Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Dallas CowboysDrew Magary9/04/14 4:47pmFiled to: Why your team sucks 2014why your team sucksappicwytsnflballs deepdallas cowboys16919EditPromoteShare to KinjaToggle Conversation toolsGo to permalinkSome people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. AdvertisementYour team: Dallas Cowboys. Your 2013 record: 8-8. I forgot they blew a 26-3 halftime lead against Green Bay and lost. At this point, all of the chokes have blended together. It's a blur, really.AdvertisementYour coach: Hmm. Yes. Indeed…Boy, that sums up everything, doesn't it? Look at Princeton Boy sitting there, just waiting to have a shoebox filled with oily diarrhea handed to him. You could replace Jason Garrett will literally anyone, and nothing about the Cowboys would be different. You could replace him with Chip Kelly. You could replace him with a Dustbuster. It doesn't matter. No matter who you are, you don't get a war room phone. You sit on your hands and you smile like a fool.Your quarterback: Tony Romo. This is where I remind you that Jerry Jones gifted $55 million to Romo before last season, and now Romo's back is completely shot. We can go ahead and say it now: You have seen the best of Tony Romo. All that choking at the end of the regular season in years past? That was the good stuff. He's not gonna stay healthy long enough to even tease your cock this season. It's all over. And I think he came to peace with that fact a very long time ago. SponsoredThankfully, the Cowboys have the deluxe security blanket of BRANDON WEEDEN ready when Romo's entire lower body is paralyzed. God, they really brought in Weeden. Imagine going out on cruise ship, and the cruise ship's emergency dinghy consists of two Mountain Dew bottles lashed together. That's Brandon Weeden.What's new that sucks: There's just so much, I don't even know where to begin! Let's see… Oh, I know! Okay, they lost DeMarcus Ware, who was their best defensive lineman despite having a leg amputated. They demoted Monte Kiffin one year after hiring him to study tape of old Father Dowling Mysteries episodes with the defense. Their shitty nickelback got busted staring at glowsticks with Wes Welker. The third worst defense IN LEAGUE HISTORY somehow got worse. The owner tried to draft Johnny Manziel before his son ripped the draft card away from him. They got caught wining and dining the league's head of officials and no one in the NFL seems to care because Dallas would lose even WITH crooked refereeing. The owner apparently doesn't know how to receive a blowjob. He was also the victim of attempted blackmail after being photographed with a bunch of prostitutes, and everyone kind of shrugged and said "yep, that's Jerry." He also tampered with Adrian Peterson IN FRONT OF A GODDAMN REPORTER.