What’s The Best Way To Avoid Being Raped In Prison?

Time for your Tuesday edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Today, we're covering abortion burgers, ATM receipts, amputation, Kobe, colanders, and more.

I was told by friend this weekend that it's a long-held bit of conventional wisdom that Asian women have, on average, warmer genitals than other women. I did not know this was a supposedly universal stereotype for dragon ladies, nor did anyone else in my company. We all knew the usual stereotypes about Asian women: They can't drive, they will sucky sucky for ten dollar, they use Pearl Cream, they are always secretly plotting to kill you and take your money, etc. But warm vaginas? Eh, I don't buy it.

Anyway, in response to my friend's outlandish statement, I have decreed that it should now be a commonly held stereotype that all Jewish men have cold penises. LOOK AT THIS JEW PENIS! IT'S AS FRIGID AS A STICK OF FLAVOR-ICE, DAMMIT! And all sexually aggressive quarterbacks have gray penises. That's a lock.

Now, your letters:

Andy:

A buddy of ours from college is heading off to max security prison as a result of being insanely stupid (not a violent crime).

Because all violent crimes are so rational and intelligent, you see. Anyway, go on…

We recently met up with his not-so-bright brother to commiserate and his brother informed us that in order to avoid prison rape the brother advised our buddy to let it be known to the inmates that he had AIDS.

This suggestion led to hours of debate and you can probably already discern the dilemma: While it is possible, if not likely, that the news that he has AIDS will deter most non-AIDS-infected rapists, the news will have the OPPOSITE effect on the AIDS-infected rapists. So while the universe of potential rapists is decreased, the remaining rapists may be emboldened and the long-term physical implications of the rape is much more severe.

Would you recommend the AIDS rape defense ruse?

First of all, let's get it out of the way right now. Your buddy is getting raped. It doesn't matter if he says he has AIDS and razorblades tucked inside his asshole. There will be a penis inside him before he leaves prison. The AIDS lie won't be a deterrent at all. You think Jaybo in Block C gives a shit if your boy has AIDS or not? Hell, AIDS is just a faster way out of Riker's for that guy. Furthermore, you think the AIDS lie hasn't already been deployed in prisons? They KNOW you're gonna say you have AIDS. It's not a new strategy to them. Scream all you like. They've heard it all before. It's the RapeTown Express for your fella.

I think your odds of getting AIDS skyrocket if you're A) White and B) Not a 24th level black belt. I assume any fresh white boy walking into prison has an immediate target on his asshole. You're the next best thing to Megan Fox for many of those folks. They probably have bets on that shit.

Being a dipshit white boy, I really have no solid advice on how to avoid getting raped. But a simple Google search led me to the Prison Talk message board, and the folks there have some pretty solid ideas about making sure you don't become pussy on the hoof.

Tell him just not to piss anyone off and to make some friends fast. As long as he isn't going in for anything sick, like child molestation or something like rape he should be ok. My guy told me the people they rape in their are mostly child molestors and rapists.

My best advice is to tell your loved one to stay low, watch his back and keep his business to himself. He shouldn't come off macho....but he should never show weakness either.

he needs to fight back with everything he's got. If that means he has to go to the "hole/box" for fighting back then so be it.

The best way to avoid prison rape is not to go to jail. The second best way to avoid prison rape is to go to jail in CT.

And of course, the reason you won't get raped in a Connecticut prison is because your rapist doesn't want Jim Calhoun pulling his scholarship. ZING!!!!

Comedian Ted Alexandro also once recommended raping the guy back. Or pre-raping your rapist. Always better to be the raper than the rapee.

Joe:

If you had a 5-man team of one superstar, could any team beat 5 LeBrons? We decided that 5 Kobes would be crushed and 5 DWades wouldn't stand a chance, but maybe 5 Dwight Howards could put up a fight if they all didn't foul out. Think anyone would stand a chance?

Wouldn't five Kobes kick the shit out of five LeBrons? That's five times the deranged competitive ambition going up against five times the more-interested-in-marketing mentality. Then you could have five Vanessa Bryants bizarrely hogging the championship podium and getting to hold the trophy. I fully expect LeBron to announce July 1st that he's made the final decision to sign with Frito Lay to become VP of Product Development.

I thought it was fucked up that, right after LeBron got bounced from the playoffs, he said he would sit down with his "team" to decide what to do about free agency, and that he wasn't referring to, like, his basketball team when he said, "team." He was talking about sitting down with, like, his chauffeur and his mom and his bodyguard and his pussy wingman to make the choice. Just fucking odd.

Mike:

Would you rather be blind with no legs OR deaf with no arms?

People are more inclined to say deaf/no arms, I assume because of people's huge fear of being blind, but I think I would go with the blind/no legs. It seems like the endless list of things that you wouldn't be able to do without any arms is just way too much. Your thought?

