Last week, current Niners QB and future miserable player on a 4-12 team Colin Kaepernick got into a Twitter beef with random Twitter user Stephen Batten (Twitter handle @battman_returns, which is a weak handle when @BattenDownTheSnatches was right there for the taking). It started when Kaep tweeted out his daily workout/study routine…
And Batten threw down a smoking hot #study hashtag…
And then Kaepernick returned fire PEW PEW PEW!
Batten started that day with eight followers and now has 2,000, which if course means that he wins a new boat (I'm told this is how the Twitter economy works). So even though Kaepernick owned the shit out of this random moron, he probably would have been better off never engaging in the first place, especially given that it led to takes like this one:
Isn't this slightly against brand? After all, it was Kaepernick who appeared in a Beats ad, in which fans said far, far worse things to him than did Batten, and the great (pretender) quarterback just put on his headphones to shut it all out.
Perhaps, when he saw Batten's tweet, he didn't have his headphones nearby.
I fancy, though, that there will be at least one amateur psychologist (and a few professionals) who will wonder whether Kaepernick's touchiness betrays a lack of self-belief.
Christ. I mean… I want to spell this passage out large enough to see from space so that the aliens can see it and come vaporize us.
In general, there's nothing to be gained from being a famous athlete and going on Twitter. You're probably gonna have a million followers right away, and I don't even want to know what kind of unholy mix of bots, racists, and stalkers would populate the mentions of a million-strong Twitter account. Within five seconds of creating your account, you will probably receive a dozen death threats. For us pissants, Twitter helps slake a craven thirst for attention. But for you, the millionaire athlete who already has more attention than he requires, it seems like a redundant waste of fucking time. I don't see Tom Brady's life suffering from a lack of social media presence.
But athletes aren't the smartest people on the universe, and they like any social media platform that offers the promise of free pussy. So if you're a famous player looking to expand your online presence (which again, is not at all necessary for you), I am here to provide some advice. I have over FIVE YEARS OF EXPERIENCE USING TWITTER, which sounds impressive because it totally is. Also, I am not Darren Rovell, so you can trust me. Let's go!
1. Never beef*. Ever ever ever. Someone said something to piss you off? Welcome to Twitter, where this happens once every half-second. Observe… (waits five seconds) Okay, I just fantasized about murdering 10 different people. That's how quickly Twitter can generate my inner rage.
But you cannot engage. Ever. The second you reply, you've already lost, because your beefing opponent now knows he's gotten in your head. There is no cash prize for winning a Twitter beef (although there ought to be). And losing a Twitter beef will cause you hours upon hours of inner torment. Can't believe I got pwn3d by that douche! You may even end up driving to Temecula.
And then people will wonder WHY you're beefing, and then they'll wonder about your fragile confidence, and then you will be labeled soft, and then Jay Gruden will bench you. That's how it works.
(*This rule does not apply if you are beefing with ANOTHER famous athlete. If that's the case, by all means go for it. I'll be here, ready to Storify that shit.)
2. Don't favorite porn. We can see that. See how it says FAVORITES on your profile page? Everyone can see that, which means everyone can see that screengrab you favorited of Lisa Ann pulling out a buttplug. If you see a picture on Twitter of a butt that you simply can't live without, just bookmark it for later use. Or find the woman in the photo and have sex with her. You're an athlete. That's a realistic possibility for you.
3. Don't subtweet imaginary haters. Like so:
Who are you talking to? Is this a straw man voice that's inside your head at all times? You may need to get that checked out. Little tip for you famous athletes: Most of the people you encounter on Twitter will be substantially less talented and less financially secure than you. Your version of "adversity" is light years removed from what the average schmuck deals with. You want haters? Try commuting. You are surrounded by haters every inch of the road. I'll take a little public criticism over getting my benefits pulled by the boss at Walmart.
4. Slide into DMs at your own risk. Oh, that girl in your mentions said you were cute, did she? Well, please note that she could be A) A Russian malware provider, B) A local scam artist, C) Some crazy person thirsty for follows, D) A murderer, E) A hooker, or F) Someone looking to take a screengrab of your dirtyass DMs so she can sell them to BIG CLICKBAIT. The odds that you've struck upon a perfectly normal person with no other ulterior motive other than to hang with you is roughly .05 percent. So don't just storm into those DMs asking if she's trying to get the pipe.
5. If you're just gonna tweet out a bunch of religious stuff to buff your halo, don't bother. Like this:
What does that even mean? Getting a real bondage vibe from that tweet. Anyway, if you tweet out all of your pious learnings and all of your good deeds, please know that THIS is what awaits you on the other end…
It's so true. Maybe Malcolm Butler wouldn't picked that pass off if you'd spent more time on that clit, buddy.
6. Do not over-tweet. What, you think you're the only person I'm following? Chances are that you, the pro athlete, have virtually nothing interesting to say, so please don't say more of it. I'm following you strictly out of loyalty, man. And I'm busy scouring my timeline for angry Robert Duvall photos from last night LOL LOOGIT THE OLD MAN:
It's funny because he's old. Anyway, overtweeters are terrible people and should be jailed.
7. Do not over-retweet. Especially if you're JaVale McGee and the person you retweet the most is… yourself. Our Samer Kalaf: "That's his thing, Drew. All of his tweets are in the form of a manual retweet." This makes JaVale McGee America's worst person. Why is he doing this? He needs more time on the clit, I say!
8. "LOL" does not need to be at the end of every tweet. After a while, I stop believing that you're actually laughing out loud, you know? Speaking of which…
9. Do not try to be funny. The Twitter pond is already stocked with 10 million assholes (myself included) who are trying to be the next Mitch Hedberg but don't have the balls to get out of the house and test out their comedic gems at the Ha Ha Hole's open mic night. Your feed should be a lovely oasis in this sea of strained punchlines. Also, you're not funny. You know how Dwight Howard is always trying to be funny and it's horrible? That's you. You are more likely to be Dwight than Brandon McCarthy when it comes to the funny. So don't be funny. There's already enough funny out there. We've got funny coming out of our asses. It's like corn at this point. We don't need it.
10. Don't tell us what your workout was today. I already know you're in shape. I just sucked down half a Go-Gurt my kid wouldn't finish. Fuck you. I don't like you.