Would You Eat This? I Would Eat This

I don’t remember how, but we stumbled upon this recipe earlier in the week: a “Pepperoni Pizza Football Cheese Ball,” made by our new buddy Trish at Mom on Timeout. There were those on staff who were grossed out by what appears to be a neutron star of meaty cheesy gluttony. I disagree. Actually, the food ball looks good.

What’d you put in this cheese ball, Trish?

What’d I put in this cheese ball you ask? Love. Love and lots of cream cheese, mozzarella cheese, Parmesan cheese, green onions, pimientos, bacon bits, Italian seasoning, green onion, and, of course, pepperoni.

Jesus Christ. I don’t know if I want to eat it, fuck it, or live inside it, like my own tiny treif tauntaun.

I’m not a fan of stunt food, which exists solely to garner the attention of the press and takes the form of implausible monstrosities like a milkshake with a three-hour line, or a four-pound burger sold at a minor league ballpark. These things aren’t meant to be eaten; they’re there to be Instagrammed.

Trish doesn’t do it for the attention. She does it because she knows that sometimes, all you really want to do is to gorge. And you want the salts and lipids and, like, four days’ worth of calories all packed into a football-looking thing. And there’s really no better place (there’s not really any other acceptable place) to do it than at a Super Bowl party. Trish has got you covered.

Cranberry almond cheese ball? Hell yeah.

A football field cake? OH HELL YEAH.

A few years back, I made a Bacon Explosion for a Super Bowl party. I don’t think I’ve fully passed it yet, but there’s nothing quite like a gross, delicious foodpile to announce that you are an enjoyer of fine things, and win your Super Bowl party. Because it is a competition. I won.

I think I wrote this blog because I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. Lemme go do that, but what are you planning to make for your Super Bowl party?