BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Look at these dumb fuckers! They’re $10 million over the salary cap and still couldn’t finish in the top three of a division full of fuckwits and bindle-carriers! They couldn’t finish ahead of the Kings! The Kings who are led by Anze Kopitar and Drew Doughty, whose tires are so bald they make sparks on the ice! They weren’t even close to the Kings! The Knights are miles behind the Edmonton Oilers, who have been the biggest jokes in hockey for like five years! $92 million just doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Oh, we’ve heard all about it, Knights. The injuries, the injuries, the injuries. The horror, the horror. Perhaps the injuries wouldn’t have mattered so much if the Knights’ policy toward roster-building was credit fraud. All the depth is somewhere else, which means a couple boo-boos and suddenly you’ve got nothing in your hand but your own dick! Your fifth-leading scorer is Evgenii Dadonov, a player you tried to toss overboard for cap space at the trade deadline but couldn’t because you couldn’t read. How truly American.
But what team could overcome an injury to their goalie, you say, Knights fans? Yep, you’re definitely the first team in history to find out that trusting Robin Lehner is a fool’s errand. Who could have told you? Oh, that’s right, fucking everyone! Imagine him blowing out his shoulder while trying to play goalie with a megaphone in his hand to tell you what he thinks about everything. You probably should start preparing for Lehner’s tell-all interview this summer. You know it’s coming. Which will be made all the more delicious that you could have just kept your promise to Marc-Andre Fleury, universally agreed to be the nicest guy in hockey, whom you already signed to a contract. Instead, you said the ends justified the means, and you had to be ruthless to win a Cup. There was no room for sentiment. Maybe you do, maybe there isn’t, but you won’t find out, will you?
This organization became the most up-its-own-ass in the NHL thanks to catching lightning in a bottle once when all the other GMs couldn’t figure out how an expansion draft worked. Suddenly, chasing every big-ticket item became confused with progressive thinking. Hey, here’s one for you: This is still the same team that lost to the goddamn Canadiens last year. The Canadiens are now the worst team in hockey.
Don’t worry, Knights, it’ll surely get easier next season or the one after that when all your expensive trinkets get older and older and you have less and less room for support pieces. All your season-ticket base is from somewhere else. As soon as you stumble out of the gates next season, which you will when Max Pacioretty and Mark Stone get hurt trying to park in the players’ lot and their cars just pass within three feet of each other, everyone will move on to something else. As cool as your pregame ceremonies are, they’ll have less effect in front of 10,000 opposing fans. And then Lehner will complain about the lack of support.
Your gold helmets look like Notre Dame runoff, which is fine as that’s another outfit that hasn’t and won’t win jackshit. Your owner constantly refers to the army like Buster Bluth. Alex Pietrangelo is only getting slower. Jonathan Marchessault will call this all a fraud and declare the Knights winners anyway. Keep waiting for William Karlsson to shoot 25 percent for a season again. I’m sure it’ll work out eventually.
You’ll be ok though. There’ll be plenty of sympathy pieces over the next few weeks from hockey writers who are simply upset they can’t drink for free in Vegas in the coming playoffs. They’ll get even more pissy when the Predators eat it in the first round to either the Flames or Avs and deprive hockey writers of their other favorite destination to attend when it’s on the company dime.
Oh, and Jack Eichel is a loser. Anyway, thanks for your time.