1st Round, Seventeenth Overall: Lions Select Gosder Cherilus

The Lions made a pick. Stop snickering. And he's a pretty good player. Stop it! Nothing is funny! He could help the team improve. Last warning, damn it! Okay, everything the Lions do is funny. Most coaches invoke omerta when talking about their pre-draft needs. Rod Marinelli shows up at his press conference babbling like a sorority sister on sodium pentothal, reading off his draft board like it's a grocery list. Funny. At one point, he said that he's building for "five to ten years down the road." Talk about an endless highway. Don't pressure the guy for results until 2018, all right? Funny.

And then there's Matt Millen, incompetent and ever-defensive about it, a Bill Parcells wannabe who has the tough-guy demeanor down pat but thinks that's the entire package. Hysterical. He changes offensive coordinators twice a year like smoke alarm batteries, then talks about the importance of continuity. He adheres to a Horatio Alger-meets-Jiminy Cricket philosophy: the Lions will win if they just get tougher, try harder, and believe. No talent or player development needed, which is good, because he isn't providing much. Ironically, awkwardly hilarious. And now they've finally picked after dealing down, reaching for a pretty good Boston College tackle to replace the pretty good Boston College tackle (Damien Woody) who left via free agency. Cherilus isn't bad: like most BC linemen, he's tough and dedicated and has pretty good pass blocking technique. But he had a hard time moving from right to left tackle in college, so it's hard to project him sliding over in the pros. And the Lions have too many needs to take a right tackle this high. And Jeff Otah, a better overall prospect, is on the board. And so on. But please, no "Lions think he's a wideout" jokes, or variations thereof. They are too lazy, too easy, too 2007. This is Deadspin, and we aspire to a higher level of sports satire. Penis.