Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I'm with this girl in my apartment and we start making out. Everything is going very well, and she kinda takes control - tongue kissing my neck and whatnot. Then she starts licking my neck. I mean she is really going to town. I get her to resume the normal makeout session, and then we go through the standard slowly-undressing-whilst-making-out routine. While this is all going on, she continues to lick the side of my face and neck sporadically. The closer we get to what is supposed to be the good part, the more licking. I specifically recall that I had not shaved in a couple days, but she kept on licking as if my neck, which I'm sure felt like sandpaper, was made of laffy taffy. Not a single part of my neck went unlicked. I interrupted her at least once and legitimately asked her to stop, but to no avail. Eventually my confusion/discomfort overpowered my libido and I retired to my bedroom. Am I a dumbass for not just continuing on the road to happytown? I mean, it's not like she had a poo fetish or anything.
Hey, no one likes getting the Sarah Connor mental ward treatment.
So one night my sophomore year of college, my buddies and I went to one of the same bars we always frequent since they accepted our piece of shit fake ID's. We had been drinking before we headed out, so I was already in the mood where I will talk to any girl that is breathing.
We parked at a table near the pool table so we could get the next game. I noticed some blond girl playing. She had no idea what she was doing, so I teasingly told her how much she sucked. We were sucking face within 15 minutes and were convinced we were soul mates. Her name was Sarah.
After a lot more drinking and openly making out, we decided to go to some bar where she was friends with the owner. I was very intoxicated at this point, but somehow got into a shot for shot contest with the bar owner. I did not want to look like a pussy in front of Sarah, so I did everything I could to keep up. I'm not a big guy by any means, so I blacked out pretty quickly.
I brown-in a while later with my arm slung around Sarah in some hallway. We were both hammered, and on our way to her room. SCORE! We get on her bed and start making out heavily, getting handsy, basically, on my way to poundtown.
She gets on top of me with her shirt off and I start to get that watery saliva in my mouth. My stomach starts to rumble and I'm going to vomit. Just as I get this feeling, Sarah put both her hands on my stomach and CPR style thrusts down. I don't know if she was trying to readjust or something, but this literally caused me sit up, and projectile vomit. My vomit barely passes by her face (I'm sure some got on her), and I run to the bathroom to puke my brains out.
I woke up the next morning laying on the bathroom floor fetal style. I quietly snuck into her room, grabbed my shirt, and bolted for the front door.
I saw Sarah again a couple months later at a bar. She gave me a look like she wanted to kill me with her mind.
Summer after my sophomore year of college, I meet a girl (we'll call her Emily) at a local club. We make out for a while, dry hump on the dance floor, and do all those other stupid things that 20 year old kids regret doing in public a few years later. I get her number, and we agree to meet up again soon.
A few weeks later, I'm heading to the beach with my friend Brandon. Emily and one of her friends are conveniently there as well. They're staying with some guys she knows, but says they're douchebags and they want to stay with us instead. Brandon hits it off right away with her friend, despite the fact that she's supposedly dating a guy that's old enough to be her dad. We proceed to get trashed, make out in public some more, and end up back at our hotel. She's been grabbing at my crotch all night and I have every reason to believe that it's about to go down, despite Brandon being on the other bed with her friend (they are also making out). We get in bed and she lays down with her back to me. I pull out all of my sexually inexperienced, drunk guy moves. I kiss her on the back of the neck. I bite her ear. I grab her tits. Nothing. This girl will not turn over, or even acknowledge me. I'm wasted and dead tired anyway (also lazy as shit), so I say fuck it and pass out.
I wake up what I estimate to be about an hour later, and find that I'm alone in bed. I hear some whispering from the bed next to me, and start to see movement as my eyes adjust to the dark. Emily is sucking Brandon's dick. Emily's friend is still making out with Brandon. I'm pissed and want to leave ASAP. I make a quick mental inventory of the necessities I need to make a successful escape (phone, keys, shoes). I don't know where my shoes are, but fuck it. I stand straight up, and out of the corner of my eye I see Emily's head pop out of Brandon's crotch with a startled, "Oh shit!" I grab my stuff and hit the door. I'm off running, ignoring dozens of calls from her over the next few hours. I spend most of the night behind a dumpster at 7-11, looking homeless before I find someone's room to crash in for a few hours. Needless to say, returning to the hotel the next day was a bit awkward.
2 months later, me and Brandon are at the beach again (yes, we're still friends). I'm wasted and send Emily a text, telling her that Brandon and I are at the beach again, and asking if she'd like to come suck his dick. 2 minutes later he gets a call. I can hear her screaming on the other end. "FUCK! I was in church and my mom just saw that text!"
I had been hanging out with this girl for a couple weeks. We had only done some heavy petting and some god awful dry humping. She would make me wash my hands before I could finger her, this threw up red flags at the beginning but she was smoking hot.
Once we progressed past the dry humping, our normal hang out sessions involved going out to a bar with friends, and her and I dancing like they do in those rap videos (her ass rubbing on my package). By the time we would get some alone time I was already in a full on blue-ball state. We would mess around for an hour or so with her disarming my advances with an oatmeal lotion hand-job. OATMEAL LOTION HAND JOBS ARE WORSE THAN AIDS.
One evening after getting blackout, we go back to my place and start messing around. Pretty soon I have her completely naked, and in my mind she and I will be visiting Pound Town any second now. Until she asks me, "Have you been tested since your last partner?". I had only been with two other girls before her, so I had a fair amount of certainty I was clean. However, at the time I was stunned and didn't want to lie to her, so I replied with a demoralizing: "No". Instead of being a normal person and making me strap on a raincoat, she fell back in her wheelhouse and I got one of her "famous" lotion hand jibbers.
It was my freshman year of college and my buddies pregamed and decided to go to a dorm party. It is important to note the dorm was pretty small. There weren't too many girls at the party so, needless to say, I wasn't very entertained. Out of nowhere, this girl, we will call her "Jessica," came up to me with a bowl of Cuban rice and told me to try it. Naturally I ate the food and it was surprisingly good. Jessica was glad to hear my approval so much so she brought me more food. After I devoured that, we got to talking and hit it off pretty well.
We were talking for a while and before we knew it, people started clearing out. Yet again, I thought I blew my chance. As it turned out, the party was in Jessica's room. She asked me if I wanted to stay and try so more of her food. If that didn't sound good enough, she told me she wasn't wearing any panties. I agreed to stay and within minutes, it was just the two of us in her bed. Things started to heat up and were progressing just the way I hoped they would.
But of course things ended rather messy. Right as I was about to get it in, Jessica's door opened and some guy walks in, vomits in Jessica's trash can (which was 10 feet from her bed). Seconds later, this guy's girlfriend walks in, see her boyfriend's vomit, then proceeds to throw up in the trashcan too. The lovely couple then left the room. The smell was vile.
After seeing her two friends throw up essentially right in front of her, Jessica decided it was her turn. I guess she wanted to be unique because she didn't throw up in the trashcan. No, Jessica threw up all over me then passed out. Basically, instead of having sex I cleaned up the vomit of 3 people. Great.
Jessica lived in the same dorm as me freshman and sophomore year. I loved the awkward elevator rides with just us two in the elevator.
Yeah, but now I'm hungry for Cuban rice.