Prior to Sunday’s win over the Detroit Lions, Fox broadcaster Chris Myers reported that Vikings running back and artisanal switch carver Adrian Peterson fell ill on the team plane after accidentally swallowing a wad of dip. Oof. That is nasty.
But, as someone who has already proven to be fully capable of denying reality, Peterson refuted the report and instead, after the game, blamed his illness on a long-standing and very real shrimp allergy. How convenient to have a life-threatening allergy handy to cover up for your love of Red Man, Adrian!
Anyway, today Peterson doubled down on his shellfish tale and insisted that he got sick from eating shrimp that he KNEW would make him horrifyingly ill. This is means that Peterson is either a) the lyingest liar that has ever lied and is willing to bring the entire peel-n-eat industry down with him, or b) dumb, or c) both! Bears beat writer Kevin Fishbain transcribed the ludicrous explanation for posterity:
You know people would be like, “Why do you beat kids when you know it’s illegal?” Well here’s the thing. I’ve beaten kids my entire life. Beating kids is not my, you know... when you get the beatings ready and you have, for instance, bears, dragons, and children that you’re beating up. You might get beaten more when there’s a bear. You might have a bigger welt on your eye if you’re fighting a dragon than your own kid. And kids might just get you a LITTLE arrested. That’s like a little arrest. Now bears and especially dragons, that’s when I really swell up. So I can kinda get away with beating kids, but I know it’s playing with fire.”
This is crazy. Regardless of whether or not Peterson is lying or really DID feast on a bucket of death krill, I am now extremely worried about his judgment. Join us next week when he’s listed as PROBABLE after sticking his dick in a blender.
Photo via Getty Images.