All For Naught

The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast. Huzzah!

• Wasted. I hate having to throw food out that's gone bad. It drives me nuts. "Oh, look, pork chops are on sale," my girlfriend will say. "We should pick up a few extras. Throw 'em in the freezer for later." OK, sure. That makes sense, right? NO! It doesn't! You want to know why? BECAUSE WE NEVER THROW 'EM IN THE FUCKIN' FREEZER FOR LATER! Instead we get home, she throws eight or nine perfectly good meat products into the fridge, we forgot about them, they eventually go bad, I yell, she yells, I really yell, she cries, my ass is on the couch. Repeat every three weeks. Segue: Allen Iverson is an expired pork chop. A.I. tied a career best with 33 points in the first half and finished with 51 (!), but the Nuggets couldn't hold off Kobe and his Lakers in a 111-107 loss.

• Sans Stars. LeBron sits with a sprained left index finger; Cavs lose 105-86 to the Wizards. Kidd sits with a "migraine" ( ahem); Nets lose 100-93 to the Marbury and Curry-less Knicks. Duncan sits with a rusty robotic leg; Spurs beat the Mavericks 97-95. *Scratches head* Don't worry, man. It'll all make sense when we're stoned.

• Labcabincanada. Leandro Barbosa scored 35 points, STEPHEN J. NASH had a season-high 18 assists and Shawn Marion picked up a double-double (two milk, two sugar) as the Suns set a season high in points, out Runnin' the Raptors 136-123. "Offensively we were just awesome," Suns coach Mike D'Antoni said. "They're a good defensive team. They've been holding people to 43 per cent. But c'mon, they're Canadian."

• Whodunit? Kevin Garnett scored, Paul Pierce rebounded and Ray Allen hit a few threes. Final score: Celtics 113, Sixers 103. OK, now to good stuff. According to the AP report, Pierce scolded a few teammates for having too much fun and screaming to some music before the game. Any guesses? I'll say Mrs. Pollard, in the locker room, with The Human League's "Don't You Want Me". You?