Oh, and legs aren't important? Think about life with no legs. You can't walk, which means you can't move anywhere without help. You can't climb stairs. Shitting would be AGONY. How do you balance yourself on a toilet with no legs? You could easily fall forward and go tumbling to the ground mid-poop with no legs. Especially if you're blind and dunno what to hold onto. TERRIFYING.

That doesn't even include the horror of being blind. I'll take deaf over blind any day. I'm at the age now where I don't really enjoy hearing other people speak. Being deaf would be a fabulous chance to tune them out. I'd miss music, but I could easily fire up the iPod IN MY MIND. I can replay guitar solos pretty well in my head. Bew doo doo BEWWW! It would suck to not have arms, but at least I wouldn't have to lift anything. I dislike lifting things. Also, being deaf means I could ignore other people's honks in traffic. Oh, did I just cut you off? Sorry about that. I'm deaf, so I didn't mean it. BUT I TOTALLY DID.

Steve:

Imagine what it was like sitting behind this guy for 10 minutes today. The saddest part was that I refused to back up and park. There was a higher likelihood that I would run him over than step foot inside a bank. Also, note the vanity: RDNBLUE. You're about to be BLKNBLUE, old man!

What’s The Best Way To Avoid Being Raped In Prison?

I would have bet strong odds that someone with a RDNBLUE vanity plate would be a poor judge of drive thru proximity. I mean, look at how far away he is. He must have to repark 75 times every time he goes to the Exxon station. Steve adds this:

When you're waiting for your $40 to dispense from the ATM machine, do you ever look at the receipts other people have left behind? I always pick them up to see who has more money than I do. If they have $20 in there, I feel like a king. But then I spot one with a $20,000 balance and I feel worthless because it's 2am and I'm buying a meatball sub in a Wawa. But then my sub comes and I feel like a king again. Winner!

I always check out the receipts people leave behind at the ATM. Like Steve, I of course want to know how much liquid capital they have in comparison to me. But I also want to see if, just one time, the bank decided to NOT X out the routing number. Because once you have the account number, YOU ARE IN. You can go in and steal all their shit and they'll be none the wiser! Tee hee hee!

/would never actually do such a thing

I'm shocked people just leave whole receipts hanging around the ATM. Some people will just leave it dangling from the output. You people are crazy! There are Norwegian motherfuckers out there with computers who will steal your name and ruin your life! Didn't any of you watch THE NET?!!

I'm always paranoid that I've left the ATM before my transaction is completely closed. Like, when you go to get money, the ATM will ask you IS THAT ALL? Or it'll ask you if you want a receipt. And I'm always worried I left it on one of those menus. Because sometimes, an ad will pop up on the screen that you have to skip before then telling the ATM that you're done and you don't want to do any more shit. And even then, some ATMs will be like ARE YOU DOUBLE SURE? And if I've left by then, some fucker could waltz up, guess my pin, and have at my fortune!

I've come up to ATMs sometimes where the person using it before me didn't close out all the way, and I'll ALWAYS push withdrawal, just for shits and giggles. It'll ask me for my PIN, and I won't have it. But still, I was THIS close to cleaning out some fucker's account. What a thrill.

I also like making a deposit at the ATM right before I'm supposed to pay my quarterly taxes or my credit card bill. The number looks so nice and big. I know it won't last more than a day before reducing by roughly 80%. But still, nice to post a big number at the ATM on occasion.

Rick:

Have you ever been walking and sneezed mid-stride? It's like taking a round from a sniper rifle. This has happened to me a few times lately with allergy season upon us, and I'm pretty sure I dislodged a rib or two (not to mention looking like a fool). My thought is that you are at a very loose and vulnerable point mid-stride, but perhaps I'm just weak.

When my back was super fucked up, sneezing would prove incredibly painful if I wasn't lying down with my knees up. So any time I felt a sneeze coming on, I'd drop to the ground like the Japanese were about to carpet bomb the city. It alarmed everyone, especially people at work. Kinda fun, actually.

Have you ever been around someone who sneezed extremely loudly, which then immediately made you want to murder them? If you know you're a loud sneezer, you really need to warn people. I was caught off guard by a woman once who sneezed this terrible, really shrill sneeze. Like a tennis grunt right in your fucking ear. I wanted to club her to death after that. It's not a rational response to someone sneezing, but I can't help it.

Molly:

My shit circled the bowl this morning. A perfect unbroken circle. A feat I have not accomplished since I was 14 and didn't poop for 10 days straight. I feel so accomplished today and thought you'd like to know. I wanted to include a picture but I know how you feel about girls pooping.

