Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Tech N9ne Concert Fight Billings MT 5-21-12," which "LatinaJuggalette" was kind enough to share. Tonight's commentator: Rodney Anonymous, satiricapunk-rockin' front man of The Dead Milkmen.
First, many thanks for turning me on to what must truly be the Citizen Kane of White Trash Punch-Out Videos. This footage has just about everything: Copious supply of wife-beater T-Shirts? Check. Vaguely Juggalo-esgue dude with crooked Mohawk? Check. Future Employee-of-the-Month bravely protecting the pretzel display from possible damage? Check. The sole Black guy in Billings, Montana? Check.
In fact, the only way this clip could possibly be better is if it were to include a montage, set to the music of Night Ranger, of the shirtless guy training for the "fight."
As with Akira Kurosawa's "Rashomon," I'm sure that everyone who witnessed the fight has a different perspective on what actually went down, but here's my take on the events based on both detailed forensic analysis and consuming an entire six pack of Milwaukee's Best:
Black T-shirt Guy has mistaken the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle for the Schrodinger's Cat Paradox and No T-shirt Guy is not about to let this faux pas pass without a quick witticism, least aspersions be cast upon the intellectual prowess of the denizens of Billings.
A heated yet healthy debate about the choreography of Bob Fosse then ensues right up until the 26 second mark when No T-shirt Guy, in an obvious allusion to Henry V's siege of Rouen, goes on the offensive while Black T-Shirt guy lulls his opponent into a false sense of security by stumbling, falling flat on his ass, and tiring out the other young lion by allowing him to punch his torso repeatedly: a unique strategy indeed.
"Your Dragons style is clearly no match for my Helen Keller style!"
Around the 50 second mark the Dadaist cry of "Round Two" can clearly be heard, signifying that, just like Godot, further fisticuffs are unlikely to appear.
It's also around this point that a passing mime, no doubt taking a break from an evening of walking against the imaginary wind, wanders onto the scene as several security guards earn their $6.25 an hour fee by standing around and pointing before leading finally leading Gray Wife-Beater Man – whom, since he as a appeared out of thin air, will no doubt be charged with Third Degree Witchcraft – away from the action or complete lack thereof. Leaving the assembled onlookers to scratch their collective heads and wonder "Did I leave the stove back at the meth lab burning?"
And now the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• "The story is that the street-cleaner man is a stutterer named Selçuk. The boy with the belt and his friends decided to make fun of the man and even began to physically threaten him. Selçuk eventually fought back and gave the bully boy 20 stitches on the head." (SoV, 0:14)
• You haven't lived until you've seen "BIG Mama BRAWL ! ! !" with what can only be an ice-cream truck jingle playing in the background. Within the next 2:42, you will be able to have said you've lived. (SoV, 0:52)
• Here's a four-second KO. (SoV, um, 0:04)
• Your Cinematic Masterpiece "MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND GIRL FIGHT" Justifiably Redubbed "When Booty-Shakers Attack" Intermission:
• This one's called "When Grinding on a Girl in MIA 'Memorial Weekend 2012' goes wrong, Fight breaks out and gets ugly!" This one will also be redubbed: "Cannibal should've gotten to half-beard guy." (SoV, 0:38)
• Enjoy two creepy white dudes, who laced up gloves, fighting with a windowless van as their backdrop. Won't you help them find their lost puppy? (SoV, 0:12)
• So, um, yeah, Catholic schoolgirls fighting, in uniform, to a Benny Hill soundtrack. (SoV, 0:09)
• This one's called "Spanish Hoodrat Beats Up Lady In Dirty Project Elevator For Talking Sh*t On Facebook!" (SoV, 0:04)
• If there is a tree of knowledge, as one YouTuber maintains, these drunks are fighting under it. (SoV, 0:07)
• Your Bouncer Punching A Hippie Chick On Bourbon Street Interlude:
• This week on Sons of Anarchy Dinner Theater, Jax breaks bottle on somebody's neck, "bar brawl" ensues. (SoV, 0:04)
• Great, now people are getting kicked in the head in Niagara Falls. (SoV, instantly)
• When accusations of pedophilia and "chubby little Mexican girls" turn violent. (SoV, 0:26)
• Presenting "Fight at Freeway Park," in which there really isn't anything that resembles a park, but they are under a highway or at least a concrete ramp, I guess. (SoV, 0:11)
• Your Fuckin'-Hoopster-Involved Street-Fight Interlude:
• This is what happens when people who shouldn't fight fight. (SoV, 0:23)
• And, "this is what happens when you mix large crowds, alcohol, heat and humidity, brave eyewitnesses and snarky amateur videographers (like me!)." (SoV, instantly)
• Todeswurf! (SoV, instantly)
• Others: "2-Year-Old Ballerinas Start Scrapping On Stage!" "Tim boxing @ memorial day bbq." "Bare Knuckle Knockout." "Fight erupts at Drew Expo in Roanoke." "MIDGET FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!" (without midgets). "Nationalists vs police - street fight in Greece 23.05.2012." "Nae vs. Jaz fight." "hood fight (stern)." "deepside u-street fightn." "Angry Black Man Punches Church Girl In Breasts 150 Times." "Brian(AEROPOSTALE SHORTS) vs Jonathan(SHORT MEXICAN IN SKINNYS)." "Huge Gang Fight! (Lots of KO's)." "Indonesian Hooligans Fight." "Tremale vs Bigg Brian." "Saturday Night Fight In Oklahoma." "A Brutal, Bloody Beatdown In Sanlitun Last Week." "Oh, What The Hell, Let's Watch A Kindergartener Get Knocked Out In The Sandbox."
• Your Legless Ass-Kicking Coda: