Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

A Handy Guide For Super Bowl XXXXI Reporters

Illustration for article titled A Handy Guide For Super Bowl XXXXI Reporters

The endless loop of Super Bowl XXXXI coverage is about to begin, and we like to consider ourselves the Mainstream Media's Little Helpers. We're about to all be deluged with a flood of human interest stories — we can use that metaphor because the Saints lost — so we thought we'd make it easier on all the desperate reporters and give them the easy human interest angle for players on each team. It'll just save you time. Today, the Indianapolis Colts.


Gary Brackett. His mother, father and brother all died in a 16-month span in 2003.
Dallas Clark. Mother died days before he graduated from high school.
Tony Dungy. Nice guy. Had son who committed suicide. Is friends with everyone in football. Black.
Dwight Freeney. Has won two Madden Bowls.
Nick Harper. Was once tackled by Ben Roethlisberger.
Marvin Harrison. There is nothing interesting about Marvin Harrison.
Dan Klecko. His dad played football but never made the Super Bowl. (NY papers, take heed!)
Peyton Manning. Used to always choke. Finally beat Patriots. Has obvious daddy issues. Little brother resembles "Arrested Development"'s Buster. Once mooned someone at Tennessee, causing him to briefly resemble a normal human being.
Ricky Proehl. Still alive. White.
Dominic Rhodes. Left Midwestern State early but was not drafted. (The "chip on shoulder" syndrome.)
Bob Sanders. Real first name is "Demond."
Jeff Saturday. Owns record for highest passing rating by a center.
Jim Sorgi. Nicknamed "String Bean" in college. Never plays. An accident as a player in college made it so he can barely speak.
Hunter Smith. Performed a song on "The Bob And Tom Show."
Adam Vinatieri. Has played in the Super Bowl before. Is Evel Knievel's third cousin.
Reggie Wayne. Older brother died in car accident.

If you have any of your own, send 'em in or put 'em in the comments. Let's not make this next couple of weeks any harder on the bored reporters than it has to be.

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