AFC Championship: First Half

In a matter of minutes the Patriots and Chargers will kick off Championship Sunday from the frigid confines of Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts. The winner is headed for Super Bowl XLII Pink Taco in beautiful Glendale. I'll be here providing updates on this here post throughout the first half of action, so stick around and follow along.

First Quarter

-Everybody is all caught up in this Marmalard injury, but what they aren't mentioning is that he blows at full strength.

-Yes, Shannon Sharpe is stupid, can we go to the stadium now?

-And we're underway! San Diego gets the ball and Marmalard is ready to lead his men into battle!

-Apparently Rodney Harrison and Junior Seau once played for this San Diego franchise. That's a helpful reminder if you happen to have been born in the last ten years.

-His first throw lands at the receivers feet. We're heading for puntsylvania.

-Antonio Gates is heading for the locker room already. He either forgot his mittens or his crutches.

-Three-and-out for Golden Boy.

-And LaDainian's not coming back onto the field. Yep, this is shaping up to be a classic.

-Gates is back on the sideline and the Chargers are starting to move the ball a bit. Michael Turner is going to be very rich very soon.

-Bill Simmons is positive that Miami and San Diego were out to destroy New England when they made the Chambers deal.

-Yep, it was the mittens

-LT's back but the drive stalls out. Pats ball when we return after this Bud Light commercial.

Dude Dude Bro Dude!

-WELKAH!

-Brady sees some pressure and misfires to his hot receiver. The Chargers are getting it back.

-Phil Simms is hyperbolic when referring to his own hyperbole. It's quite a feat.

-And LT's on the bench again. GO TURNER! Michael, not Norv.

-The king of the backup running backs carries the ball into New England's territory. You know, this whole run the shit out of the ball might just be a good idea. It takes Norv all of one play to abandon the strategy. It's what he does, people.

-Big 3rd down here, and Seau's got himself a sack. See Norv, if you had run on 2nd and 7 instead of telling Marmalard to float the ball over Vinny Jackson's head you wouldn't have been in that position. Dick.

-INTERCEPTION, QUENTIN JAMMER! Holy crap Tom, even the secret fetus living in Giselle saw that one coming!

-On a side note, the name Quentin Jammer always reminds me of the SNL skit in which Quentin Tarantino is hosting a talk show for directors. The whole skit he just asks whether or not a particular directer "jammed" their leading lady.

-Back to the game, San Diego got a turnover like everybody said they would. 2nd and Goal, don't fuck up Marmalard!

-He fucked up.

-Ooooh, Marmalard had time to look around and he gave Chambers a chance at catch in the back of the endzone, but he was all over the line.

-FIELD GOAL is good. So Nate Kaeding's guaranteed botched kick is still exists somewhere in the near future.

San Diego 3 - 0 New England

-Matt Cassel might want to start getting loose.

-Moss finally gets to touch the ball and he breaks free on a reverse. The containment forced him back inside but he had enough room to pick up a first down. That's followed up with a big run around the left side by Kevin Faulk.

End of First Quarter

-Beer me that beer.

Second Quarter

-The Pats go jumbo on 35d and short and Maroney converts in a big way. On the next play Faulk takes a dump-off down inside the one.

-TOUCHDOWN, LAURENCE MARONEY. Nice and easy behind the fullback and right guard.

New England 7 - 3 San Diego

-Give that man some Kool-Aid and a washcloth!

-Marmalard's moving his men right back down the field on the Pats defense. 2nd and goal... broken up, intended for Gates.

-And the 3rd down attempt never even had a chance. Another short field goal for Nate Kaeding.

New England 7 - 6 San Diego

-Has a kicker ever broken his foot on a frozen ball?

-Both teams are starting their drives in great field position, and now they've both shown the ability to move the ball with relative ease (like the Pats are as I type).

-So much for that. Jammer just smacked a 3rd down pass like the ball owed him money.

-Kelly Washington was pretty awesome in college, but he was like 23 at the time. Now he's the fifth or sixth receiver for the Patriots and he just made an awesome play on a downed punt. All of a sudden the field position isn't so great for the Chargers.

-Marmalard to Sprightly Sproles for a key third down conversion. If they hadn't gotten that the Patriots would have had five minutes to operate with ideal field position.

-INTERCEPTION, ASANTE SAMUELS! Vrabel got in Marmalard's personal space in a hurry and the quarterback threw up a 50/50 ball. When corners drop interceptions they say "if he could catch he'd play offense" but they don't say the opposite when a wide receiver can't play a bit of defense.

-TOUCHDOWN, JABAR GAFFNEY! Go Gators! That was quick. Two plays, 24 yards, and a touchdown on the heels of the turnover. The analysts were right, turnovers will play a role!

New England 14 - San Diego 6

-The Chargers absolutely cannot let the Patriots get the ball back with more than a minute to play. That means they need to mount a solid drive right now.

INTERCEPTION, ELLIS HOBBS! Nice hangtime, Marmalard!

-The Pats have a 3rd down with a few yards left to gain as we come to the two minute warning. San Diego needs a stop like I need a some slippers. It's drafty in here!

-They get the stop and get the ball back in a good spot. They have the timeouts but they'd be wise to keep it on the ground.

-Hey, they called a draw on first down and it worked for positive yardage. Norv is a genius!

-A huge run by Sprightly Sproles takes San Diego deep into Pats territory. He fumbled at the end but he was called down, the guys upstairs would like a word with the officials.

-He was clearly down, Chargers maintain possession and waste no time getting the ball in Antonio's hands. Gates, not Cromartie. Two Antonio's and not one Bassanio? Can a Jew get a Shylock?

-I can't even blame Marmalard, New England's defense is just really really good when they're backed up.

-Belichick freezes Kaeding and Jim Nantz urges us to watch. God I can't wait for the CBS coverage of the Masters.

-Kaeding just won't fuck up! The field goal is good!

New England 14 - 9 for San Diego

-Marmalard heads to the locker room early and he doesn't even question the sexuality of any fans on his way. Good thing too, we're in the midst of a powder keg of douchery.

End of the First Half