Running 50 Miles Across Kansas Was Actually Kind Of AwesomeSean Newell11/03/13 12:55pmFiled to: recovering fatass soundtrackrunner's high fidelitylifespinmusic134EditPromoteShare to KinjaToggle Conversation toolsGo to permalinkI ran in the Bison 50 Relay race from Topeka to Lawrence, Kansas last weekend. It was 50 miles and surprisingly not the worst thing I've ever done. Next week I'll run a half-marathon in Florida and then, well, I don't know what I'll do. Probably get re-fat on alcohol and seasonal treats for the next two months because, honestly, Thanksgiving? And then Christmas? Christmas cookies? I'm not going to eat all the Christmas cookies? Sure, let's go with that. Aim for the stars. AdvertisementAnyway, here's your Spotify playlist. Let's talk Bison."Degausser, Brand New"AdvertisementSo the relay race was actually pretty fun. I mean, the running was the worst part, but there was so much more! We had a team of 5, so we all ran about 10 miles each (I did 10.6 because I go HAAM). There were 10 legs to the race so we each did two. Initially I just assumed we'd all do two legs in a row, but we split them up, each doing one leg and then repeating the order. It was myself, my wife, my brother-in-law and two of his Army buddies. Great dudes and great fun. "Catamaran, Bear vs. Shark"We all climbed into my BIL's friend's van around 6:30 in the morning and drove out to the race in freezing-cold Kansas. I packed so poorly for this thing. I didn't bring pants because I don't run in pants, but I did mean to at least bring a sweatshirt, which I unfortunately left sitting on the bed, right next to the spot where I hastily packed. Anyway, I had the second leg and it was still pretty early and the sun was just barely rising. There was frost on the grass and it was really crunchy frost, too. Not that dew that looks like frost but instantly melts when you walk on it. This was serious, Guy Fieri frost. Sponsored"When The Levee Breaks, Led Zeppelin"It wasn't a huge problem, though, because we could just wait in the car until we thought the first guy would be making his way to the first checkpoint. That was really the most fun of the whole thing. I felt like we were some kind of slightly less bad-ass version of The A-Team. We'd drop off the next runner, hop in the car and then try to find our way to the next checkpoint in time for the runner to pass the baton—in this case, a timing device—to the next (wo)man up. That is basically nothing like The A-Team, but there was a van. And I hate flying in airplanes so...call it a wash.AdvertisementBut there was something exciting about tooling around Kansas looking for the checkpoint, seeing the lone porta potty in the distance—every check point had one—and knowing we found the right place. It would have been a lot less fun had we all done two legs at once, because then we'd be skipping half the checkpoints. "I'm Not Okay," My Chemical RomanceMy first leg was 4.1 miles and I was pretty nervous about it. I was clearly the weak link of the team: my wife is a psychotic Runner and the other guys are in the Army. They have gone through literal boot camp. Not some bullshit Hey it's your first day at the gym so we're gonna be cute and call it Boot Camp. These guys had to get in shape to fight in wars; I'm a dude who needs to take a nap after running. I didn't want to let anyone down so I took the baton handoff like a champ and I was off. To a blistering 9:30/mile pace. Advertisement"Transatlantic Foe, At The Drive-In"It was still cold so I wasn't really sweating until maybe mile two, but my lungs were on fire. I always hated that about running in the cold. Playing football or basketball in the winter in my earlier years was always the worst because you just felt like your bronchioles and alveoli would shatter if someone hit your chest. The thing about this race was, there were a lot less people involved than in the previous races I had been in. I had no idea where I was or where I was going but I knew I wasn't going to be in the lead or anything. So I'd just follow the crowd. Only thing is, there was no crowd. Also, the dude in front of me was kind of fast so there weren't that many people ahead of me in the first place. The course was marked very well, but I still had a bit of anxiety about not making it to the checkpoint. Not so much because I'd be lost in Who The Fuck Knows Where, Kansas, but because I'd be letting the team down. Which, again: psychotic Runner wife and three Army dudes. Luckily, I was passed quite often and had plenty of people to follow. AdvertisementAdvertisement"Insistor," Tapes 'n TapesThese morning races, though, they mess me up. I did the same stupid thing I did during the half-marathon and had breakfast and coffee without pooping before the race. I almost ran into the same problem, too, but I was able to keep it together until after my first leg and we were en route to the next stage. Then I shit in a McDonald's. I may just start one of those maps people have where they mark off all the places they've travelled. Except mine will be places I have shit while running a race. So far we have a Long Island Dunkin Donuts and a Topeka McDonald's. I am going to try to work it so I poop somewhere in Epcot next week so it could technically be an international map. Maybe Norway, or Morocco. So many possibilities.