Philly Got Rolled Up, Smoked By Pittsburgh

The NHL Closer is written by five hockeyfarians from Melt Your Face Off. When not crafting paraphernalia out of a hockey stick, athletic tape and a puck (yeah, man, a puck!), they can be found hanging out, keeping it mellow and doing their thing. So kick back and relax, because Weed Against Speed has lit the incense, turned on the black light and put some Floyd on. Far out.

It's nearly impossible not to sound like a broken record here, but the Eastern Conference Finals seem to be going the way of Western Conference, with a convincing 4-1 victory by the smoking hot Pittsburgh Penguins over the dazed and confused Philadelphia Flyers. Both series are now one game away from sweeps. I reckon that could cost the NHL hundreds of dollars in lost ad revenue from all of those missing Versus broadcasts.

Here Come The Red Wings ... Duck!

The NHL Closer is written by the Five Horsemen of the Apuckalypse from Melt Your Face Off. When not poring over the Book of Revelation for clues as to how to finally take out Gary Bettman, they can be found discovering new and inventive ways to commit blasphemy, blog-style. Weed Against Speed takes the reins of the Closer today.

Riding Pavel Datsyuk's first career hat trick, the Red Wings took out the Stars in a 5-2 drubbing at American Airlines Center in Dallas, taking a commanding 3-0 lead in the series. The Red Wings have now won nine straight games in the playoffs.

Happy Belated Mother's Day

The NHL Closer is written by five momma's boys at Melt Your Face Off. We know that our mothers are beautiful women, but LeFawn puts them to shame.

Akim Aliu Smiled. The Flyers inserted fourth-liner and major asshole Steve Downie into the lineup prior to Game 2, hoping that the sparkplug would add some energy and not take too many stupid penalties. He did provide some energy, only it was for the Mellon Arena. Downie's lazy third period clearing attempt led to Max Talbot's second goal of the playoffs and the Penguins defeated the Flyers 4-2.

Chris Osgood's Feel-Good Story Comes To A Butt-End

The Flyers Are Not Fond Of Game 1s

Look Out, Mr. Turco

The NHL Closer is written by the five feathered friends at Melt Your Face-Off. When not flying south for the winter and molting, they recap the night in Hockey. Reasonable Doubt, contrary to popular belief, is not a Red Wing. He has not, nor has he ever been, a member of the communist party. He might switch for Emma Andersson, though.

Johan Holmqvist is on Line 1, Mr. Turco. The Detroit Red Wings dominated the Stars in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, winning 4-1 in a game that was never even close, thanks to Marty Turco blowing goats all night long.

The Dallas Marathon

The NHL Closer is written by five immigrants from Mexico that moonlight on Melt Your Face-Off. When not braving the mighty Rio Grande and ducking the Minutemen, we TAKE UR JOBS!

Happy Cinco De Mayo, Spinners. The second round ended.....eventually. But before we get to the marathon that happened in Dallas and the ass-whipping that happened in Pittsburgh, MYFO sends our congratulations to the Wailers Hockey Club in Montclair, New Jersey for their second championship in the Over 30 Recreational Hockey — oh, who are we kidding. None of you care who these girls are or why they're here. Stare at them. That's all they want out of life anyway. (Photo via Sports By Brooks.)

Facing Sweeps, Home Cooking Served New York Well. Colorado? Not So Much

The NHL Closer is written by the five aspiring television writers from Melt Your Face Off. When not huffing toner, they can be found desperately trying to get a pilot episode green-lighted for their action adventure series, Puck Force Five - Hockey Bloggers By Day, Crime Fighters/Lady-Killers By Night.

Well, hello there. A fine Friday it is, wouldn't you agree? MYFO is here to help you wrap-up your work week - or for those of you that are underemployed, to remind you to bring up all the dirty dishes to Ma (she's been asking you to do so all week) — with a recap from an exciting night of NHL action.

Serious Internet Hockey Journalism Starts NOW

The NHL Closer is written by the five hardcore streetfighters at Melt Your Face Off. Their favorite pastimes include kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. And they're all out of bubblegum.

Buzz Bissinger was right. We are full of shit. All of us. We are rude and crude, mean and cruel. From now on, this little hockey corner of Deadspin will no longer be your home of cocknocker references and busty puck bunnies. Serious Hockey Journalism Only. I was nominated by my compatriots to take on this task because I possess a Journalism Degree (from an accredited university!), with the requisite Professional Training and Responsible Judgment that come with being part of such an elite fraternity. So get ready to eat your sports vegetables, kids.

