So, several people have asked why I've been silent on Will's announced departure from Deadspin (if my mailman can be considered "several people"). Well, it's simple. I maintain that he's not leaving. You see, it's all an elaborate hoax, perpetrated by the same folks who faked the moon landing and built the animatronic Paris Hilton. Will's not going anywhere. Ask him yourself: He's tied up in my basement.
Sadly though, AOL Fanhouse has bought into the Will-is-departing hype. They've even compiled a list of possible replacements, and set odds. Right now I'm trying to figure a way to play the Daulerio-Hirshey-Shanoff trifecta. I'll be rich!
The Fanhouse list, however, is sadly incomplete. Following are some very strong candidates; if, that is, there were such an opening. Which there isn't.
• Rachael Ray. It's what I've said since the very early days of the site: Deadspin needs recipes. Will has considered me with a mixture of trepidation and pity ever since, but I stand by it. Just think of your typical Dennis Rodman post, only with instructions at the end for grilled beer chicken with potato slabs. Also yesterday I saw her using sliced tomatoes, which are currently known to be laden with salmonella. So she's not afraid to bend a few rules to get the job done.
• Bindi Irwin. Who wouldn't want to work for this energetic tyke? Although within the first month I feel sure that all the closers would be written by monkeys. On the plus side, her mom would be poking around constantly, just like it was when MJD was here. And I've always wanted to see a Goliath beetle up close; something I'm sure I'd never have the opportunity to do at Yahoo! Sports. The down side: All that's in the vending machines are Graham crackers, milk and Starburst.
• Bear Grylls. The new editor of this site will need to be resourceful, resistant to extreme temperatures and able to tell the edible plants from the deadly poisonous ones, which makes the guy from Man Vs. Wild an ideal candidate. In comparison, just try dropping Matt Ufford into the Everglades with nothing but a book of matches and a pen knife and see what you get. If you think I'm exaggerating, you've never experienced the Gawker interview process.
• Kige Ramsey. Would the no-nonsense Youtube correspondent be able to handle the nonstop influx of tips, rumors and information that would cross his desk daily, and are the beating heart of a nationally-renown sports site? Sadly, no. But he would be impeccably groomed at all times. Also I hear that he's wild in the sack.
Who's Next? Odds On Deadspin's New Editor [AOL Fanhouse]