How Not To Get Caught Cheating

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

TCon:

I met my first serious girlfriend, we'll call her Katie, at the end of my freshman year of college. By October of my junior year the relationship started to get more intense and Katie was starting to expect things from me, more dates, goodnight phone calls, monogamy — shit I just wasn't comfortable with as a 20 year old. One night my buddies and I are really drunk and I decide in that enough is enough and I'm going to break up with her. I decide to make the move the next day though, so I can enjoy my night out. After taking a few too many shots, my roommate and I head out to a party with his girl and her friend Sarah. I managed to get near blackout (we'll call it a brown out) at the party because the next thing I know the four of us are stumbling back to my place to make some food. We have a few more drinks and hang out in the living room but after a while my roommate and his girl slip upstairs to "go to sleep" and leave me and Sarah hanging out in the living room by ourselves. I knew I was going to break up with my Katie soon, but I tried to do the right thing so I told Sarah I was going to bed and offered to walk her home. She said that she preferred to stay at my place because it was late and she didn't feel like walking all the way to her apartment (it wasn't that far at all). I tried again by offering her one of the couches in the living room to which she replied "Why don't I just go upstairs with you?" At this point I figured I would be stupid not to hook up with Sarah since I was going to break up with Katie soon anyway and we head upstairs where we quickly make our way to my bed and start making out. Before I could even start to take her clothes off I hear someone walking up the stairs.

I immediately realize that something is wrong because all of my roommates are already home. Suddenly the door to my room starts to open and I bolt out of my bed like its on fire to thwart the intruder. To my horror Katie had drunkenly wandered away from whatever party or bar she was at, into my house, up my stairs and right to my bedroom door. I mumbled some bullshit about why she shouldn't come in but she opened the door anyway, walked in, and saw Sarah laying in my bed. Next thing I know she Katie screams "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BOYFRIEND'S BED YOU WHORE!!!!!!!!" and starts charging towards my bed like a pissed off rhino. Now I had a situation on my hands because Sarah is about 5'3 and Katie is about 5'10 and out for blood. I grabbed Kaite to restrain her before any violence could take place (looking back this was really stupid, I should have just enjoyed the girl on girl action that was about to ensue). When Katie was charging Sarah was cowering in some sort of mixture of confusion and fear so she took this opportunity to bolt out of my room. The next hour or so involved a lot of crying, yelling, biting and slapping. It wasn't pretty. I finally walked Katie home around 5am and when I got back to my house I made sure to lock the door. Needless to say that incident killed my chances with Sarah, and I found out the next morning that after she left my room she ended up sleeping on the extra futon in my roommates room. Somehow I ruined my own chances and ended up interrupting my roommate's good time in one fell swoop.

Oof. Don't be messin' with our girl Bakes!

Anonymous:

It was the summer after I graduated college and I (a white kid) was visiting a childhood friend (a black kid) who had just gotten his 1st apartment in the all black town of Plainfield, NJ. We go to a local bar, and we're having a few drinks, catching up on old times. Being that I'm the only white person in there, I figure it's probably not a good idea to possibly draw unwanted attention to myself by trying my luck with the ladies. After a couple hours of beers and shots, all of the sudden, a cute, blond, white girl (we'll call her snowflake) walks into the bar, we instantly lock eyes and give each other a look that says, "what are you possibly doing in this place".

We start chatting, and it turns out she's also from a nearby suburb, visiting an old friend who currently lives in the neighborhood, and she seems pretty cool. We go outside to have a cigarette and soon after we're making out in the parking lot. We go back in the bar for last call, and my friend is completely shit faced at this point. Her friend is nowhere to be found. We go back outside and exchange numbers, I wait with her for her friend to come out, figuring after that we're gonna part ways and go home. All of the sudden, her friend comes out with this guy who looked like he could be 50 cent's stunt double if 50 beefed up to play the title role in The Ray Lewis Story. Without hesitating, 50 cent guy says "y'all wanna come back to my spot for some drinks". Snowflake's friend says she wants to go, so snowflake says she's gonna go with her.

I had some reservations, but being drunk and horny I probably would've followed this girl to Baghdad for a chance to fuck her. So we all go over there, and 50 lives in a pretty nice condo, my friend is completely passed out in my car and unresponsive, so it's just me, snowflake, her friend, and 50 having drinks, and listening to some music at this condo. Me and snowflake start making out hard core on the couch, 50 taps me on the shoulder and says, "y'all aint gotta do that out here, bedroom's down the hall to the left". So we go in the bedroom, and immediately we're making out and undressing (in my haste I must have forgotten to lock the door, a fatal mistake).

We're both naked and I can sense that I'm about to get it in, when all of the sudden, snowflake's friend barges in and yells "we have to get out of here NOW", followed by 50 coming in the room, taking one look at us, and saying "SEE! your friend get down, what the fuck is your problem!". These two are now screaming at each other loudly back and forth when all of the sudden 50 loses it and shoves snowflake's friend against the wall hard. Being the chivalrous guy that I am, I toss on my pants and shoes, grab my shirt, sprint the fuck out of that place like it's on fire, peel out, and go pass out at my friend's place. I did briefly talk to snowflake the next day and found out that they made it out of there ok, but I never did get with her.

"Mind if we dance with yo dates?"

Anonymous:

I worked with a gorgeous girl several years ago, but there were two items about her that didn't work in my favor: 1) she had a boyfriend and 2) she lived in a suburb that was a half hour away from the city I lived in. Basically, I was resigned to the fact that I was forever cemented in the friend zone, and my chances for anything else were nonexistent.

