Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

A Coach Live Blog Just Because

Illustration for article titled A Coach Live Blog Just Because

Did you know that you can stream Coach on Netflix right now? It's true. So guess what? I'm going to do it and live blog a couple eps because, why the hell not, right? We can have this shared experience of having watched Coach on Netflix and it will be preserved for time immemorial. Get excited!


Netflix series summary:

As a college football coach, Hayden Fox tries to balance his professional goals and hunger for gridiron glory with his personal relations.

Season 1, Episode 1 "Kelly and the Professor"

12:53 I am now watching Coach. It's filmed before a live studio audience I'm told.

12:56 Theme song.

1:00 a.m.: Hayden—that's Craig T. Nelson—just found out his daughter is dating a professor. Still not sure what this episode is going to be about.


1:03 a.m: My bad. Hayden is upset that his daughter is dating a professor. Shoulda seen that one coming.

1:05 a.m.: Dauber makes his first appearance. I was expecting a Kramer-like entrance but he just scared Hayden near a window in his house. Presumably because he can't tell the difference between windows and doors.


1:05 a.m.: First gem: the professor's name is John Sterling.

1:06 a.m. In researching this project, I learned that Bill Fagerbakke—Dauber—is the voice of Patrick Starr. And he was also in The Artist.


1:08 a.m.: Jerry Van Dyke is also in the shower, also filling the role of idiot comic relief. There are a lot of fat jokes. Sorry, back to the action, Hayden confronts John Sterling and makes him break his date with his daughter. He threatened him and then also told Sterling to lie about the reasons. Kelly might get upset. She might lose trust.

1:11 a.m.: Coach Fox is a coach in Minnesota so he lives as most Minnesotans do: in a log cabin.


1:12 a.m.: curveball! Fox and Kelly have dinner plans for the night after the date with the professor that was supposed to be cancelled. Turns out it wasn't! (Or was it?) And Coach is upset, but can't let her know!

1:16 a.m.: Still having a heart-to-heart in the professor's office. "I think we need to admit we don't know each other well." Ugh. Fox is still wearing his apron from dinner, also.


1:17 a.m.: They make up rather quickly, and pledge to get some we time together. "Do you like cold turkey [whispers] Let's go have some."

That's how the episode ends.

1:20 a.m.: OK, that was fun. Let's keep going.

Season 1, Episode 2: "Love Me Tender."

Still filmed before a live studio audience.

Another cold open. Coach is being interviewed.

1:21 a.m.: Ms. Armstrong is interviewing Coach. Dauber humorously interrupts. He is getting more and more Kramerian. Everyone leaves the office except the reporter and then whoa! Makeout city. Does not seem professional.


1:23 a.m.: Luther and Dauber are the id of the Minnesotta State program. Coach is the coach.

1:26 a.m.: Coach has another daughter. It must really chap his ass not to have a boy. What with that not knowin' how girls do stuff and stuff—ohp, he called his other daughter and I think his ex picked up.


1:28 a.m.: Did I watch these out of order or something? I don't know what's going on here.

1:32 a.m.: OK, I did not watch out of order, but we are getting the Kelly origin story in episode 2 after Kelly already dated John Sterling the professor in Episode one. Coach is currently enrolling her in school. She's just arrived from Ohio. Who's running this operation? Luther probably.


1:33 a.m.: Coach is doing some impromptu recruiting while he waits for the morally loose reporter. Gay jokes abound as Fox is super excited by the young man's physique and athletic prowess.

1:36 a.m.: Coach is getting existential as fuck. "Time scares me." What the fuck, guys? Was it really so bad in 1989 that we have to have our football-themed sitcoms tackle [beat] the tough issues like this?


1:38 a.m.: Morally loose reporter lady just said Craig T. Nelson was sexy, in a really throaty voice. Off-putting. Ugh. "I want you." 1989, man. 1989.

1:41 a.m.: Man, Luther is borderline-without-a-brain.

1:44 a.m.: two episodes, two hug-endings. He's a family man.

On to episode 3!

1:45a.m.: Season 1, Episode 3: Kelly, Meet Christine

1:46 a.m.: Cold open, live audience. Dauber has no hair.

1:47 a.m.: "When it comes to respect, no one has more than Luther." [Luther gets pants.] Ice skates and a duck are shown in the credits. Why? Minnesota?


1:50 a.m.: Christine (Morally Loose Reporter Lady) is rocking a sweet trench coat. Shoulder pads up to her ear lobes. We should put her behind center, amirite!

1:51 a.m.: The misunderstanding and the forgotten appointment—this time Coach makes dinner plans with his new lady friend on the same day he had plans with his new daughter. Coach is exhausting the sitcom tropes fairly early on. Maybe they've got some trick-plays in the old comedy-writing playbook. The show did go on for NINE seasons.


1:55 a.m.: Coach wears an apron that is essentially a dish towel tucked into the front of his pants covering his crotch. I prefer the dish towel over the shoulder. Easy to use, doesn't get in the way and I don't usually spill stuff on my crotch anyway.

1:56 a.m.: Non-marital sleepovers! Newly reacquainted family members! Awkward!

1:57 a.m.: I dunno, guys. This Christine character seems pretty high maintenance. Always nag-nag-nagging Coach. Never letting him sex her. Always demanding respect. Responding poorling to things like "Before I die, baby, let's go to bed."


1:59 a.m.: What's with all this honesty stuff, baby?! Lay off, wouldja? I'm a football coach not a feelings machine.

2:02 a.m.: Refresher:

As a college football coach, Hayden Fox tries to balance his professional goals and hunger for gridiron glory with his personal relations.


Pretty well nailed that one on the head.

2:03 a.m.: Lots of rock music playing in the dorm. I am sold that it is a dorm.

2:05 a.m.: Daughter Kelly just wants to be able to bang guys with impunity.

2:06 a.m.: This is a hug. I am counting it as a hug and that is 3 for 3 ending the episodes with hugs. Crap, thought that was the final scene.


2:08 a.m.: If coach gets to do the nasty, I will count that as a hug. Hopefully he does that sitcom-y running after the woman towards the bedroom thing.

2:10 a.m.: Bummer. He turned the tables on her. No hug. No sexy times running. But we learn Christine is not only sexually progressive, given to making out in Coach's office, but she is also a liar. It will be interesting to see how this plays out in episodes to come.


That's enough for tonight, we'll try it again next week.