I was close, Bill Belichick. I was thissss close to spending an entire NFL season free of Tebowmania, or Tebow Time, or whatever fucking brand stamp ESPN decides to put on all its coverage of the Jesusback. I was really looking forward to it, too. I was gonna watch every game safe in the knowledge that Tim Tebow and the atmospheric layers of heavenly bullshit surrounding him would be off somewhere in Canada or Australia. I was gonna watch the NFL knowing that, somewhere in Munich, Tim Tebow of the Bayern Blitzkrieg was throwing behind Dieter and Eckhart on their crossing patterns. I was gonna be happy.
BUT YOU HAD TO GO AND FUCK IT ALL UP.
You and your dipshit offensive coordinator, Josh McDaniels, have singlehandedly extended this Tebow business INDEFINITELY. Ohhhhhh, how I loathe you. I can picture you two engineering the whole scheme from Patriots headquarters:
JOSH MCDANIELS: Tebow is a special player, boss! He GETS it. He fits right in with the PATRIOT WAY of doing business. I'm still a genius for drafting him—it's just that no one realizes it yet!
YOU: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE I'LL MAKE HIM USEFUL AND THEN I'LL BANG HIS MOM GRUMBLE GRUMBLE.
JIM NANTZ: (busts through the door) Hello, friends. Would either of you care for a civilized, dignified handjob?
I bet you think you're all sooooo clever for signing Tebow. I bet you think you'll get plays out of him that no other organization possibly could. You're just that awesome. It's just like when you thought you could salvage Albert Haynesworth, and that TOTALLY worked out.
And the worst part of it is that, goddammit, you may be able to get something useful out of him. Maybe you'll move Tebow to tight end and he'll flourish, and then we'll all want to DIE. Or maybe you'll shift him from H-back to strong safety to part-time dropkicker all in one game, like a white Troy Brown with a Mogen clamp. And then fuckface Boston fans will be like THAT'S OW-AHHHHH LITTLE TIMMY WELKAHBOW! Once again, the LEGENDARY Bruinsawx fans have elevated yet anothah medicoah talent thanks to ow-ahhh superior rooting ability! No Jim Carrey Syndrome fahhh us! YOU CANNOT BRING US DOWN! They've tried to destroy Bawston for 350 yeee-ahs! But we ahhhn't like weak cities like Memphis! What's the mattah, Memphis?! MLK's shooting still gawt you down?! YOU LACK GRIT! That's exactly what they'll say. Verbatim.
This all could have been avoided. The collective (and hilarious) blackballing of Tim Tebow could have continued in earnest, and he eventually would have fucked off to go perform CPR on aborted fetuses in French Polynesia and left the rest of the world alone. ESPN would have been deprived of its only source of oxygen and eventually withered away and died. Skip Bayless was this close to slipping into a sugar coma without any Tebow news to feed on or outright invent. But now, the cycle will begin again. Can Belichick save Tebow? What position will he play? Isn't there always room on an NFL roster for someone with the heart of a champion? Does the media hate God? How does this all make Tom Brady feel? WHAT DOES COACH HERM EDWARDS THINK OF ALL THIS (cut to Herm laughing in the studio for no reason at all)? Oh God, it makes me wanna fucking PUKE.
This is what you've foisted upon the world, Bill Belichick. You can't win a Super Bowl with your shitass defense these days, so now you just content yourself with demonstrating little football tricks for the world, to let everyone know you've still got it. You just subjected us to the worst of ESPN and the Tebow Industrial Complex. I hope it was worth it. You dick.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also buy Drew's new book, Someone Could Get Hurt, in time for Father's Day through his homepage.