How long we toiled—suffered! toiled and suffered!—how bitterly we toiled and suffered—and died!—under the pitiless yoke of plain peanut butter, cruelest and least forgiving of all the spreads. How fervently we yearned for chocolatey deliverance. We took to the rooftops of our humble mud-homes, blind with grief and thwarted snack-hope, to shake our dismal peanut-butter-slathered crackers at the yawning, empty night sky in heartbroken accusation, and cry out: "How long, Adonai? How loooooong?"
Oh—we didn't? Never did any of that? Huh. Never, you say. Never ever ever. Are you sure? Scroll back through your Twitter feed to make sure. No peanut butter yoke? No toiling? Not even any yearning? Look around—it doesn't even have to have been fervent yearning, just regular old yearning. No? None? Huh. That is weird, because lately the peanut butter and jelly aisle of your local supermarket is looking awfully chocolatey.