowand" it comes out sounding more like "my future ex-husband Bacon Pants." Weird!
I thought Rerun was black and dead?
@Vizzini: Is William Van Launchingpad still serving them up, too?
@Vizzini: San Fransisky? Did you drove or did you flew?
@Christmas Ape: It's pumpkininny!!!
yeah, the Giants may (will) be awful this season, but at least we get to enjoy a cold beer on those warm summer nights at AT&T/SBC/PacBell
i miss candlestick.
So Matt Cain is the Susan Dey of the 2008 San Francisco Giants? Can I call Bruce Bochy "Reuben"?
/the 2008 san francisco giants: come on, get happy!
san francisco gay jokes < boston racism jokes < actually funny jokes
@iantenna: Ah, hypothermia and frostbite. And then there were the night games ...
@Vizzini: not to mention the lovely drive through hunter's point.
@GrinNBarrette: aawon wowan
/impressive clergymanized
Seriously.....not a single mention of Lincecum?
What in the fuck?
Let's not forget that Omar Visquel is still on that team. The SS/2nd baseman combo is so freaking old I don't think they could turn a double play with Molina running.
Well, at least they only have 27 years of Zito's great contract left.
If anyone knows bad news, it's the San Francisco Chronicle. But I think even the Chron knows that the AAA affiliate in Fresno is known as the Grizzlies. Honestly, Peter Magowan may have told you this after you got done licking his ass by towing the company line you put for in your preview here. I hear to marketing call cover-up with this "ALL OUT, ALL SEASON" nonsense, even if I still have sand in my ears.
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