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Congratulations, Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings
The NHL Closer is written by five people of European descent at Melt Your Face Off. We're not the first people to blog the Stanley Cup Finals, but Don Cherry still calls us "soft". So, for all you kids out there, Raskolnikov toughened up to recapitulate Detroit's clincher. More »
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By melt your face offComment by Walker Told Me I Have AIDS: @J.J.Gittes: Dude, why'd you have to diss the Pens fans? They were amazing, were you watching the same thing as I... more » | Other threads
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Sykora Calls His Shot
The NHL Closer is written by five insomniacs from Melt Your Face Off. We blame overtime hockey and copious amounts of caffeine for our condition. Raskolnikov downed two cases of Mountain Dew to recapitulate last night's epic thriller. More »
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By melt your face offComment by Turd Ferguson, subscriber to DAB OF OPPO: If you're willing to come and help out with the Liveblog, by all means do it. One of our best... more » | Other threads
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Mellon Arena: The Final Frontier
The NHL Closer is written by the five Star Trek: The Next Generation enthusiasts from Melt Your Face Off. When not attending conventions, they can be found in their makeshift Holodeck, where they practice putting the moves on a virtual Counselor Troi. Set your phasers to stun, Deadspinners, because Weed Against Speed has the Bridge. More »
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By melt your face offComment by The HZA. [member of the zombie nation]: @sharknut: Yes, he was only 21... more » | Other threads
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The Stanley Cup Finals Mule Variations
The NHL Closer is written by five octopi from Melt Your Face Off. When Al Sobotka isn't twirling us over his head, we're served with pickled ginger, green onion and mayonnaise in takoyaki. Raskolnikov emptied his ink sacs to write a recap of last night's action. More »
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By melt your face offComment by The Legend of Vincent Tremblay: OK, I can't shut up. I'm gonna pop if I do. @Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies: I don't think he's ever... more » | Other threads
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Ooof, Stars, That'll Leave a Mark
The NHL Closer is written by five checking-line centers from Melt Your Face Off. When we're not receiving praise for our work ethic, we're taking shots to kill the pain from blocking shots. Raskolnikov momentarily stopped playing along the boards to write this recap. More »
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By melt your face offComment by The Joy of Cesc: I've been without internet for the last 2 weeks trying to find working internet in rural Germany and trying to... more » | Other threads
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Penguins Return Home For Game Five, Get Back In The Habit
The NHL Closer is written by the five pillars of piety from Melt Your Face Off. When not serving the needy, sick, poor and uneducated, they can be found sneaking sips from the Baptismal Font. Weed Against Speed somehow got his hands on the keys to the Popemobile, so let's take this sucker out for a spin. More »
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By melt your face offComment by FriendsLikeJimRome: The Flyers really turn into badasses when someone is on the ice, on their knees and they can see the... more » | Other threads
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I Am Jack's NHL Closer
The NHL Closer is written by the five Project Mayhem operatives at Melt Your Face-Off. Should Malkin start aiming his wristers at our eye sockets, and one of us doesn't make it out alive, you will henceforth know him as Robert Paulsen. Today, Hextall454 puts down the soap to give you the Keystone recap. More »
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By melt your face offComment by Wilf: If we're gonna bust out the FC references like it's 1999, then this was a single-serving win for the Flyers... more » | Other threads
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A Tale Thirty-Three Years in the Making?
The NHL Closer is written by five epic heroes from Melt Your Face Off. When not slaying the monsters on goalie masks, they constantly polish their swords. Raskolnikov recounts last night's act of valor. More »
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By melt your face offComment by The HZA. [member of the zombie nation]: @Fateric2000: In eastern Washington, they have been putting Little Caesars by college campuses. Because that is the ideal demographic. With... more » | Other threads
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Philly Got Rolled Up, Smoked By Pittsburgh
The NHL Closer is written by five hockeyfarians from Melt Your Face Off. When not crafting paraphernalia out of a hockey stick, athletic tape and a puck (yeah, man, a puck!), they can be found hanging out, keeping it mellow and doing their thing. So kick back and relax, because Weed Against Speed has lit the incense, turned on the black light and put some Floyd on. Far out. More »
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By melt your face offComment by Darascon: @The HZA: Damnit I knew he looked familiar. thanks! more » | Other threads
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Here Come The Red Wings ... Duck!
