Some people are fans of the Los Angeles Rams. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Los Angeles Rams. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here.

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Your team: Saint Lou… OOP DEE!

Yes, the Rams fled St. Louis this offseason and headed west to reclaim their title as Lamest Pro Sports Team In Los Angeles. Feels great! It was the first NFL franchise relocation since the Oilers left Houston back in 1997. And it was all thanks to Stan Kroenke, a man who is deathly afraid of pooping with other people nearby…

Kroenke’s flight from St. Louis—a city that is STILL paying off its stadium debt from the Rams moving in two decades ago—represents the apex of the NFL’s virulent desire to suck the lifeblood out of everything and everyone around it. Citizens of Los Angeles, Stan Kroenke gives roughly as many fucks about you as the city he just trashed on his way out the door. He’s already tried to screw over his own players by keeping Missouri labor law language in their contracts (I guess he liked SOME things about the state). And he will use that new stadium (located in the shithole that is Inglewood) as a cudgel to snatch up other properties, demand further tax rebates, and force any second L.A. football team to live under his boot. Right now, there is no NFL owner—not even Dan Snyder—who deserves failure more than this squirrel pelt of a man. Thankfully, the team he happens to own is perpetually capable of making all his worst nightmares come true.

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Your 2015 record: 7-9.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes you are. You’re Jeff Fisher. Your whole life is 7-9, amigo. When Jeff Fisher is your coach, the only excitement you get is when the team decides to set its own goddamn field on fire.

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Your coach: Still Jeff Fisher, who has been losing long enough and consistently enough to have presided over TWO relocated NFL teams. Jeff Fisher is Hell’s interim coach. Alongside defensive coordinator and Steven Seagal movie villain Gregg Williams, Fisher presides over what is arguably the most widely disliked team in football. Take it from Marty B:

Everything about this team is dirty. They nearly decapitated Teddy Bridgewater last season. Their idiot concrete stadium ring obliterated Reggie Bush’s leg. Their punter laid a cheap shot of his own. They held a phony military reunion for some asshole from the Busch family. They don’t even treat their OWN players well. Right, Case Keenum?

You gotta work real hard to make the rest of the NFL say, “Oh wow, that’s pretty reckless.” They even let Wes Welker back onto an NFL field. The KGB had more compassion for its own.

Your quarterback: Jared Goff, for the price of two first rounders, two second rounders, and two third rounders. All for this guy…

Somehow that’s even worse than getting picked off five times against Utah. Every quarterback in football looks like an 80s movie villain but Jared Goff looks like the MOST 80s movie villain. I can already picture him cramping out of a diving meet just to teach that little runt Jason Melon a lesson he’ll never forget. Goff represents your standard off-year No. 1 pick at QB, à la Alex Smith, Tim Couch, and such and such. He’s gonna suck very, very hard, and sell lots and lots of Pantene in the process:

The Rams plan on sitting Goff for at least a year, but you and I know that isn’t gonna happen. Keenum, still the presumed starter, will have his head ripped off and used as a basketball, and then Goff will be forced out onto the Coliseum turf and have his chest caved in. The Rams will not notice any of this. I’m excited!

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What’s new that sucks: Well, Stedman Bailey got shot. Oh, and defensive end William “Carl Everett II” Hayes doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.

“I don’t believe dinosaurs existed,” Hayes said last month. “Not even a little bit. With these bones, it’s crazy because man has never seen a dinosaur, we can agree on that, right? But we know exactly how to put these bones together? I believe there is more of a chance you will find a mermaid than you will a dinosaur because we find different species in the water all the time.”

See now, this man belongs back in Missouri. That’s his spiritual home.

Also, Tre Mason went missing and the team gave exactly zero fucks because he wasn’t Todd Gurley. I feel like I’m sensing a pattern as to how the Rams do business.

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What has always sucked: There’s still no one to throw to. Tavon Austin is good for one neat reverse every three weeks. Kenny Britt is a strip club fight waiting to happen. Lance Kendricks can go die. This is a team that massively upgraded its pass protection from a couple years ago but has little offensive firepower to show for it. This entire offense is Gurley or nothing, and it’ll be that way for the next five years.

Frankly, L.A. deserves to have the most anonymous NFL team this side of the Titans come limping into town. For two decades now, L.A. has stuck its leg out and tried to entice the NFL at the expense of nearly a dozen other cities. St. Louis got fucked because of L.A. San Diego is in the process of being fucked by L.A. Minnesota spent a billion dollars it didn’t have because of the threat of L.A. Like the Rams, L.A. has gleefully shit on every last dinner plate during this relocation process. And now they’re stuck with the worst possible franchise as a result. The Rams were an afterthought during their time in Anaheim. I bet your average L.A. resident is more excited for the eighth installment of the Divergent series than watching this funeral procession of a team.

What might not suck: Gurley is fantastic but Fisher will give him 500 carries a season and cut his career short by at least eight years.

