All Hail Sepp Blatter, FIFA Emperor-For-Life

As expected, courageous leader, tenacious progressive, and upstanding citizen Sepp Blatter has won re-election as president of FIFA. His impeccable credentials gave him the overwhelming victory over Guy Who Is Not Sepp Blatter, with the first vote ending up 133-73 before Blatter’s opponent generously conceded to the irresistible wave of history.

It has been a trying week for the governing body of international soccer, with arrests of FIFA officials for corruption being carried out by American and Swiss authorities, and the announcement of a separate investigation into allegations of bribery in the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. FIFA is in crisis. The only man capable of leading it back to respectability is Sepp Blatter, and, thankfully for those concerned about ethics, Blatter has received a fifth term to carry out his much-needed reforms.

Blatter’s 17 years in office have been marked by financial irregularities, shady backroom dealings, fraud, graft, cronyism, sexism, dismissal of racism and homophobia, resistance to technological change, a lack of transparency, irreparable rifts between member states, and numerous and toothless ethics investigations. None of these, naturally, are Blatter’s fault. He is a firm and forceful administrator, minutely involved in every aspect of FIFA’s activities, but cannot be held responsible for the actions of rogue actors within the organization.

A vote for the status quo is a vote for progress. A vigorous and united FIFA, marching together under the yoke of Blatter, will be prepared to make the hard decisions necessary to continue to thrive into the 21st century. Who better to combat corruption than the man so intimately familiar with FIFA’s inner workings? Who better to root out malfeasance than the man who has already witnessed so many disgraced and indicted lieutenants? The only thing more productive than four terms of Sepp Blatter is five terms of Sepp Blatter.

The voting delegates have overpoweringly affirmed that FIFA is strong and healthy, and requires no new blood. After all, why fix what clearly isn’t broken? In re-electing Sepp Blatter, FIFA has declared that its way forward is to stay the course.