Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

What you missed due to a slight hemorrhoid flareup ...
• NFL: Hey, the Texans played the Broncos last night. Hey! Hello? Is this thing on?
• NHL: Luke, I'm your father, eh. Turn to the dark side you hoser. Hemsky, Oilers end Red Wings' win streak, 4-3.
Actual headline: "Steroids Report Upstages Golf."


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