Down With America's Kid-Competition Complex

I was at a parent's night at my kid's school a couple of years ago—one of those things where you go to the school at night to meet the kid's teacher and eat a cookie and listen as the teacher tells you all the shit they do in class every day, and then you nod your head in approval. "Ah, yes. MUSIC TIME. That will… » 7/15/14 11:10am 7/15/14 11:10am

Denver Post Columnist Writes The Hottest LeBron Take Ever

In a world where even Dan Shaughnessy will hedge against his own stupidity, we desperately need a local newspaper columnist who isn't afraid to dish out the kind of moral rectitude and one-sentence KABOOM paragraphs that will put the sporting world back on the path to righteousness. We need a hero. We need the… » 7/11/14 10:24am 7/11/14 10:24am

Why Do So Many Sportswriters Love Bruce Springsteen?

Hello. My name is Drew, and I think Bruce Springsteen is just OK. I have never bought one of his albums. I have attended one of his concerts (I was shitfaced), but only one. I used to practice singing "Brilliant Disguise" in the shower when I was in high school so that I could serenade a girl with it. Any girl,… » 7/01/14 11:05am 7/01/14 11:05am

How To Bandwagon Like You Mean It

We're all born bandwagon fans. We're born without loyalties, and without any sense of obligation to one team or another. Your dad might dress you up in a ROLL TIDE onesie, but that doesn't automatically make you a rabid devotee to the cause. We all begin our relationship with sports casually. There's always that… » 6/23/14 1:04pm 6/23/14 1:04pm

"Go, OJ, Go!": Liveblogging The White Bronco Chase, 20 Years Later

Unlike many people, I don't remember where I was when OJ Simpson took off on that infamous Bronco ride back in 1994. It was summer, so I was probably at my folks' house asking my mom to buy me lots of Killian's Irish Red for freshman year. I remember watching the sheriff on ESPN say that police were "actively"… » 6/18/14 5:37pm 6/18/14 5:37pm

The World Cup Is Your Kid’s Last Hope

I have three kids, and I have resigned myself to the fact that they will never be sports fans in the way that I am a sports fan. They'll never waste time perusing box scores in the newspaper because newspapers are old and dead. They'll never pledge loyalty to one local team because they have fantasy teams and Red Zone… » 6/17/14 3:46pm 6/17/14 3:46pm

Who Is The Skip Bayless Of Ghana (And Italy And England And ...)?

So I watched the U.S. pull off a thrilling win over Ghana last night and after the euphoria died down and I had to take a beer shit, I thought about what local Ghanaian reaction would be to this stinging defeat. Surely, there must be a Bill Plaschke-type back home at the Ghana Ghazette, doling out scorching hot takes… » 6/17/14 10:01am 6/17/14 10:01am

The Hater’s Guide To The 2014 World Cup

Soccer! Football! The Beautiful Game! OL' NETTY! Yes, it's time again for 31 contending nations (plus England) to gather together for the World Cup. Now, soccer people (very much to be confused with pod people) will remind you that the World Cup is the most popular sporting event in the world. Of course, that's… » 6/11/14 3:29pm 6/11/14 3:29pm

​Laser Tag Is Fucking War

My plan was to fart. I ate a shitload of Chinese for lunch and five slices of pizza for dinner (CRUSHED those slices), and so I figured that if I farted long and hard enough, I would inflict damage upon my co-workers, regardless of my actual marksmanship. SHUT UP AND FART SMOG SOMEONE. That was my laser tag strategy. » 6/04/14 2:00pm 6/04/14 2:00pm