Slapfight!

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Beanballs lead to blows in Beantown, as yet again a batter fails at tackling the pitcher. Tigers rookie Rick Porcello hasn't gotten many breaks yet, but he's shown he's got major league talent when it comes to bodyslamming irate men who look like the guy from Anthrax.

•Virginia Tech RB Darren Evans is done for the year after a torn ACL. And Bruce Feldman's pick of Florida Atlantic comes one step closer to reality.

• Muhammad Ali is going to visit his ancestral home of...County Clare in Ireland? Wonder if Cassius knows the Deadspin C'lays?

•The PGA Tour fined Tiger Woods for verbally attacking a rules official, until they realized that he's Tiger Woods. No fine.

•As if you missed it: here's Mike Tyson giving one of the Jonas Brothers a haircut at the Teen Choice Awards. Just pull yourself away from the Miley Cyrus pole dancing video for one minute.

•Jamie Moyer is a little cheesed at the Phils for demoting him to the bullpen to make room for Pedro. But, c'mon. When you can replace a washed up 46-year-old with a washed up 37-year-old, you have to make that move every time.

• It's the horse race that has everything: Bobby Flay calling the action, and a doomed seagull pinballing off of two jockeys' helmets. The only way it could be better is if it were the 1930s and horse racing mattered.