A Word To The Wise: Always Be In A Good Position When The Puck Is Dropped

The NHL Closer is written by five amateur sports media analysts over at Melt Your Face Off. When not playing make-believe by pretending that they are participating in a round-table discussion about what is wrong with how sports are now covered while being railroaded by Bob Costas, they mind their business, keep their heads down, listen to their elders and do as they are told.

Good day, fans of either playoff hockey or scantily clad women (or both - we don't discriminate), there were three huge games last night so let's get right to it.

You Wouldn't Like The Hatch When He's Angry

The NHL Closer is written by the five Staal brothers of Melt Your Face-Off. I know what you're thinking: aren't there only four Staal brothers? Silly Deadspinner. You're forgetting Tito.

In Philly, We Love to Chant for Best Picture Winners. Up until this season, I can't imagine the Wachovia Center faithful had the name "Marty" on top of their list of supportive unison incantations. Thanks to a certain netminder just over the River in Jersey, any chanting of said name was done in the spirit of mocking (as well as quiet jealousy). However, that Martin has been dispatched from the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs, and the Flyers goalie Marty Biron remains. Much to the chagrin of the Montreal Canadiens.

Elisha Cuthbert Needs to Get Back Together With Sean Avery -- For Everyone's Sake

The NHL Closer is written by the five Masters of Their Universe over at Melt Your Face Off. When not trying to fix the damn trap door in their Castle Grayskull, they can be found debating whether Teela or the Sorceress would have been the easier lay.

March Of The Penguins

Mike, It's Mom. Hey, Didn't You Retire?

The NHL Closer is written by the five big kids over at Melt Your Face-Off. Separated, they are a quintet of meandering hockey bloggers. But combined, they make up the most powerful Blogging Voltron the Interwebs has ever seen. That is, if one of them would just give in and agree to be the fat guy who pilots the Yellow Lion. Stubborn bastards.

1997 was a time when The Worldwide Leader did, in fact, cover hockey. Barry Melrose got to showcase every last one of his tragically pinstriped suits. Darren Pang was on the payroll and could be counted on to fit into the small spaces behind desks should you drop your pen back there. Hell, NHL2Night was a nightly fixture, giving The Deuce something to break up all the thrilling coverage of a group of guys sitting around a table staring at playing cards. And yes, the only rivalry that could overcome Bristol's East Coast Bias was the Detroit Red Wings and the Colorado Avalanche.

Game Sevens Beyond Thunderdome

The NHL Closer is written by the five degenerates over at Melt Your Face Off, who attempt to reconcile their deviant behavior by invoking Sykes & Matza's Neutralization Theory and participating in the recreational pursuits of latch-hooking and bad MS Paint projects.

Thunderdome. Two teams enter, one team leaves. Tina Turner as Aunty Entity, singing "We Don't Need Another Hero" while swinging a hockey stick. Mel Gibson as Mad Max, before all the anti-Semitism, cycling the puck with a bunch of orphans. You've seen it all before.

No Eternal Return For Bruins

The NHL Closer is written by five pretentious, post-punk musicians from Melt Your Face Off. We reach for our revolver when Kristen Bell isn't pictured.

We Can no Longer Trust Logic: Previous to last night, humanity used statistics to predict future events. Versus hammered the comparison between the 2004 and 2008 Boston-Montreal series into our heads for the past week. The higher seed was up 3-1 in the series, then lost Game 5 by a score of 5-1 en route to losing the subsequent two games, and Claude Julien coached both underdogs. Naturally, one would expect Boston to win Game 7, with Tim Thomas shutting out the gutless Habs. Instead, the Canadiens dismantled the plucky Bruins 5-0, winning the series 4-3. In your face, Heinrich Heine! Canadiens fans, beneficiaries of twenty-four Stanley Cups, displayed grace and poise in victory. Rocket Richard would be so proud of them.

We Were Told There Would Be Beer And Pretzels

The NHL Closer is written by five complete psychopaths from Melt Your Face-Off. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If the voices in our head speak to us, do we not answer? If you puts boobs on our closers, do we not click through the jump?

Sunday's games closed out two series and set a crucial Game 7 up for another. For the fans of the teams that had their season end over the weekend, here...have a pretzel. Except for you, Brodeur. You've had plenty already.

Overtime Is Not Ovie Time

The NHL Closer is written by the five sophisticated gentlemen at Melt Your Face Off. When not sampling caviar and fine bordeaux, they enjoy attending monster truck rallies and frog-gigging.

There would be a lot less bitching about NHL refs if Kerry Fraser bore a stronger resemblance to this lass. He does have nice hair, but he needs a LOT of work on his ass. Last night featured the longest game of the playoffs so far, and alas, America's favorite Unfrozen Millionaire Caveman Hockey Player could not finish the job for the Caps. Let's get into it.