Last Night's Winner: Bryce Harper's Accelerated Destiny

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like those poor bastards in Washington. Sure their franchise savior might need Tommy John surgery, but they've got another one stashed away.



Harper was officially introduced as a member of the Nationals organization last night. He wore a "jet-black suit with a hot-pink tie" and "spiky faux-hawk"—done up by his beautician sister—since "the ladies like it." He is 17 years old.

He had a press conference. Reporters asked him questions about his first batting practice at the stadium. The batting practice where he put moonshots in the seats—including one to the top deck, previously the sole domain of Adam Dunn. His batting coach gushed: "Some of the things he was talking about hitting-wise, his feel for what he was trying to do, he was really advanced for his age."

He said some things that were either arrogant or optimistic like, "I think I should be perfect in every aspect of the game." He referred to the opposite-field lasers he hit into the stand as "oppo boppos." He reminded everyone that he should be getting ready for whatever it is a high school senior has to get ready for.

The president of the team compared him to Chipper Jones referring not only to his hitting but more to his ability to handle the media.

Harper played at being an old soul, and commented on how his "war paint" eye-black—which the Nats are putting a stop to—is very popular at the Little League World Series. He said it was great that "the little guys" looked up to him, that it was great they still had fun playing the game because "you've got to have fun or you're not going to play well." He says this about people that are five or six years his junior. They are all born in the '90s.

So rejoice Nationals fans. Your pitcher of the future may be headed off to see someone about his arm pain for a while, but you've got a bonafide robo-star waiting in your farm system. A Todd Marinovich of the diamond, waiting to be activated. Just make sure someone keeps on him about keeping his face clean.

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Held under Harper's spell [Washington Post]
Harper takes his hacks in D.C. [Washington Post]
Bryce Harper's war paint invades the LLWS [The Nationals Enquirer]