Since the Eagles will be playing the Big Blue Babyfuckers this weekend, I've generously given her the floor. Enjoy.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t Donovan McSoupcans, prime candidate for Ryan Seacrest’s new reality show, Momma’s Boys , and connoisseur of chunky stew. Ain’t he kicky? At the risk of beating a dead shitbird, I’ll only mention it briefly that Donovan, the quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles – a professional football team, by some standards – gleefully acknowledged earlier in the season that he was unaware of the overtime rules of a game that he has ostensibly been playing professionally for a decade. I’m sorry, but I have a fucking VAGINA and even I knew the overtime rules. But wasn’t it precious how simply he admitted his dimwitted confusion to the press? And then was summarily benched a few weeks later. It was a goddamned inspiration for all of us.
In other news, Andy Reid is coaching from the sidelines with what appears to be a furry ginger snatch on his face. I’m all for superstition, but I’m not sure that looking like a fat homeless guy who just got his chin vomited on by Lindsay Lohan’s cooter is exactly going to secure the win.
But, you know, as we used to say in Jersey, to each his own.
Look, I’m not going to go over every detail of why the Eagles have no chance this Sunday. Suffice it to say, the Giants were pretty much a shoe-in to make the play-offs for most of the season, whereas the Eagles sneaked into the postseason mostly thanks to a couple of other teams shitting the bed at the last minute (I’m looking at you, Tampa Bay, Chicago, and Tony Romo, personally). Also, we have home field advantage, an oversized hamhead of a running back who will smash right through your sad little Eagle faces, and an impenetrable defense that sets my girly heart aflutter. Also, we beat the freaking Patriots in the Super Bowl last year. And we’re even better now than we were then.
What do you have? You have one wide receiver who is engaged to Kendra Wilkinson (congrats on that grab), and another wide receiver who, during Monday Night Football, dropped the ball while celebrating a touchdown…before crossing the goal line. And let’s not forget Donovan McSleepypants who gets sooooo tired in the fourth quarter (poor big, dumb baby!). And, well, a major tendency to choke.
Anyway, comfort yourselves, Philly fans, at least you know that your pretty birdies will give it their best shot. And that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?
Oh, Jesus. What are you gonna do, throw a battery at me?
Ed. Note: Nope. Just show the world how much of a drunken slut you are. Go Birds!