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Let’s remember some Rams:

  • Cleveland Gary
  • Todd Lyght
  • Adam Timmerman
  • Darryl Henley
  • Keith Null

Hear it from Rams fans!

Keith:

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That piss-dribbling, mink coat-wearing harpy stole my beloved Rams back when I was in high school and consummated her deal with Satan in Saint Louie of all places. Didn’t Kurt Warner’s SuperChristianVision allow him to see that she was aligned with the devil?

I’m never ever supporting that gang of shitbags again, no way bub. Uh uh. Do I look that desperate and gullible? LA has too much going on to need football; those 12-hour Sunday Bud Lime-a-Rita benders are for the unwashed gimps in Cleveland and Buttalo. I’m better than that...

Just bought tickets for the home opener. I hate myself. Fuck that Ginger Hammer and his crackbag of violence.

Also, fuck Pat Hayden with a rolled-up SC diploma encrusted with scabies.

Lucas:

I don’t know why I’m still a fucking Rams fan. I’m from Michigan and have lived here all my life. I think I won a bet on them in the Super Bowl and decided to latch on.

Our greatest QB, Kurt Warner, has been gone for 13 years. And since then, this team has been worse than the fucking Lions.

I’ll be thinking “Oh, cool, I think they can do some damage and finish 9-7,” once again, only to see 3 horrible losses (like losing to Jim “Home Depot Construction Department Head” Tomsula on the final weekend) and limp to 6-10, with Toupee Man laughing all the way to the bank.

I’ll just bandwagon another team that wins the Bowl and then sucks balls the next two decades afterwards.

Luke:

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Days after the relocation became official I got invited over to my parents’ place to talk and hangout and whatnot. The elephant in the room eventually came out. “What team are you rooting for now?”. I said I’m still a Rams fan, but I’m still bitter about the move (I still am, just not as much). My Pseudo Stepdad then gives me his Brady Quinn Chiefs jersey (one of his favorite players ever is Brady Quinn. I don’t get it either) and says “I know you’re still a Rams fan, but the Chiefs are playing the Pats this weekend and it would be cool if you would come out and root with us”. One thing started leading to another to the point where they were suggesting that rooting for another team wouldn’t be so bad “even if it isn’t the Chiefs”. My family gave me an intervention to stop being a Rams fan.

Kroenke’s an asshole. If I was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Kroenke and I could shoot two of them I’d kick Kroenke in the balls, piss on his face, and then shoot him twice.

He lied about not moving the team, he shit talked the entire city, and insulted cracker thin crust pizza (I will fucking fight anyone who shit talks cracker thin crust pizza) all while still saying he loves the place. Kroenke still hasn’t fired Snead or Jeff “The Ass Kisser” Fisher yet probably because he gets off on making the fans miserable (which is probably why he moved in the first place). There are rumors right now that Kroenke is going to help fund a stadium in St Louis to get an MLS team, but IF he actually does it, he’s only doing that to get the city in even more debt when they don’t land one. Can’t wait to root for the Las Vegas Rams in 2034 when he convinces the NFL to turn the Rams into a betting sideshow to see who can kill themselves first: the tlayers for being forced to play for this abomination of a franchise, or the small remaining fans left that still support them (me included if I don’t die of alcohol poisoning or a stroke by then).

Also I live in Kansas City now so I could easily just root for the Chiefs, but I enjoy being let down and fucked over.

Mike:

I’ve lived in L.A. for 6 years, and since there are no such thing as real “LA Rams fans” — don’t buy into the astroturfed “marches” staged last year — I’m anointing myself a Rams fan.

Los Angeles is the worst sports town in America. (Let’s say that twice for SEO purposes: L.A. is the worst sports town in America.) The Los Angeles area is massive population center, yet you can’t find an intelligent sports opinion for miles.

One of the dumbest principles constantly parroted by L.A. sports talk radio hosts is that the people of Los Angeles “demand winners.” “Jerry Buss set a championship standard!” That’s bullshit pandering code for “terrible bandwagon fans.” L.A.’s frontrunner reputation is totally real, and that’s why the Rams will be a disaster until they’re on the brink of a Super Bowl. Until then, after the hoopla of a new team dies down, everyone will forget the Rams exist, and transplants will settle back into their Sunday Ticket packages.

You can see the Rams are already desperate. They traded the world to pick a mediocre quarterback first overall. But that rookie QB will be sitting behind Case Keenum. Todd Gurley will be totally ruined carrying the ball 50 times a game. When that doesn’t work out, expect them to sign a washed-up star — a la Wayne Gretzky — to cajole some attention for their new stadium. (I’m honestly stunned the Rams didn’t make an absurd offer to Peyton Manning.) Oh and Jeff Fisher still has a job. Did you know that he made the Super Bowl in 2000?

A few more reasons why the Rams will suck:

- 60% of L.A. households with cable haven’t seen a Dodger game in years. And nobody cares.

