Here’s Miami Marlins first base coach Perry Hill, wearing a soggy leaf of lettuce under his batting helmet to stay cool during yesterday’s sweltering afternoon game against the Atlanta Braves:

The roughage yarmulke is a thing, believe it or not: On a very hot day, you can cram a big leaf of lettuce or cabbage under your hat and it keeps your head cool, at least until the warmth of your scalp cooks the leaf, and then presumably you have a very small serving of stewed greens to snack on, for vitamin A and dietary fiber. This is advanced hobo shit; Jim Tomsula is walking around in an entire collard-green zoot suit right now.

Many do not know this, but if you cannot get any fresh salad greens for this purpose, pretty much any other cold lunch will do the trick. I for one am wearing a pint of tuna salad under my stovepipe hat as I type this blog. Later, when the sun dips below the treeline, I, cool and not sweaty thanks to my strategic lunch application, will dine upon the tuna salad, and then cleanse my palate with the Greek yogurt parfait in my socks.

I’m done with this blog.