Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
The first semester of my junior year was coming to an end. Somehow I had managed to start hooking up with a girl who had no desire for a relationship, going on dates, or even hanging out in the same place. Eventually one of us would text the other and we'd meet up about once a week. It was a pretty amazing situation.
We had just finished finals, so me and a couple of my roommates head out for the night to celebrate. We head to a local bar and each person (there's about six of us) buys a round of car bombs. We're already shitfaced and we continue drinking throughout the night. At some point everyone brings up this girl, they're telling me I need to get one last night in with her before Christmas break. If I hadn't been in this drunken state, I might have noticed just how hard they were pushing this, but at the time it made perfect sense.
I shot her some super smooth text like "wanna meet up?" and the response was immediate and very enthusiastic, more so than usual. I chalked it up to my sexual prowess and her desire to sample the goods one more time before a long, cold winter break. I exchanged some high fives on my way out of the bar and started strutting towards her house.
She lived on a street of identical houses, and being completely shitfaced and not wanting to barge into the wrong house, I asked her to come outside. Keep in mind that it's the middle of December and I'm freezing my nuts off. She said no problem. I was waiting for about 5 minutes when I got another text from her saying "where are you?" This should have raised some alarm but instead I started pounding on the door of the house I was 95% sure was hers. I kept pounding until lights starting going on in her house. At this point I wanted to get warm even more than I wanted to have sex. She came to the door with all her roommates, all of them looking very sleepy and like they wanted to murder me. "What the fuck are you doing here?" she asked.
Turns out my friends had switched her number in my phone with my ex-girlfriend. After some attempt at explaining myself and them threatening to call the police on me several times, I walked home in the freezing cold and passed out on my couch. Woke up with about 15 missed calls from my ex. Neither of them has spoken to me since, and I still haven't gotten my asshole roommates back.
Friends are horrible.
A few years ago, I was hanging out at a local wannabe club with my friends Andre and Maria. Drinks were flowing as usual, and by last call we were all shitfaced. We are standing at the bar next to the edge of the dance floor when a huge bro fight erupts on the floor, complete with glasses/bottles and a bar stool flying through the air. Instead of leaving, our drunk asses back away from the line of fire to safety so we can gawk and laugh at all the morons.
As things begin to die down, a guy comes stumbling out of the crowd towards us. His face is literally split open from his hairline to the bridge of his nose and blood is pouring down his front. I'm a nurse (obgyn, not used to ripped open faces) and despite his mangled face he was pretty hot, so I intercepted him and took him into the mens room to try and stop the bleeding. 684 cheap paper towels later, it had slowed a lot, but clearly he needed real medical treatment.
He told me his name was Chase, he was in town for business, didn't know anyone here, and didn't have a car (he was staying in a hotel next door to the "club.") I jumped into Captain Save A Bro mode and offered to take him to the hospital. Andre and Maria were down with this plan, we're all pretty nice people, whatever.
After sitting in the ER waiting room for a bit taking sips of various liquors out of airplane bottles, Chase's name was called. He asked me to go back with him as he hated hospitals, and I agreed. 30-something stitches and some Percocet later, he was as good as new.
We drove back to his hotel, and he invited us up for some thank you beers. This is where things got pretty black for me. According to Maria, I climbed on top of Chase and started kissing him. As he pulled off my top (I wasn't wearing a bra) Andre and Maria quietly exited the room. We moved to the bed, and I requested that he fuck me hard, which he was enthusiastic about... until about 30 seconds in, when he said "I'm dizzy," turned his head, and puked off the side of the bed. Ah yes, he did suffer a lovely head injury only a few hours prior.
My vagina dried up, I helped him clean himself up, he swore he would stay awake for a while so he wouldn't die in his sleep, and I exited stage left. When I got into Andre's car, he and Maria nearly cried laughing. Why? Frankenstein's giant slice to the face had smeared blood all over my forehead.
Let's all give Maggie a round of applause for being awesome.
So back in college some friends and I were leaving a bar in the middle of winter and had to walk down this big hill right nearby. I had my hands in my pocket and a girl we were with decided it'd be a good idea to jump on my back for a piggyback ride. After the ensuing faceplant, I find myself having a fake front tooth. While it was a temporary and I was waiting for the rod to settle in my gums to hold the new permanenet tooth, I began seeing a new girl. The temporary would only hold for a certain amount of time until I had to re-glue it back on. Since I only had this temporary for alittle awhile it wasn't a big deal. Well, one day this new girl and I we were in the middle of doing the deed and I feel it come loose, next thing I know, it's off the rod from my gums and just loose in my mouth. I didn't know how to react, so I covered my mouth, mumbled something that didn't make sense, threw her off of me, and ran to the bathroom. After fixing the tooth I came back hoping to left off where we started. She thought it was something she did and stormed out before I had a chance to explain the embarrassing situation.
Big Ben likes the cut of Mark's jib.