The NHL Closer is written by the Five Horsemen of the Apuckalypse from Melt Your Face Off. When not poring over the Book of Revelation for clues as to how to finally take out Gary Bettman, they can be found discovering new and inventive ways to commit blasphemy, blog-style. Weed Against Speed takes the reins of the Closer today. More »
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By melt your face offComment by SonofSpurrier: @IfindUrlacherfaithdisturbing: It's an overpay...Marty is a good 2nd line guy, he'll never be a 1st liner. Plays like Afinogenov, can... more » | Other threads
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Happy Belated Mother's Day
The NHL Closer is written by five momma's boys at Melt Your Face Off. We know that our mothers are beautiful women, but LeFawn puts them to shame. More »
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By melt your face offComment by the sieve: @JoeyPorterAle: Hmm. In that case, I'ma have to respectfully disagree. I'd hit that nine ways to MILF day. The name might... more » | Other threads
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Comment by FriendsLikeJimRome: Osgood deserves at least a two game suspension. One game for a deliberate attempt to injure and one game... more » | Other threads
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The Flyers Are Not Fond Of Game 1s
Sure, the Flyers eventually knuckled under to the Penguins' explosive attack after getting up early, but they're clearly just setting up the Pens like they did to the Caps and the Habs. Philly has lost the opener in each of its three series this postseason. The Pens have even gone as far as to crib the Canadiens defacing of the Rocky statue. just leave that Barkley statue alone! Oof. It's all so eerily similar. More »
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Comment by Come a little Miroslav Klose You're My Kind of Man: @The Seaward (nee Tocchets Bookie): But if you expand "black" to mean "majority-challenged", I have to think the Former Delta... more » | Other threads
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Look Out, Mr. Turco
The NHL Closer is written by the five feathered friends at Melt Your Face-Off. When not flying south for the winter and molting, they recap the night in Hockey. Reasonable Doubt, contrary to popular belief, is not a Red Wing. He has not, nor has he ever been, a member of the communist party. He might switch for Emma Andersson, though. More »
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By melt your face offComment by The HZA. [member of the zombie nation]: @tomford: As one half of the writers for Cock Knockers Inc., I shall keep this in mind. Any other suggestions? It... more » | Other threads
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The Dallas Marathon
The NHL Closer is written by five immigrants from Mexico that moonlight on Melt Your Face-Off. When not braving the mighty Rio Grande and ducking the Minutemen, we TAKE UR JOBS! More »
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By melt your face offComment by ThatMarkDude: @Mr. Pennsylvania: Who told you they speak "real English" in Philadelphia? more » | Other threads
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Facing Sweeps, Home Cooking Served New York Well. Colorado? Not So Much
The NHL Closer is written by the five aspiring television writers from Melt Your Face Off. When not huffing toner, they can be found desperately trying to get a pilot episode green-lighted for their action adventure series, Puck Force Five - Hockey Bloggers By Day, Crime Fighters/Lady-Killers By Night. More »
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By melt your face offComment by cromartie: @Yostal: Stayed up and enjoyed every minute of it. Because, in the back of my mind, anyway, it's all downhill... more » | Other threads
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Serious Internet Hockey Journalism Starts NOW
The NHL Closer is written by the five hardcore streetfighters at Melt Your Face Off. Their favorite pastimes include kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. And they're all out of bubblegum. More »
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By melt your face offComment by PantsUnknown: That's Lionshead 3, Molson 1. Yuengling's for losers. Also, difficult to spell. more » | Other threads
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A Word To The Wise: Always Be In A Good Position When The Puck Is Dropped
The NHL Closer is written by five amateur sports media analysts over at Melt Your Face Off. When not playing make-believe by pretending that they are participating in a round-table discussion about what is wrong with how sports are now covered while being railroaded by Bob Costas, they mind their business, keep their heads down, listen to their elders and do as they are told. More »
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By melt your face offComment by Walker Told Me I Have AIDS: Now I feel like a total dick for actually wishing a lacerated spleen on Avery several times during the first... more » | Other threads
