Sit down. Maybe you should sit down for this. Please sit down. Are you sitting? Hey, no, that's Grandpa's chair. Somewhere else. Sit. Roll over. (Ha, little joke there.) No, just, would you please take a seat. Thank you. And brace yourself.
Albert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspinner this week is longtime friend of the program Miserable Shitehawk.
1. Junior Mints
Fun fact! Careful examination of the historical record reveals that, whatever the goddamn Starbucks menu may suggest to the contrary, the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs between Sept. 15 and Dec. 20 is not a capital crime. Whether the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs in that time period…
What are the United States' best regional foodstuffs? Its worst? These are the questions that bedevil the mind of man—but no longer! For here, we have ranked them. Rigorously scientific (not), ardently researched (nope), and scrupulously fair (not even a little bit): this is the Great American Menu!
How long we toiled—suffered! toiled and suffered!—how bitterly we toiled and suffered—and died!—under the pitiless yoke of plain peanut butter, cruelest and least forgiving of all the spreads. How fervently we yearned for chocolatey deliverance. We took to the rooftops of our humble mud-homes, blind with grief and…