albertburneko Page 16 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Old Man Deron Williams Can Still Play A Little!
Here is a lovely bucket from Deron Williams, in last night’s Eastern Conference clincher between the Cleveland Cavaliers and Boston Celtics:...
Tell Us About Your Extreme Teenage Gluttony
When I was an angular teen with visible ribs and freakish teen metabolism, and not a rotund middle-aged slob, my brother and I used to walk across the street from our high school to McDonald’s in the short interval between the end of the school day and the start of football practice. I’d get two Big...
The Boston Celtics Have A Moral Obligation To Get The Fuck Out
The conference finals have been crud. In the West, what should have been the Golden State Warriors’ first true test became a joyless, perfunctory mercy-killing a little over halfway through Game 1, thanks to a goon doofus’s misplaced foot. In the East, meanwhile, what should have been a deliciously ...
Dead Letters: "You Will Be Quickly Washed Away By A Righteous Thunderstorm"<em></em>
Subject: Your awful behavior...
I'm Sorry To Report That Roger Ailes Ever Lived
Inevitably, in the torrent of obituaries to come, someone will recite a list of Roger Ailes’s personal failings, repugnant views, and malignant actions, but then be sure to credit him with having been a brilliant provocateur or a visionary broadcaster or some shit. “For better or worse,” they will p...
All That's Left To Say Is That The President Is A Big Dummy
Donald Trump is a very stupid dumbass. Like even for a pampered inheritance baby, he’s exceptionally dumb! Just a big idiot. His brain came out of a can with the word “Hormel” on it. He’s stupider than shit. A stiff breeze could beat him at checkers....
The Wizards' Bench Won Somebody A Spot In The Eastern Conference Finals
I guess if you want to pin the outcome of last night’s Game 7 on somebody—somebody other than repulsive unconscious three-bombing Canuck gorilla Kelly Olynyk—you can pin it on Scott Brooks and Ernie Grunfeld....
The NBA Rulebook Was Not Enough To Save Kawhi Leonard's Ankle<em></em>
Here is some bullshit:...
John Wall Kills Celtics With Perfectly Placed Dagger
Down two, five seconds left, season in the balance, the charred end of a night when his team hit 20 percent of its three-point attempts, a postseason in which home teams facing elimination were 0-10, the best defender on the East’s top seed staring him in the face, ladies and gentlemen, I give you J...
Oh Right, They're The Wizards
What’s that, you say? After two consecutive dominant performances at home, the Wizards showed up flat and dazed-looking for a hugely important road game and got their asses kicked through the roofs of their mouths? Why in that case, it must have been literally any time the Wizards have played an imp...
The FBI Was Never Going To Save The Republic You Dolt<em></em>
A few minutes ago, this blog post was very long. I’d been working on it all day! It was like 1,200 words long and I wasn’t half finished. Then I deleted all that shit, because actually, what’s true and worth saying about Donald Trump’s surprise firing of FBI director James Comey is pretty simple....
A Question About Owns
Here’s a video of a town hall held in Dubuque, Iowa, yesterday evening, by ultra-conservative House Freedom Caucus member Rod Blum. In it, a crowd of the constituents who delivered Blum’s district to Donald Trump in November’s presidential election variously boo, shout down, and yell at their congr...
John Wall Is Too Much
In his “Coach’s Corner” bit after the first quarter of last night’s Game 4 between the Celtics and the Wizards, Boston coach Brad Stevens explained to TNT’s David Aldridge how his team had shrugged off an early Washington run to end the period leading 24-20. “Even when it was 8-0 them,” he said, “we...
If Kelly Oubre Jr. Is Suspended, It Will Be Because He Was Honest
First of all, as a basketball euphemism, physical play is bullshit. Everything that happens on a basketball court is physical play. A bounce-pass is a physical play. When broadcast crews and halftime pundits and bloggers say that one team is playing more physical than the other, particularly in the ...
What Is Wrong With The English
The nightmare you see above is the birthday dinner of choice not for a random insane person, but for 42-year-old multimillionaire global celebrity sports icon David Beckham, who could have virtually anything in the world to eat. He chose this. Beans, some kind of sad approximation of fries, ham, not...
Some Basketball Stuff Bradley Beal Did Last Night
The Boston Celtics won a game in which they trailed for pretty much all but a few moments of regulation, to take a 2-0 lead in their best-of-seven Eastern Conference semifinal series against the Washington Wizards. Celtics guard Isaiah Thomas was unstoppable in the fourth quarter and overtime, scori...
I Can't Decide What To Get David Brooks For His Wedding
I mean obviously the first and most important point is: Mazel tov! After a few years of harrowing personal crisis for America’s Foremost Moral Decay Diagnostician, our boy David Brooks has at last found love, and gotten married (to his 23-years-younger former research assistant)!...
Let This Be The End Of The Clippers<em></em>
The Los Angeles Clippers got eliminated on their home court by the Utah Jazz yesterday, in Game 7. The Jazz were the lower-seeded team, so nominally this qualifies as an upset—though of course it wasn’t really, in the dual sense that, A) even before the Clippers lost Blake Griffin to a season-ending...
Who's Tired Of All The Winning?
Wednesday evening, after a round of the familiar, incoherent “Do this or I’ll shoot my own dick off” bluster and 10-miles-from-the-brinkmanship, the White House quietly signaled it would continue making insurance subsidy payments under the Affordable Care Act, to avoid a government shutdown. ...
What In The Damn Hell Were The Hawks Doing?
With a little less than a minute left in last night’s Game 5 between Washington and Atlanta, John Wall dribbled into some open space behind a Marcin Gortat screen and calmly sank a 21-foot jumpshot, giving the Wizards a four-point lead with 47 seconds left to play....