A Tree Grows In Bristol

We know the big ESPN interoffice complaint memorandum we posted on Tuesday was enormous and unwieldy, but seriously, folks: It's an absolute treasure trove of gorgeous goodness. So, for the rest of the week, we'll be highlighting two particularly hilarious and illustrative segments from the memo each day. Right now: Trees and shrubs!

Question: Can employees keep the trees that ESPN throws away when doing new construction? Answer: No, employees cannot keep the trees. ESPN analyzes all trees and shrubs that are scheduled to be displaced. Once it is determined which trees and shrubs can survive the move we have them bagged, tagged and relocated. Anything left is then the possession of the contractor. Many of the trees and shrubs at the cafe project have been transplanted at building 4 and other locations on the campus.

As the memo demonstrates, John Skipper is very careful to parse his words when answering employee concerns. But there is one response in which he ditches the doublespeak and lays the company's position out bluntly; let the damn chips fall where they may.

"No. Employees cannot keep the trees."

Is that clear enough for you, Tirico? Exit your vehicle and hand over the sapling, or you will be tasered. We're not telling you again.

It's nice to know that, even though Chris Mortensen got the Michael Vick indictment story completely wrong, ESPN shows careful concern over analyzing its trees and shrubs. The company does not take its environmental stewardship lightly. For, as Woody Allen said: "Only God can make a tree. Probably because it's so hard to get the bark on."

ESPN's Secret Interoffice Complaint Memorandum [Deadspin]