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You Wouldn't Like The Hatch When He's Angry
The NHL Closer is written by the five Staal brothers of Melt Your Face-Off. I know what you're thinking: aren't there only four Staal brothers? Silly Deadspinner. You're forgetting Tito. More »
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By melt your face offComment by kayceebk: @EggandCheeseonaRoll: Weintraub? more » | Other threads
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Elisha Cuthbert Needs to Get Back Together With Sean Avery — For Everyone's Sake
The NHL Closer is written by the five Masters of Their Universe over at Melt Your Face Off. When not trying to fix the damn trap door in their Castle Grayskull, they can be found debating whether Teela or the Sorceress would have been the easier lay. More »
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By melt your face offComment by Wyshynski: @kayceebk: If we had Scott Stevens, we would have played the Senators or Bruins in the first round and all... more » | Other threads
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March Of The Penguins
Perhaps next time Jaromir Jagr should Czech his trash talking at the door (PUNTASTIC BURN!!!!) as the not quite Mario Lemieux-level Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin helped to erase a 3-0 Rangers lead to give the Pens a 1-0 series advantage. Jagr had a chance to tie in the waning moments, but clanged it off the goal post. Fellow former Pen Martin Straka got the scoring started, followed a slightly high deflection by Chris Drury and not at all detestable Sean Avery. Straka drew a critical interference call late in the 3rd period that set up the winning goal off Malkin's shin. More »
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Comment by Chief Wahoo: @RedDear: You think pro wrestling is real, too, don't you? more » | Other threads
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Mike, It's Mom. Hey, Didn't You Retire?
The NHL Closer is written by the five big kids over at Melt Your Face-Off. Separated, they are a quintet of meandering hockey bloggers. But combined, they make up the most powerful Blogging Voltron the Interwebs has ever seen. That is, if one of them would just give in and agree to be the fat guy who pilots the Yellow Lion. Stubborn bastards. More »
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By melt your face offComment by RachelRayIsTheDevil: @cromartie: Where do I sign up? @FirstDerivative: or fantawful, just squint your eyes so you can only see the boxing. more » | Other threads
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Game Sevens Beyond Thunderdome
The NHL Closer is written by the five degenerates over at Melt Your Face Off, who attempt to reconcile their deviant behavior by invoking Sykes & Matza's Neutralization Theory and participating in the recreational pursuits of latch-hooking and bad MS Paint projects. More »
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By melt your face offComment by Ausoleil: @ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos: "Sami is still alive? I miss those 15-goal seasons here in Carolina." Far be it from me to yell "Shoot, Sami!... more » | Other threads
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No Eternal Return For Bruins
The NHL Closer is written by five pretentious, post-punk musicians from Melt Your Face Off. We reach for our revolver when Kristen Bell isn't pictured. More »
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By melt your face offComment by The HZA. [member of the zombie nation]: Question dudes: Is Kristen Bell less attractive because she is a Detroit fan? Or is it non-issue? more » | Other threads
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We Were Told There Would Be Beer And Pretzels
The NHL Closer is written by five complete psychopaths from Melt Your Face-Off. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If the voices in our head speak to us, do we not answer? If you puts boobs on our closers, do we not click through the jump? More »
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By melt your face offComment by The Joy of Cesc: @Secret Identity: In 1998, the Red Wings didn't have Mike Vernon or Vladimir Konstantinov. In 2000, the Stars endured... more » | Other threads
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Overtime Is Not Ovie Time
The NHL Closer is written by the five sophisticated gentlemen at Melt Your Face Off. When not sampling caviar and fine bordeaux, they enjoy attending monster truck rallies and frog-gigging. More »
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By melt your face offComment by The HZA. [member of the zombie nation]: @IfindUrlacherfaithdisturbing: On Entertainment Weekly's cover she looks super foxy. My dude friend's fought over it. more » | Other threads
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Murray Season, Fire!
