Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
You guys aren't the only one who can fuck up a sure hookup. That's right. We got a story from a GIRL this week.
I keep reading these stories, and I feel guilty, because back in my freshman year of college I totally was That Girl. You know what I mean. That Girl at the root of the Drunken Hookup Failure.
You have to understand that, when I went to college, I was incredibly sheltered. I wasn't just a virgin – I was a virgin who'd never even kissed a guy and who honestly believed that sex = instant STD and/or pregnancy. I was a virgin whose only social activities up to the college years involved church and my parents. I was in such bad shape that, on move-in day, my Dad told my roommate she needed to get me laid.
So, fast-forward to my first real party. Someone had introduced me to body shots, which I thought were just the best thing in the world, as they combined alcohol with passive-aggressive sexual activity, i.e., licking random hot guys. Flush with tequila courage, I asked this really cute guy I'd never met before (and, thankfully, would never see again) to let me take a shot off him.
Sometime later, I was out in the backyard playing on the trampoline (something, along with video games and "Dukes of Hazzard" re-runs, I'd never been allowed to have as a kid), when the guy came out. One minute we're jumping up and down on the trampoline, and the next we're stretched out, side by side, and he tells me he still has salt all over his stomach from my body shot. Being the considerate church girl I was, I offered to clean him off. So, there I am, kissing and licking his tummy, and… well, as you can imagine, something popped up.
It was the closest I had ever been to a real live penis in my life. Scratch that – it was the first time I'd even SEEN a dick in my life. And here's this poor guy begging me to keep going, and all I can think is, "You'll get AIDS! The sperm will swim through the lining of your stomach and get you pregnant!" So, I just crawled off the trampoline and went back inside. I saw the guy once more later that night, and I couldn't even look him in the eye.
I felt so bad, and I still do. My friends called me "blue balls" for the rest of the semester. And I didn't consummate anything with anyone else for another three count ‘em, three – years. Thanks, Jesus.
Her Dad said she needed to get laid? I don't know whether to be skeptical or terrified.
So, we're at my house, watching Scrubs, I got my arm around her, when one of the characters says, "I use sex as an icebreaker". The girl next to me proceeds to say, and I quote, "Hey, that's like me". I do nothing. NOTHING. The reality of what I have done doesn't hit me until later, and when I realize it, I let loose a string of obscenities that would make Gunnery Sgt. Hartman proud.
That's what you get for involving Zach Braff in your hookup plan.
So I'm visiting a friend and I take this girl back to his place, this girl I used to wanna bang in high school. She's totally feeling it so I'm pumped. We sort of drunkenly mess around and suddenly she gives me the signal so I go out to get a condom. I ask my friend if he has any. He says he has two left. One is some Skyns really thin one, and the other one is one of those Her Pleasure climax control ones. I'm sketched out by the Skyns because I'm always paranoid about tearing the condom, and to be honest, the Her Pleasure was sort of intriguing to me.
'Watch out,' says my friend. 'These Her Pleasure condoms can put an elephant to sleep. My best friend tried to lose his virginity to one of them, and his dick was so numb that he lost his boner. Ruined everything. I tried them once for shits and giggles. Killed my boner too. I'd take the Skyns if I were you.'
But obviously I couldn't be talked into reason. Certainly I could handle Her Pleasure, unlike these other pussies. Plus, I don't want to have a baby. My friend, because he's a good friend, just gives me both, because he knows I'll need them both.
Back in the room, I begin to go to work on this girl, but in the middle of my 'Ha! Full circle! The poetic perfection of finishing unfinished business from the 12th grade!' elation I realize I cannot feel my dick. It's like it feel asleep. Also, it's lifelessly limp. Girl asks what's the matter. I explain the situation. In a stroke of luck, this girl says `It's cool, sweetie, we'll just use the other one.' God bless this girl. God bless her.
So she takes the Her Pleasure off me, and then says 'let me bring you back up to speed.' and starts going down on me. Problem is, I still have some of the elephant killing numbing lubricant on my dick. After about ten seconds of going down, she literally LOSES ALL FEELING ON HER ENTIRE FACE.
She was telling me she couldn't feel her face, but her mouth muscles were all numb so she couldn't move them right. We didn't use the Skyns condom.
I drove her home this morning. Pretty silent drive.
Why does the lube have a numbing agent in it? Is it used from some sort of vaginal dentistry?
I'm a freshman in college and of course our weekends are full of heavy drinking. My friend's roommate has one too many, goes back to his room where he proceeds to lie down and then puke into his pillowcase (this becomes important later).
Meanwhile, my friend is macking this girl and after much effort, and alcohol, he finally convinces her to come back to his room. So, knowing that his roommate is back at his dorm, he shoots him a text telling him to get out so that he can hook up with this chick.
The roommate is woken up by this text and leaves the room to come sleep on the futon in my room. So my friend brings this girl back and they start hooking up. Clothes come off and things get a little frisky. My friend is on top and it is getting kind of ruff and the girl accidentally knocks my friend in the face.
He immediately starts bleeding profusely from his nose all over this girl's face. She then asks him what this warm liquid is all over her face (they are both very drunk) and assumes that he jizzed on her face. He says that he has been having sex with her the entire time and that he hasn't ejaculated in her face. With the blood continuing to pour onto her face, she freaks and gets up to turn on the light to see what this mysterious liquid is all over her face.
She turns on the light, looks into the mirror, and screams. She than grabs her pants, panties, and what she thinks is her shirt and bra, but what is actually just the pillowcase full of puke. She then proceeds to run out of the dorm. Not only did my friend get blueballed, but we have all been wondering how she got back to her dorm (which was at least a ten minute run away) without a shirt or a bra but instead a pillow case full of puke. College...
Puke in a pillowcase! I never thought of that. Like a straining cheesecloth.
I was a freshman in college and really liked this girl. I finally get her to go on a date and we do the usual: movie, then the local Dairy Queen, and after that we drive my truck out to a field to get busy on a blanket out in the grass.
Unfortunately, she would only dry hump the living daylights out of me and that's only comfortable for about 2 minutes. So I convince her to go back to my apartment and watch another movie and to have some drinks.
Now keep in mind that I'm a freshman in college, so the extent of my furniture was a reclining camping chair I got from Walgreen's on clearance for about $10. We start fooling around again and she tells me that she doesn't want to have sex, but I'm thinking, "GREAT!, these girls are freaks when you get the gates to finally open." One drink leads to 8 or 9 and we start fooling around again, but this time I'm rounding the bases like my ass is on fire.
We get to the point where I almost seal the deal, and she gets cold feet and just wants to cuddle...because she's not emotionally ready for sex yet. So while we were laying there in awkward silence, I heard an odd noise that sounded like something bending under stress. No sooner did I hear that than one of the support struts on the back of the chair broke and the whole damn thing collapsed. We both end up falling out of it backwards and I nail the side of a coffee table with my head and blackout. Not only did I get denied twice, but I ended up losing my only piece of furniture and getting a fucking concussion.
Oooh, Dairy Queen! Aren't we Mr. Fancy Schmancy?