However, the day came when she finally broke up with her boyfriend. It was a bad breakup that unraveled for about a month, so I couldn't even find an opportunity to cash in on her hiatus from monogamy. I was presented with an excellent chance, though, when a few of my friends and I were invited to attend a private party at a bar in the city complete with an open bar for a few hours. The day of the party, I sent her a text to see if she'd want to come to the city and go. Surprisingly, she said she'd love to and would be at my house that evening.

Everyone met at my place later on and we all hopped in a cab. We partook quite heavily in the available open bar, and all of us ended up back at my place after the party was over. I was sitting on the couch with her in the living room and she was very hands-on at this point. I figured the outlook would be good for us once the rest of the group took off. Unfortunately, the night took a sour turn when one of my friends started to ask her about her taste in music. A loud, drunken argument ensued between them about who is a better live band (I can't even remember the two bands in question.) This outburst escalated with them screaming at each other, my friend got the urge to kick a coffee table over, and my best friend finally realized that the night was over and got him out of there.

Based on the heated (and pointless) argument, I figured my window of opportunity had slammed shut. However, she came back to the couch and we were making out within a couple of minutes. Right when I was about to suggest we move to my bedroom, my other friend (who had been gone during the earlier fiasco because he was calling his girlfriend) walked in with a pillow and blanket and plopped down on the couch across from us. My two roommates were away that weekend; he easily could've seen what was going on and gone to sleep in one of their rooms. As soon as he sat down, my would-be hookup announced, "Good night, guys. I'm going to bed," walked to the guest room with the twin bed and shut the door. No invitation for me to join her. And no subsequent opportunities ever came up again.

Joey:

It was my senior year of college and I had just broken up with my girlfriend of 4 years so naturally I was looking to find a girl to bang so that I could shove that in my ex's face. Luckily for me I had been kind of working on a new chick for a couple months and it just so happened that we were paired together by a professor for a group project. It seemed like the stars were aligning for me. The new girl and I didn't sit by each other in this particular class but we often sent flirty texts and glances at one another and then after class I would walk her to her next class. After a couple weeks she started giving me hugs after these walks so naturally I thought I was making some good strides in getting into her pants. We met for the group project one night at the Union and she told me that she would rather work on it somewhere without so many people around. So, of course, I suggest my place. I lived with 3 other guys at this time and they were always out in the living room doing something so we would have to work in my bedroom. Jackpot.

She fell for it and followed me home. We get into my room and immediately started making out. She was all over me and I was feeling anything on her that I could get my hands on. I start with just her boob on top of her shirt and carefully work my way to under the shirt but above the bra and then finally make the move to hand-on-boob. I start to think that all my hard work and stupid walks after class are paying off! Her jacket comes off and she is just in her bra! I start to want more and move my hand down to her lady parts. Its obvious I was going there but as soon as the tip of my finger touches her vag, on top of her pants, she yells 'NOOOOO!!!!' and runs out of my room, grabs her stuff and takes off out the front door. She was out the door before I even got out of my bed. I didn't pursue and just let her go because I wasn't going to chase her around while I'm sporting wood. So after the next class we make eye contact but she doesn't smile at me like she usually does and she rushes out of the room so that I wouldn't be able to walk her to her next class. That's when I decided that it wasn't worth trying anymore. But to this day I am still unsure about what exactly I did for her to run out of my room like that after some light petting on TOP OF HER PANTS.

That's her special purpose!

Mike:

It was my last semester at school and I was living in a very shitty apartment by most people's standards. I wake up one morning and have a little bruise on my arm. I've woken up with worse marks on my body so I think nothing of it. After 3 days this bruise has grown to 3 inches in diameter and multiple shades of purple and yellow. I decide a visit to the hospital is probably in my best interest, so I have one of my buddies drop me off on his way to class.

I get to the hospital and after about an hour, the doctor finally sees me. She asks me some questions about my living conditions, looks at my arm and says that it could be some sort of spider bite, then leaves. She comes back and says "Well, we searched 'spider bites' on Google and couldn't find one that matches the bruise on your arm. We think you got bit by a bat and I'm going to recommend you get vaccinated for rabies (5 shots over 2 weeks - fuck that) ASAP. Here's the information for the CDC".

If I had been hooked up to any sort of tubes or IVs, I totally would have done the whole "rip them all out at once and storm out of the place" and told the doctor that her diagnosing me from a Google Image search was fucking Amateur Hour, but I am a pussy and said "Ok, Doc" and left.

I called another friend to have her come pick me up, but she wouldn't until I told her what I was doing at the hospital in the first place, so I told her that I could potentially have rabies. She thinks this is the funniest thing of all time and comes and picks me up. Do yourself a favor and NEVER google "humans rabies". I was scared shitless for 2 weeks because they said by the time the symptoms show up, it's too late for treatment and you're totally fucked. There was no way I was going to go through those shots though.

So we're all out later that night because I'm still trying to get in as much loose vagina as possible while I'm still in college and I'm wearing long sleeves because my arm still looks fucking disgusting, and I'm chatting up this little blonde at the bar and things are going really well. My "friend" from earlier came up to us, pulled down my sleeve and says "I wouldn't talk to him - he's got rabies", to which I had no response because she very well could have been right. Blondie quickly realized that we weren't joking once she saw the bruise and bolted and I went home with the realization that one of my friends would probably have to Old Yeller me in the next couple weeks.

As shocking as it was, I had been misdiagnosed and remain rabies free for over 2 years now.

Good for you, jack!