Papelboned: Dong Grab Earns Phillies Closer Seven-Game Ban

MLB announced tonight that Jonathan Papelbon will be suspended seven games for grabbing his penis toward booing Phillies fans, which is a sentence I consider it a privilege to have been able to write. » 9/15/14 9:31pm 9/15/14 9:31pm

Jonathan Papelbon Ejected For Grabbing Crotch At Booing Phillies Fans


Phillies reliever Jonathan Papelbon has never been a crowd favorite in Philadelphia, and when fans at Citizens Bank Park booed him off the field for blowing a three-run ninth inning lead to the Marlins he recognized their display by grabbing his dick. » 9/14/14 5:00pm 9/14/14 5:00pm

Jonathan Papelbon Continues To Endear Himself To Phillies Fans

Much like the Mariners, the Phillies also brought in the wrong pitcher last night. Unlike the Mariners, this one wasn't an accident; Jonathan Papelbon's the closer. » 8/02/13 11:05am 8/02/13 11:05am

Jonathan Papelbon Says Blow Up The Phillies

The Phillies are done, the rest of their season rendered cosmetic, and their high-priced closer, never one to mince words, is getting a little frustrated. Jonathan Papelbon, after pitching a meaningless inning in Philly's embarrassing 12-4 loss just to get some work: "I definitely didn't come here for this." » 7/29/13 9:05am 7/29/13 9:05am

Grumpy Hater Jonathan Papelbon Doesn't Think Yasiel Puig Is An All-Star

Everyone loves Yasiel Puig, because Yasiel Puig has done nothing but be completely awesome since being called up by the Dodgers one month ago. Everyone except Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon, that is, who thinks that it would be "a joke" if Puig made the National League all-star team. » 7/02/13 5:20pm 7/02/13 5:20pm

Jonathan Papelbon Is Afraid Obama "Wants To Take Our Guns From Us"

The Boston Marathon bombings have had a particular resonance for Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon, who spent seven seasons with the Red Sox and says he once lived above the spot where one of the bombs detonated. Papelbon is rightly concerned about security at open gatherings in the wake of the attacks, and his… » 4/17/13 3:01pm 4/17/13 3:01pm

After Blown Save Jonathan Papelbon Promises $5K For A Walk-Off Homerun,…

Jim Thome hit his 13th game-winning home run yesterday, good enough for a weird Major League record only the folks at Elias think about. It was also good enough for $5,000, according to Jonathan Papelbon. Paps came in to a 6-4 Phillies lead over the Tampa Bay Rays in the ninth inning and promptly gave it away on a… » 6/24/12 11:00am 6/24/12 11:00am

Jonathan Papelbon Found Not Guilty Of Thoughtcrime

Pap's not mad at you, AAA-callup umpire D.J. Reyburn. He's just disappointed. Disappointed that you're so bad at your job. You "probably need to go back to triple A." » 6/05/12 12:50pm 6/05/12 12:50pm

Jonathan Papelbon Is Now Referring To Himself In The Third Person As…

Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: That's short of Cinco Ocho, of course. » 5/17/12 5:55pm 5/17/12 5:55pm

Sure, Jonathan Papelbon Would Have Talked To The Yankees If They Were…

Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: Paps reminds you that rivalries exist in the minds of fans alone. » 3/09/12 6:35pm 3/09/12 6:35pm

The Guy From The Dropkick Murphys Would Like You To Know He Didn't…

Yesterday, ESPN Music(?!) reported that Ken Casey, vocalist for the Dropkick Murphys, did not want Jonathan Papelbon using his old entrance song. That song, "I'm Shipping Up To Boston," is reserved for the Red Sox closer, Casey supposedly said, and now that Papelbon is in Philadelphia, he's no longer welcome to it. » 3/07/12 1:25pm 3/07/12 1:25pm

The Dropkick Murphys Won't Let Jonathan Papelbon Use His Old Entrance…

For the longest time (or at least since The Departed made it famous), Jonathan Papelbon has been entering to the bagpipes-and-guitars opening riff of the Dropkick Murphys' "I'm Shipping Up To Boston." It made sense. The song is instantly recognizable, catchy, and it's about Boston. » 3/06/12 4:25pm 3/06/12 4:25pm

Jonathan Papelbon To The Phillies And Ramon Santiago To The Pirates,…

Your roundup of all the hottest hot-stove items of the day (and whatever shit Ken Rosenthal is throwing against the wall). This is ... HOT FUCKING STOVE!!!! » 11/11/11 6:50pm 11/11/11 6:50pm

Last Night's Winner: Boston Self-Pity

In sports everyone's a winner — some just win better than others. Like Boston pity-partiers ready to commemorate their return to being sad-sacks after a glorious run of over-confidence. » 5/18/10 11:35am 5/18/10 11:35am

Coming Soon: Jonathan Papelbon's Dubious Taste In Cinema

"Dark Side of the Locker Room" is a compendium of journalists' bizarre, amusing and previously undocumented encounters with athletes (and often athletes' genitalia). Got a story? Send it to darkside@deadspin.com. » 10/23/09 2:45pm 10/23/09 2:45pm

The Papelbon Dirty Dancing Videos Are Here. Oh, Man

If the Red Sox fail to win the East this season — and let's face it, it's looking more and more doubtful » 9/11/08 10:15am 9/11/08 10:15am — we can probably blame this. One is never really prepared for a video of Jonathan Papelbon at a high school talent show performing Dirty Dancing routines in drag; it's just a shock to the system any way you look…

Jonathan Papelbon Will Sign Your Ball In Exchange For Nude Photos Of…

Even if Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon suddenly goes through a horrid Gagne-like implosion, he will never have to worry about losing the hearts of the Fenway faithful. Consider this story, courtesy of Roto-World, as another reason for his deification. The story starts with a group of 40-something drunk-and-rowdies… » 6/10/08 7:05pm 6/10/08 7:05pm