The Marlins Are So Bad, Businesses Don't Want To Open Nearby

Apologies if it seems that we're dwelling on the failures of Marlins Park—but there are oh so many of them, each more embarrassing than the last. This one's about that huge "economic impact" the new stadium was supposed to bring to the area. More than a year after the stadium debuted, not one single business has… » 5/08/13 10:40am 5/08/13 10:40am

Marlins Tickets Are Basically Free, And Still No One's Going

You've got a second-year stadium and the worst attendance in the league. You've got the worst team in baseball. If you're the Marlins, how do you possibly make money? The answer, it seems, is to give away free tickets and hope people buy lots of beers. » 4/25/13 11:25am 4/25/13 11:25am

Photos: Marlins Park Is Satisfyingly Empty

Well, what do you know? It turns out Jeffrey Loria and David Samson were lying when they said the Marlins needed a new ballpark to draw. Maybe they need a new owner. » 4/11/13 8:55am 4/11/13 8:55am

Marlins Attendance Is Going To Be A Disaster

Planning to go to the Marlins' home opener on April 8, as Miami kicks off yet another rebuilding year? The odds are: you're probably not. But the Marlins are doing whatever they can to get you in the ballpark: Half-off tickets through Groupon! Two-for-one deals! A free all-you-can-eat buffet! How about a competitive… » 3/25/13 9:10am 3/25/13 9:10am

Jeffrey Loria Strikes Back: "It Ain't True, Folks" And Marlins Park Has…

Jeffrey Loria took out a full page ad in several South Florida newspapers today in an attempt to win the hearts and minds of the six people who haven't quite made up their minds on his wretched franchise. He talks about a lot of things: the unsustainable roster full of major league talent, the World Series Miami won a… » 2/24/13 4:05pm 2/24/13 4:05pm

The Real Cost To Miami For Marlins Park Is In The Billions

We've aired our grievances with the very concept of public financing for sports stadiums, especially the sweetheart deal Jeffrey Loria got for Marlins Park, where the team had to cover less than 20 percent of the cost. But even if you're not philosophically opposed to tax money going to multi-millionaire owners, it's… » 1/25/13 11:10am 1/25/13 11:10am

There's Some Tim Lincecum Voodoo Going On At The Marlins' Bobblehead…

We've already highlighted the horrors of Marlins Park's Bobblehead Museum, featuring a moving glass case that keeps the heads bobbling...ever bobbling. But there, in some severed ceramic, may lie the answer to Tim Lincecum's struggles. » 6/27/12 5:00pm 6/27/12 5:00pm

There Are Already Lots Of Empty Seats At Marlins Games

All right, so, there's nothing worse and more useless than attendance stories in April. Still: here's one anyway. The Marlins, despite that fancy new ballpark, haven't even been close to filling the place. » 4/18/12 2:05pm 4/18/12 2:05pm

Jeffrey Loria Had A Marlins Park Cake With Swarovski Crystals And A…

After trotting out Muhammad Ali like a show pony, the Marlins owner welcomed friends and colleagues to his luxury suite on opening night with this cake: a custom made replica of Marlins Park. That bigass logo? It's 3,600 crystals. Probably worth more than your life. I swear to god, this thing better not have a working… » 4/06/12 9:45am 4/06/12 9:45am

Nice Of Marlins Park To Include A Bobblehead Hall Of Nightmares

Lost in all the other wonderful features, like the fish and the home run sculpture and the fact that Marlins Park is actually really nice is something called the Bobblehead Museum. No need to come to Little Havana to see it—it'll come to you in your nightmares. » 4/04/12 1:55pm 4/04/12 1:55pm

Marlins Park, Camden Yards, And The End Of The Retro Ballpark

Marlins Park has been unveiled to the masses, and early reviews are fawning. "Contemporary," "dazzling," "forward-looking." The only thing not state-of-the-art is a true center field camera (perhaps the home run sculpture is in the way). » 4/03/12 2:20pm 4/03/12 2:20pm

The Marlins' Home Run Sculpture Is Alive

When I was young, the Mets tricked me into rooting for them solely by that giant fiberglass apple. I couldn't wait for Howard Johnson or Kevin McReynolds to hit a home run, just so I could see the apple rise out of the similarly comically oversized top hat. So maybe, at 28, I'm no longer in the demographic for the… » 3/26/12 9:55am 3/26/12 9:55am

The Marlins Are Testing The Safety Of Their Fish Tank By Throwing…

I love me some animal welfare, but can't get too worked up by the Marlins having a tank filled with live fish embedded in the backstop of the new Marlins Park. For one, fish are dumb. For another, the other option, the ocean, is not exactly a paradise. There are predators and seaquakes and boats and the constant… » 3/14/12 12:35pm 3/14/12 12:35pm

Marlins President Calls Miamians Stupid, Jose Reyes Greedy

If you know anything about the sweetheart deal the city gave the Marlins to build a new stadium, you know team president David Samson basically bent Miami over a pinball machine and had his way with it. But he's far from done with the humiliation—with his remarks to a gathering of local business leaders yesterday,… » 3/07/12 12:50pm 3/07/12 12:50pm

Marlins Park Now Has Fish

And so the assorted tangs and bettas have been moved to their home, their prison, their eternal resting place behind home plate at the new Marlins Park. There they shall live and swim in circles without ever knowing the open seas or passionate baseball fans, until such time as natural causes or a forgotten filter… » 3/02/12 2:15pm 3/02/12 2:15pm