Well, wait though. It couldn't have been unbroken, because that would mean the ring was formed inside your rectum and then pooped out that way. NOT POSSIBLE. However, Molly obviously means the poop made a perfect ring from end to end, which is a fine accomplishment. Probably looked like a chocolate sour cream donut. Mmmm… chocolate sour cream donut. Those things are so good, I'd eat the human waste they produced.

Contrary to what Molly says, I'm not skittish about you ladies turning in the poop stories. Bring em on, gals. You have the right to share your poop with the world.

HALFTIME!

DanC:

Am I the only one that refuses to use a strainer/colander to drain pasta after boiling it? I will go the ends of the earth to not have to break out the colander, pour the pasta in, only to transfer it BACK to the original pan! Plus then you have to wash the colander, lest it become covered in that glue substance.

My wife uses the colander every time and I'm left to wash it later. NO COLANDER FOR ME! I take that pot of pasta, tilt it over the sink and try to find the magical equilibrium where the most water flows out and the pasta is like a fucking Leaning Tower of Pisa. Occasionally I lose a few pieces of pasta, but I still haven't had any catastrophic events where I lose the whole lot. It makes me feel better about myself when I successfully drain the pot. TAKE THAT COLANDER, YOU'RE USELESS TO ME!

You should hate colanders, and here's why. If you've read Bill Buford's book "Heat" (it's really fucking good), you know there's no need to strain pasta. That horrible gluey shit that sticks to the strainer that never comes off? That stuff is crucial to making a flawless pasta dish. Like I said here, NEVER put sauce on top of pasta. Heat the sauce in a pan, add a little bit of the pasta water to the sauce, then use a pair of tongs to put the pasta in the saucepan, then heat it all together. That makes for fucking GOLD. So tell your wife that using a colander means you are cooking pasta fucking WRONG. And if she rinses the pasta before serving it, you're legally allowed to smack her in the boobs.

Also, for other straining needs, get a miniature strainer that can go in the dishwasher. No more hand washing that shit for you! And thank god, because the soap stays in those little strainer holes for ages. Awful.

Like Dan here, I also will drain pasta by holding the lid to the top of the pot, creating a little slit opening with the top, and then pouring out the water into the sink. It's a dangerous gambit, but that's why I enjoy it. I LIVE ON THE FUCKING EDGE, GANG.

Jonathan:

What do you do with your bars of soap as they become too small to grip and bathe with? I generally set them aside until I have enough to squish together into one medium-sized soap. I'm wondering if there are any alternatives.

Body wash. Just use body wash. I've gotten plenty of people emailing in and being like U USE BODY WASH??? UR A FAG BRAH! I don't care. Body wash is easy, and it never slips out of my hand. When I used bar soap, it slipped out of my hand every other day, and grew more slippery as the bar got smaller. Then I'd have to bend down and pick it up, only to worry that someone would come and rape me and I'd have to lie and say I have AIDS to keep them from raping me only he KNOWS that's a lie and rapes me anyway. And that's not worth being supposedly gay for using body wash and a shower poof. If that shit is gay, call me Liberace.

Ryan:

As I was just leaving the break room at work, I turned the corner and almost bumped into someone. By the time my peanut sized brain processed that I should say "Excuse Me", the person I almost ran into is already 15 feet in my rearview. Are you similarly awkward in these types of encounters?

Oh, yes. Even more so. The worst encounter I have, one that happens to me at least once a week, is when I go to pull open a door at the exact same moment there is a person on the other side pushing the door open. That will never cease to scare the living shit out of me. I always say, "Sorry," but it's clear to the person on the other side of the door that I was shaken by the encounter and am a complete pussy. Sometimes, I'll encounter someone who is not only pushing the door open, but doing so with great force. Like they're trying to knock the fucking door off its hinges. You're not impressing anyone with your door pushing prowess there, buddy. Just calm the fuck down.

Also, there are times when I get up to go piss at 2AM or something. And when that happens, sometimes my wife will also get up and wait by the bathroom door for me to finish. Only she won't tell me this, so I finish peeing and then walk back to bed and there's a person there and HOLY SHIT!!!! KILLER! BURGLAR! SCARY PERSON HAS VIOLATED OUR HOME AND IS WATCHING ME PEE! And then my wife will identify herself, call me a pussy, and then send me back to bed with my tail between my legs.

Ryan:

The other day I found myself making my hand into a gun shape as I entered the bathroom for protection from any attacker that might be lurking inside. As a man prone to daydreaming, have you ever employed the "handgun" in your adventures? If so, do you go with just the index finger or the higher caliber index & middle finger combo?

I do deploy the handgun, but I pantomime it like the gun is actually in my hand. So I make a fist with my finger curled around the imaginary finger. That way, I'm ready to fire my invisible Desert Eagle at anyone who's trying to rape me and give me AIDS.

