What Are We Being Ordered To Care About Instead Of That Goddamn Dress?

The Rule of the Internet is that when people argue about something silly, like the color of a goddamn dress, an army of remarkably irritating people will amass to counter that phenomenon and remind you that you are a shallow cock for worrying about the color of a dress. Let's meet these smarm merchants now, shall we? » 2/27/15 11:16am Friday 11:16am

The Hater’s Guide To The 2015 Oscars

Every year, the Oscars come along, and it becomes more evident that the Oscars are the worst live event on television. Other award shows are smart enough to jettison technical categories, get the nominees shitfaced, and encourage poor wardrobe choices. Meanwhile, these things are still as self-important as ever… » 2/19/15 12:09pm 2/19/15 12:09pm

The Hater’s Guide To Chuck E. Cheese’s

I have a son who turned six a few weeks ago, and we needed to do something to acknowledge the milestone, even though turning six doesn't really mean anything. I have long been an advocate for the abolition of BIG BIRTHDAY, but kids have a knack for teaming up with the Birthday Industrial Complex to wear you down. … » 2/13/15 2:51pm 2/13/15 2:51pm

It Happened To Me: I Tried To Fight A Mirror

I'm gonna tell this story again, because it's the dumbest thing that's ever happened to me, and no one at Gawker Media believes that anyone could be so stupid. But I was. Again, this will be very difficult to explain, because it requires LAYERS of idiocy on the part of the protagonist (that would be me), but I swear… » 2/12/15 4:09pm 2/12/15 4:09pm

Jon Stewart Should Run For Office

So Jon Stewart formally announced his impending retirement/Jeter Farewell Tour last night. (Twitter, as it does, reacted as if he had died, so my condolences.) And naturally, he took a moment to say that he might use his time off to spend more time with his family. Now, you and I have heard this from four billion… » 2/11/15 9:55am 2/11/15 9:55am

Peter King Defends Hall Of Fame’s Right To Honor Alleged Serial Rapist

The NFL season is over, which means it's probably a good time for big-time NFL writers to go home and take a nap. And it seems no certified water-carrier needs a break more than SI's Peter King, who took to Twitter last night to defend the Hall of Fame candidacy of … alleged serial rapist Darren Sharper? Please note… » 2/04/15 11:48am 2/04/15 11:48am

Counterpoint: Tom Brady Is One Of The Best Of All Time, Moron 

I knew there would be a lot of shitty hot takes in the wake of yesterday's titanic Super Bowl. But I didn't know that the worst take of all would come from THIS VERY WEBSITE, from the otherwise perfectly reasonable Barry Petchesky. Barry is a Giants fan, so maybe his brain has been wadded up with municipal pothole… » 2/02/15 2:45pm 2/02/15 2:45pm

Your Fake, Zany Craigslist Ad Is Stupid And Annoying

In 2015, the only people out there who have any real use for Craigslist are hookers and serial murderers. Personally speaking, I haven't used the site since 2009, when my wife and I bought an outdoor playhouse from a lady nearby. Turned out the playhouse had a colony of yellowjackets inside of it. Craigslist is… » 1/30/15 3:43pm 1/30/15 3:43pm

GQ: Goodell Berates NFL Employees for Being Overpaid

Over at my other day job, GQ just posted this big fat schlongread from Gabriel Sherman about NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. You should head over there and read the whole thing now, because the piece does wonders for anyone who (like me) is looking to hate Goodell even more than they already do. In light of the… » 1/26/15 9:44am 1/26/15 9:44am

The Greatest Mötley Crüe Songs Of All Time (And The Worst)

Wanna be a roadie? Guess what? BEING A ROADIE SUCKS. I spent a couple days on tour with Mötley Crüe for this big GQ article that dropped today, and I have a newfound appreciation for the rigors of going on tour and setting up an entire goddamn stage in a new city in a differently shaped arena night after night after… » 1/22/15 11:18am 1/22/15 11:18am