The NHL Closer is written by the five horny gentlemen from Melt Your Face Off. We accept tips in the form of Krispy Kremes, Pappy Van Winkle whiskey and whatever powder comes off Lindsay Lohan's C-notes. More »
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By melt your face offComment by Smashville: I have the "Buy Sam a drink...and get his dog one, too" shirt... penguinsvault.com I'm such a shill... more » | Other threads
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The Ducks Aren't Licked Yet
The NHL Closer is written by the five delightful gentlemen from Melt Your Face Off. When not writing for MYFO and commenting on Deadspin, the fellas enjoy spending time listening to songs that are a trip with a funky beat that they can bug out to. Enjoy. More »
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By melt your face offComment by kayceebk: @Hextall454: Ow! My Intestines! /Hoping for Mikey Rupp to Lindros Mr. Avery more » | Other threads
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By melt your face offComment by Patchy Drizzle: @Colin White Devil: +1 . . . I've heard, in lieu of whirlpools, the Wild have tanning beds in their... more » | Other threads
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Introducing Your New, Healthier NHL Closer
Greetings. Weed Against Speed here. With Wyshynski gone to The Exclamation Point, my fellow editors and I at Melt Your Face Off are proud to take the reins of the NHL Closer for the rest of the Playoffs. Don't worry. There will still be hot chicks in little clothing. More »
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By melt your face offComment by HernandezStache: John Madden on Avery's "faceguarding" "Here we are trying to sell the game, and stuff like that is going on," John-You wouldn't... more » | Other threads
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That's One Sad Duck
The defending champion's from Anaheim are in some trouble after suffering a second home loss to open their series with the Dallas. A 5-2 victory puts the Stars in control of the first round series as the teams head to Dallas for the next contest. Things were tied up heading into the third period when Mike Modano and Brad Richards found the back of the net within a minute of one another. More »
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By KOGODComment by SonofSpurrier: I need more hot chicks in my NHL Closure. more » | Other threads
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When Your Fans Blow ... Up Their Cups
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer. More » -
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Two Cheers, One Boo for the Elderly
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer. More » -
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Gleefully Crushing Playoff Dreams
Since tedious analysis is the stuff of "power rankings," each Monday NHL Closer writer Greg Wyshynski uses a form of universal expression: Success in terms of beer. Before we get to the hockey equivalent of a girly slap-fight, welcome to The Brewmeister Ratings... More »
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By wyshynskiComment by Wilf: I don't know how Spector can go through the best UFA signings without mentioning Petr Sykora, who put up nearly... more » | Other threads
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The Golfing In Vancouver Is Lovely
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer. More »
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By wyshynskiComment by SonofSpurrier: Here's hoping the NHL refs don't job the canes in order to get the caps in the playoffs. more » | Other threads
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Can You Smell The Sidney/Ovie In The Air?
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer. More »
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By wyshynskiComment by blackaces: @kayceebk: Right, AND I think the Pens actually got an extra home game back in 2000 because DC's Verizon center... more » | Other threads
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The Playoffs Will Bend Your Wookie
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer. More »
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By wyshynskiComment by dirty foreigner: @Secret Identity: and Tukka Rask is walking out (thanks again Ferguson) more » | Other threads
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People Who Aren't Allowed To Touch Stanley This Year
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer. More »
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By wyshynskiComment by dirty foreigner: The fans in that video go crazy!!!! more » | Other threads
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Heroes, Villains And Hockey Hookers
Since tedious analysis is the stuff of "power rankings," each Monday NHL Closer writer Greg Wyshynski uses a form of universal expression: Success in terms of beer. Before we get to hookers clearing Sean Avery's good name, welcome to The Brewmeister Ratings... More »
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By wyshynskiComment by dirty foreigner: @kayceebk: Did if follow George Best to a bar too? too soon? And I believe you're talking about the movie that tracked... more » | Other threads
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The Rangers Are The No. 1 Cause Of Depression
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer. More »
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By wyshynskiComment by BustingChops: @BarbarobicsInstructor: "Although nothing came of it, I'm not ashamed to admit that I got a chubby watching Crosby, Hossa and... more » | Other threads
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Sat Jul 11
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