Congratulations, Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings


The NHL Closer is written by five people of European descent at Melt Your Face Off. We're not the first people to blog the Stanley Cup Finals, but Don Cherry still calls us "soft". So, for all you kids out there, Raskolnikov toughened up to recapitulate Detroit's clincher. » 6/05/08 9:15am 6/05/08 9:15am

Sykora Calls His Shot


The NHL Closer is written by five insomniacs from Melt Your Face Off. We blame overtime hockey and copious amounts of caffeine for our condition. Raskolnikov downed two cases of Mountain Dew to recapitulate last night's epic thriller. » 6/03/08 9:15am 6/03/08 9:15am

Mellon Arena: The Final Frontier

The NHL Closer is written by the five Star Trek: The Next Generation enthusiasts from Melt Your Face Off. When not attending conventions, they can be found in their makeshift Holodeck, where they practice putting the moves on a virtual Counselor Troi. Set your phasers to stun, Deadspinners, because Weed Against Speed… » 5/29/08 10:00am 5/29/08 10:00am

The Stanley Cup Finals Mule Variations


The NHL Closer is written by five octopi from Melt Your Face Off. When Al Sobotka isn't twirling us over his head, we're served with pickled ginger, green onion and mayonnaise in takoyaki. Raskolnikov emptied his ink sacs to write a recap of last night's action. » 5/27/08 10:00am 5/27/08 10:00am

Ooof, Stars, That'll Leave a Mark

The NHL Closer is written by five checking-line centers from Melt Your Face Off. When we're not receiving praise for our work ethic, we're taking shots to kill the pain from blocking shots. Raskolnikov momentarily stopped playing along the boards to write this recap. » 5/20/08 10:40am 5/20/08 10:40am

Penguins Return Home For Game Five, Get Back In The Habit

The NHL Closer is written by the five pillars of piety from Melt Your Face Off. When not serving the needy, sick, poor and uneducated, they can be found sneaking sips from the Baptismal Font. Weed Against Speed somehow got his hands on the keys to the Popemobile, so let's take this sucker out for a spin. » 5/19/08 10:40am 5/19/08 10:40am

I Am Jack's NHL Closer

The NHL Closer is written by the five Project Mayhem operatives at Melt Your Face-Off. Should Malkin start aiming his wristers at our eye sockets, and one of us doesn't make it out alive, you will henceforth know him as Robert Paulsen. Today, Hextall454 puts down the soap to give you the Keystone recap. » 5/16/08 11:25am 5/16/08 11:25am

A Tale Thirty-Three Years in the Making?

The NHL Closer is written by five epic heroes from Melt Your Face Off. When not slaying the monsters on goalie masks, they constantly polish their swords. Raskolnikov recounts last night's act of valor. » 5/15/08 10:00am 5/15/08 10:00am

Philly Got Rolled Up, Smoked By Pittsburgh

The NHL Closer is written by five hockeyfarians from Melt Your Face Off. When not crafting paraphernalia out of a hockey stick, athletic tape and a puck (yeah, man, a puck!), they can be found hanging out, keeping it mellow and doing their thing. So kick back and relax, because Weed Against Speed has lit the incense,… » 5/14/08 11:10am 5/14/08 11:10am

Here Come The Red Wings ... Duck!

The NHL Closer is written by the Five Horsemen of the Apuckalypse from Melt Your Face Off. When not poring over the Book of Revelation for clues as to how to finally take out Gary Bettman, they can be found discovering new and inventive ways to commit blasphemy, blog-style. Weed Against Speed takes the reins of the… » 5/13/08 11:10am 5/13/08 11:10am

Chris Osgood's Feel-Good Story Comes To A Butt-End

While Mitch Albom was gushing over what a selfless mensch Chris Osgood is on the Sports Reporters this morning for gracefully stepping aside when the Red Wings signed Dominik Hasek, he conveniently ignored the cheap shot Osgood took with the butt-end of his stick to the Stars' Mike Ribeiro at the end of… » 5/11/08 11:00am 5/11/08 11:00am

The Flyers Are Not Fond Of Game 1s

Sure, the Flyers eventually knuckled under to the Penguins' explosive attack after getting up early, but they're clearly just setting up the Pens like they did to the Caps and the Habs. Philly has lost the opener in each of its three series this postseason. The Pens have even gone as far as to crib the Canadiens… » 5/10/08 11:10am 5/10/08 11:10am

Look Out, Mr. Turco

The NHL Closer is written by the five feathered friends at Melt Your Face-Off. When not flying south for the winter and molting, they recap the night in Hockey. Reasonable Doubt, contrary to popular belief, is not a Red Wing. He has not, nor has he ever been, a member of the communist party. He might switch for Emma… » 5/09/08 10:00am 5/09/08 10:00am

The Dallas Marathon

The NHL Closer is written by five immigrants from Mexico that moonlight on Melt Your Face-Off. When not braving the mighty Rio Grande and ducking the Minutemen, we TAKE UR JOBS! » 5/05/08 10:00am 5/05/08 10:00am

Facing Sweeps, Home Cooking Served New York Well. Colorado? Not So Much

The NHL Closer is written by the five aspiring television writers from Melt Your Face Off. When not huffing toner, they can be found desperately trying to get a pilot episode green-lighted for their action adventure series, Puck Force Five - Hockey Bloggers By Day, Crime Fighters/Lady-Killers By Night. » 5/02/08 10:40am 5/02/08 10:40am

Serious Internet Hockey Journalism Starts NOW

The NHL Closer is written by the five hardcore streetfighters at Melt Your Face Off. Their favorite pastimes include kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. And they're all out of bubblegum. » 5/01/08 10:00am 5/01/08 10:00am

A Word To The Wise: Always Be In A Good Position When The Puck Is…

The NHL Closer is written by five amateur sports media analysts over at Melt Your Face Off. When not playing make-believe by pretending that they are participating in a round-table discussion about what is wrong with how sports are now covered while being railroaded by Bob Costas, they mind their business, keep their… » 4/30/08 11:00am 4/30/08 11:00am

You Wouldn't Like The Hatch When He's Angry

The NHL Closer is written by the five Staal brothers of Melt Your Face-Off. I know what you're thinking: aren't there only four Staal brothers? Silly Deadspinner. You're forgetting Tito. » 4/29/08 11:10am 4/29/08 11:10am

Elisha Cuthbert Needs to Get Back Together With Sean Avery — For…

The NHL Closer is written by the five Masters of Their Universe over at Melt Your Face Off. When not trying to fix the damn trap door in their Castle Grayskull, they can be found debating whether Teela or the Sorceress would have been the easier lay. » 4/28/08 11:40am 4/28/08 11:40am