Why Paternity Leave Is Important, Even Though You’ll Hate It

Every few years, there's a big Hot Sports Take orgy because a pro athlete decided to skip a game for a birth and/or paternity leave. This year, it was Daniel Murphy's turn in the barrel, getting dumped on by Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa after skipping two games after his kid was born. Esiason has since apologized,… » 4/10/14 5:17pm 4/10/14 5:17pm

Real Or Fake, Stephen Colbert's Late Show Is Gonna Be Awesome

Back when Stephen Colbert was on The Daily Show, he also used to do radio-ad voiceover work for extra money. I was a junior copywriter working on a shit-ass cell-phone account when our agency hired Colbert (who worked for scale at the time) to enter a recording studio and do a series of 60-second retail spots. They… » 4/10/14 2:50pm 4/10/14 2:50pm

At Least The Tiger Woods Bullshit Machine Is As Healthy As Ever

So Tiger Woods backed out of the Masters this week after having a microdiscectomy operation on his spine. And, in accordance with how Tiger Woods conducts business, a gangbang of faceless agents and marketers came together on his behalf and posted a formal statement on his website about the withdrawal, which included… » 4/02/14 2:36pm 4/02/14 2:36pm

Is There Ever A Good Reason To Throw A Drink In A Woman’s Face?

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering Gwyneth Paltrow's idiocy, NCAA pay rates, poop, and more. » 4/01/14 2:21pm 4/01/14 2:21pm

Can Anyone Stop The Beliebers? Vote On The Bitchy Bracket Final 8

We're down to the regional finals of our survey of the most thin-skinned, defensive fanboys in America, and apparently you people aren't familiar enough with the lunatics at TEAM BREEZY because Chris Brown's virtual harem got spanked in the Sweet 16 by Beliebers, who make such obvious targets. Here now are your… » 4/01/14 12:28pm 4/01/14 12:28pm

I Bandwagoned The How I Met Your Mother Finale, Which Sucked

I have a nasty habit of jumping into popular TV shows at the last moment to siphon off a bit of counterfeit emotional payoff without putting in the years and years of tedious buildup. I did this with Lost (not bad!). I did this with Breaking Bad (I REGRET NOTHING). And last night I did it with How I Met Your Mother (or … » 4/01/14 11:08am 4/01/14 11:08am

Columnist Angry At The Imaginary Murders DeSean Jackson Has Witnessed

You thought Phil Mushnick couldn't get any more Mushnick on your ass than he already has? Ohhhh, people. Oh, how you underestimate that cagey old fucker. Because today, Mushnick hopped into the Andy Rooney machine and set it to Full Bushy Eyebrow. Join me as he carefully evaluates the plight of… » 3/31/14 2:31pm 3/31/14 2:31pm

Why Are Screens Better Than Real Life?

I have three children, and left unsupervised, they will stare at screens until their eyeballs liquefy and seep into the carpet. And so, I spend every single day of my existence wringing my hands over how much screen time is too much screen time for these people. Sometimes I set a timer. Sometimes I say, "TIME IS UP" and… » 3/27/14 4:10pm 3/27/14 4:10pm

A Proper Dress Code For Getting Shitfaced At The Ballpark

Today our Tom Ley goofed on the silly new dress code restrictions for the St. Louis Cardinals Ballpark Village (i.e., a place where bros from Dardenne Prairie will get shitfaced after another triumphant Cardinals win against a morally inferior opponent). Ley pointed out that there was no shortage of racial coding to… » 3/26/14 4:36pm 3/26/14 4:36pm

Who Will Be The Bitchy Cinderella? Round 2 Of The Bitchy Bracket Begins

So the first round of the Bitchy Bracket is done, and we're ready to move on to the second round of voting. Before starting in on voting, though, let's take a brief look at the first-round results, which saw all sorts of touchy fanboys knocked off, including some that, honestly, deserved less respect than they got. » 3/24/14 11:30am 3/24/14 11:30am

I Sang Two National Anthems At An NBA Game And Did Not Start A War

Canada ruins everything. At least, it does when it comes to event planning your standard regular-season NBA game. As you probably know, any game that features an American team playing a Canadian team must include the singing of both "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "O Canada." If you look up into the rafters of any American… » 3/20/14 4:13pm 3/20/14 4:13pm

Who Are The Bitchiest, Most Defensive Fans In America?

Not long ago, our Billy Haisley wrote a post shitting on Major League Soccer. When you rip on American soccer, you can rest assured that a tidal bore of American soccer fanboy defensiveness is headed your way. It's almost as if they're all huddled together outside your house, waiting behind the shrubbery, fully… » 3/19/14 4:44pm 3/19/14 4:44pm