albertburneko Page 10 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
You Can't Bully These Motherfuckers
When I write that CNN politics writer Chris Cillizza is the rankest assbrain in the Western Hemisphere, I am not being nice to him. When I write that God clowned Chris Cillizza before he was born by making him Chris Cillizza instead of a shit-eating maggot, I am being unkind. When I say that Chris C...
A Cool Thing Jayson Tatum Does A Lot
One of the best ways for a basketball scorer to shake free from a committed defense is to catch the ball while on the move, instead of from a stationary position, so that his individual defender and the broader opposing defense don’t have time to get between him and a good look at the basket. ...
The Rockets Fine-Tuned Their Equation And Became Invincible
The Houston Rockets led by one point, 50-49, at the end of the first half last night in Minnesota. So it’s not like they were in a crisis situation. But if a lead can be said to be an ugly and bad one, this qualified. ...
My Enemies In Nature, Ranked
It’s more or less springlike now, pending yet another cruel and absurd outbreak of The Eternal Winter of 2017-18. Here in my absurd forest dwelling, spring means that we are emerging, pallid and blinking, to plant new trees and azaleas, to try with ludicrous and doomed vanity to restore some mowable...
Dead Letters: "Now Start Your Down Fall"<em></em>
Subject: Pro-Trump...
Seriously, What The Hell Are The Minnesota Timberwolves Doing?
In Game 1 of the Rockets-Timberwolves series, the eighth-seeded Wolves lost in no small part because they inexplicably froze their two best players, Jimmy Butler and Karl-Anthony Towns, out of the offense. Game 2 was last night, and the Rockets won, 102-82. Here are some stats from that, courtesy of...
Larry Nance Jr. Spikes Trevor Booker's Weak Shot Attempt Directly Into Hell
The Pacers are grinding their way back from Playoff LeBron’s personal game-opening 16-1 run, with no help from this sorry Antawn Jamison-ass quasi-hook flip shot by Indiana’s Trevor Booker, which Larry Nance Jr., acting as the living incarnation of righteous justice, pounded into the parquet so hard...
The Raptors Put The Wizards In The Trash, Where They Belong
The competitive part of last night’s Game 2 between the Toronto Raptors and Washington Wizards was over, long over, by the time some combination of shame and embarrassment sparked a smidgen of detectable pride or competitive intensity in any Washington player. The result was a laughably misleading ...
Nothing Matters, But LaMarcus Aldridge Was Awesome Last Night
They have to say they believe they can win, of course. More than that, they have to actually believe that it’s at least possible, or they would not be the sorts of people capable of claiming the West’s seventh playoff seed with a roster that looks like somebody sat on a keyboard. None of the rest of...
A Timely And Exhaustive Preview Of The 2018 NBA Playoffs
Ah, casual sports fan: We meet again. The 2018 NBA playoffs begin this afternoon! How the hell will you know what is going on in the games, other than like a bunch of sweaty dudes bouncing a ball and throwing it through a pair of rings, if you don’t have some 10,000 words of preview and analysis to ...
Innocent Basketball Coach Released From Purgatory
The Orlando Magic have fired head coach Frank Vogel, according to a report by ESPN’s Adrian Wojnarowski. Vogel coached the incoherent and hopeless but nonetheless consistently hilarious roster of the NBA’s least existent franchise for two seasons, both of which were real and actually happened, comp...
<i>Sea Of Thieves's</i> Ocean Is Vast And Beautiful And Lifelike And It Won't Stop Putting Me To Sleep
Reviews have knocked Sea of Thieves, the big new multiplayer pirate video game for Windows and Xbox, for its lack of content, for repetitive quest structure, and for generally feeling sort of hollow and unfinished. My colleague Heather Alexandra over at Kotaku wrote that playing it “feels a bit like...
<i>The Atlantic </i>Fires Opinion Writer For Opinions He Held When They Hired Him To Write His Opinions For <i>The Atlantic</i>
Does it qualify as a Milkshake Duck if they knew the duck was racist to begin with? What the hell has even happened here?...
Spring Is Here, And That Means It's Time For The Toronto Raptors To Wither And Die
The Toronto Raptors, the first-place team in the Eastern Conference, lost last night, to the third-place Cleveland Cavaliers. They lost to the badly depleted second-place Boston Celtics three nights prior. They’ve lost five of their last eight games, the worst stretch in what’s so far been the best ...
On Easter Sunday, The Denver Nuggets....... <i>Resurrected</i>....... Their Playoff Hopes
Listen. I want you to know that I endured probably close to 45 seconds of deep internal conflict over whether to form this blog around a groan-inducing forced parallel between the sudden restoration of the Denver Nuggets’ playoff hopes and the Easter story of Christ’s resurrection from death. And th...
Isaiah Thomas Sure Is Fucked Now
Here’s some awful news:...
Now Markelle Fultz Can Begin
He wasn’t a revelation. For that matter in many ways he was pretty clunky. A handful of times last night, in his first game action since October—since some mysterious combination of shoulder injury and Steve Blass disease took away his ability to perform basketball’s most fundamental act—Markelle Fu...
Kemba Walker Scored 46 Points In Less Time Than It Took Me To Write A Stupid Blog About It
It’s okay if you did not happen to plan yesterday evening around watching the tanking Memphis Grizzlies visiting the not tanking but nevertheless shitty and irrelevant Charlotte Hornets. I didn’t either, and that’s too bad. Because while I was watching whatever stupid crap instead—Wheel of Fortune! ...
Pretty Much All The Good NBA Players Are Hurt
Giannis Antetokounmpo limped out of Wednesday’s Bucks-Clippers game in the second quarter with a sprained ankle, and did not return. By my count, this brings the number of important NBA players presently either out with injuries or hobbling through them to 9,731,006....