Rob:

Is there a worse gym situation than an asshole that coughs while he runs picking the treadmill right fucking next to you? I've been trying to remedy the situation by coughing back or hacking every time the cougher does, but I can hardly keep up.

Then just switch equipment. Take it from someone who sweats and farts and wears a stinky iPod armband while he works out that hasn't been washed in AGES. I've had people switch on me. And I know damn well that they switched because they were stuck next to a repulsive human being. I understand it completely and do not blame them.

There may be times where the gym is full and you can't switch, and that is indeed terrible. I've switched when next to talkers and BO dudes. But sometimes all the machines are taken and I'm just stuck in hell, waiting for the BO guy to get the fuck off. I'm sure he's thinking the same exact thing about me.

You become very racist when classifying gym body odor instigators. Lots of white guys are bad about BO. And ALL old Indian dudes have it. You get parked next to an old Indian dude on an exercise bike, you are in for a BO party, gang.

Chris:

Random person comes up on the street and says they will give you $1000 cash money on the spot to let them drop a duece on your stomach. Nobody else will see the event occur. 5 min max, so we aren't talking about a 12-pack and taco bell night getting blown out while you lay there. I say that's easy money and you can't pass it up no matter how disgusting. My wife says no way in hell. I say she is being a snob.

Can you close your eyes while they do it? I'd almost certainly say yes. I'd get $1,000 AND a post idea out of it. Not a bad trade for having someone drop a steamer on you. My wife would never agree to this, since she has "dignity." Whatever, lady. The kids gotta eat.

Mark:

Whose internal organs are better protected in a punch to the stomach? A man who goes to the gym everyday and has a six-pack, or a man with a moderate sized beer belly? The six-pack guy can flex and I imagine flexing would protect the organs. But the beer belly man has roll after roll of sweaty, useless disgusting flab to put distance between impact and the organs. I'm not sure if the fat man flexing helps. I would think not, since there would be so much fat over the muscles he has.

I think six-pack guy would be better protected, because the fat dude would be having his fat mashed back into his organs, and that probably would end up causing some internal damage anyway. Those core exercises really do help when it comes to matters such as that.

The question is, what about a dude who's 800 pounds? Would an extremely obese person be best protected against a gut punch? Would they even feel it? Would the attacker's hand get stuck in a fold and then consumed? So many questions.

Jason:

This may be a bit late, but this is a must see.

What’s The Best Way To Avoid Being Raped In Prison?

Well, that begs the question. Just how Puerto Rican is too much Puerto Rican for you? I'd say most people can only tolerate about 60% Puerto Ricanism in another person. After that, the flag waving and random yelling would prove too overpowering. Knock it down to 45% if that person is using the treadmill next to you.

Don:

I never understood the idea of having pulp in orange juice. I don't think I've ever walked into a Starbucks and said "You know what, can you throw some of the old grinds in? Great, thanks."

I disagree. If you buy fresh squeezed or make it yourself, it has pulp in it. That lets you know it has lots of orangey goodness. I like-a the pulp.

Matt:

I want to introduce the world to a game my friends and I have been playing since high school (we're 26 now and we haven't grown up). Rules: You must come up with two of the most random words together and whichever word combination brings out the most laughs or "fucking gross's" wins. The one that holds the trophy currently is, "Abortion burger." Are we retarded or is this really a game that can catch on and change the world as we know it? I challenge you to beat "Abortion burger!" I don't think it can be done.

Will your game catch on? No. But I'll do my best to top Abortion Burger, and I challenge commenters to try and do likewise.

Pussy Wart
Pussy Tooth
Muppet Afterbirth
Cock Shredder
Pus Milkshake
Menstruation Milk
Carrot Swastika
Tongue Butter
Anal Podiatrist
Anal Chewing
Jewish Linebacker

And so on and so forth. Finally today, a GREAT MOMENT IN ILLEGAL DUMPING REVENGE.

Jim:

So I was the recipient of an illegal car dump once. I was living in Chicago in a brownstone apartment with a couple of rear parking spots. There were fewer spots in the back than there were folks with cars and our landlord just started charging us $100/mo for parking. Lo and behold one day some asshole is parked in my spot.

After two days, we realize the car is still there, it has a flat tire and it becomes obvious that it has been left for dead. We try to get our landlord to tow it, but they don't have their shit together and can't. We try to get the city to tow it, but it has to be there for two weeks before they can legally claim it is abandoned. So the car became our punching bag for the next two weeks. We would throw shit at it, jump on it from the second floor balcony, even went after it with a baseball bat at one point. I figure this is a once in a lifetime experience, to be able to beat the shit out of someone else's car without fear of reprisal from the owner or the authorities. Totally worth parking on the street for close to a month.

I concur.