- There are like 7 sports bars in L.A., and one of them is owned by Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse. (E and Turtle really hang out there!)

- It’s the first pro football team here in 20+ years, and they are already centering their marketing on opposing players. There’s a billboard near LAX featuring Cam Newton. (Note: He plays for a different team.)

- And finally, asshole transplants like me who bitch and moan that more people don’t like to sit in dark bars and watch sports while everyone else enjoys things like the outdoors and a healthy diet.

Kyle:

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I genuinely feel bad for Jared Goff because being paired with Fisher as a QB is an NFL death sentence for developing talent, and being paired with Robinson as your left tackle is a death sentence proper.

Spenser:

I just took this picture this morning at my apartment complex.

Welsley:

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Whenever I get into a football discussion with people they inevitably ask me what team I support. I always say “I’d rather not say.” They prod me some more, to which I respond, head hung down, “the Rams.” The usual response is “THE FUCKING RAMS, WHY???” or “Shit man, I’m sorry. Good on you for sticking it out though.”

So yeah. At least we have Gurley! He’s fun to watch. We can run him into the ground for the next 10 years a la Steven Jackson all the while probably winning 30 games. Speaking of winning, so much is made about Jeff Fisher’s ability to go 8-8 but that cocksucker hasn’t even done that yet. I’ll bet you my life savings our record will be 7-9. There’s nothing like starting at .500 and ending at .500. Makes you wonder why you even watch in the first place.

Fuck Stan Kroenke.

Chad:

I was a season ticket holder to the St. Louis Rams, my son met Sam Bradford a day after he was drafted, and I spent most of my childhood growing up rooting for them. At any rate, they left us like a sack of shit and with nothing to root for after we begged them to stay and gave them everything they wanted… And you know what? I’m glad, so I can pick a new team. THAT’S HOW MUCH THEY SUCK.

Dustin:

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I love being a Rams fan. Where else can you show such optimism year after year for a team who hasn’t had a winning team since the 2003 season? Every team in the fucking NFC has been to the playoffs at least TWICE since the Rams last appearance. Marc Bulger, Chris Chandler, Jamie Martin, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Gus Frerotte, Brock Berlin, Trent Green, Kyle Boller, Keith Null, AJ Feeley, Kellen Clemens, Austin Davis, Shaun Hill, Nick Foles, and Case Keenum round up the stinkhole that’s been the Rams QB situation since 2004 (the beginning of the losing streak). Fuck them. Fuck the Rams.

Brian:

In Kroenke’s carpet bombing letter to the NFL regarding the viability of Saint Louis as an NFL market he stated that his investments in the team led to “a 52 percent improvement in winning percentage over the five years before Stan Kroenke became the controlling owner”

The Rams were 20-60 in the 5 years before the hair piece took over. His football acumen led to the dramatic improvement to 36-59-1 in the 6 seasons since. Fuck him, fuck his lackey Demoff and fuck everyone who called out STL fans for poorly attended games. From 2007-2011 the Rams went 15-65, that’s the worst 5-year stretch in NFL history. Have fun paying for that shit, LA.

Max:

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Have fun, L.A. They’re all yours.

Daniel:

Seeing them in the Coliseum for a few years will be fun. Fun like seeing a Formula One race on rutted mule tracks. Every live sporting event is faced with the problem that watching on big-screen hi-def TV is a better experience. At the Coliseum, you have a situation where the seats are so far from the field it was better to watch on TV at home in the 1980s, on a 12-inch low-def screen. Seeing a football game at the Coliseum is like camping in rotting concrete ruins located in the vicinity of a football game. It is sort of charming to watch a game in the equivalent of Stonehenge, but only at night and if you go there at night you might get stabbed.

Then they’re spending $2 billion dollars on a stadium that’s like 2 miles away from LAX. Driving to LAX is awful. You have to take eight different freeways. All of these except the 110 (which is only three blocks long and doesn’t go anywhere) were built in the 18th Century when nobody lived in LA. None of them have been maintained at any point since the Eisenhower administration.

To people living outside of SoCal this may sound like an exaggeration but it’s not. It will be quicker for people in Orange County, the Valley, or the Inland Empire to drive to a better airport, fly to Oakland or Phoenix, rent a car, and go to a game. For many it will still be quicker to drive to San Diego. I cannot imagine any set of circumstances under which I would voluntarily pay any of my own money to go to a Rams game at fucking LAX.

I can only assume from the placement of the stadium that either no natives were consulted, or more likely, only very rich people. After the first few years, the stadium will be empty if the team is bad. I predict the Rams will be begging for a new stadium or threatening to move in 8-12 years.

Finally, I know the NFL thinks it’s the center of the universe, but they underestimate how far out of the public consciousness they’ve fallen. I’ve had more conversations about soccer than the NFL. In most towns the sporting hierarchy is NFL>MLB>NBA in some order. The Rams will be a distant fourth to the Lakers, Trojans, and Dodgers. I wonder if they can cope.

Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Detroit Lions.