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Tom Brady Lied And Killed Babies With His Lies

It’s the day after the NFL’s bombshell revelation—all revelations must be BOMBSHELL—that Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone before NFL investigators could get their hands on it and use it to expose his plots. But he destroyed more than just his cell phone that day, fair reader … HE DESTROYED OUR NATIONAL INNOCENCE. » 7/29/15 4:31pm Wednesday 4:31pm

Here Are 14 Things You Will Say To Your Kids A Million Goddamn Times

I have three kids. They don’t fucking listen. One day, God as my witness, they will listen. They will stop, turn around, not talk for five seconds, and say to me, “Wow, I never thought of it that way before. Thanks, Dad!” I swear it will happen. I will destroy entire countries if I have to make it so. But until then,… » 7/16/15 2:50pm 7/16/15 2:50pm

Chris Broussard Is ESPN’s Favorite Kind Of Shitty

Between fucking up his report on the DeAndre Jordan saga and beefing with co-workers about the chastity of Russell Wilson, last week was quite a week for ESPN reporter and self-proclaimed “thought leader” Chris Broussard. With ESPN tightening its belt and sending away expensive, outspoken talent like Keith Olbermann… » 7/13/15 2:35pm 7/13/15 2:35pm

“Never Fight People Bigger Than You”: Your School Fight Horror Stories

I went to Spanish Camp when I was a kid (shut up), and there was this one kid named Dave who was always a dick to me. I spent pretty much every waking moment ruminating on how much I hated Dave, until one day when I couldn’t take it anymore, and I walked up behind Dave and sucker-punched him. Total cheap shot. I am a… » 7/10/15 12:30pm 7/10/15 12:30pm

People Who Hate Air Conditioning Are Commie Assholes

It’s summer again, which means it’s time for a whole new round of dirty hippie assholes smarming up the Internet with their anti-air conditioning takes. Even the Pope got in on it. NOT COOL, COOL POPE. Anyway, these air conditioning shamers are a scourge and they must be destroyed, starting with the editor-in-chief of… » 7/06/15 4:25pm 7/06/15 4:25pm