albertburneko Page 23 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Western Conference Finals Will Be Good As Hell When Kevin Durant Shows Up
With around seven minutes left in the third quarter of last night’s game, Steph Curry lost Serge Ibaka around a down-screen and hit a wide-open three to push the Warriors’ lead up to ten points. Oklahoma City mostly had managed to prevent Curry from getting that clean a look at the basket in the gam...
Who Sends Dick Pics? (Lunatics, Apparently)
As an Old Person (and possibly a prude, although I hope not), I’m baffled by the dick pic. As a behavior, first of all—What is it intended to accomplish? Is it meant as an act of sexual hostility? A sincere come-on? Do straight men genuinely believe women are turned on by crappy smartphone snapshots...
Get Fucked, John Kasich
What even was John Kasich’s sweaty, affronted, whatever-happened-to-the-responsible-grownups-in-this-party act if not an even more insulting and ahistorical version of “Make America Great Again”? When was the last time the Republican Party had responsible grownups? When it sold a needless, catastrop...
Farewell To Ted Cruz, Self-Made Sucker
Ted Cruz, the worst possible man, lost the Indiana Republican primary to Donald Trump yesterday. He’d staked it as his last stand in the nominating race, even brokering a cynical armistice with John Kasich to unify anybody-but-Trump voters in the state, and got clobbered anyway, by some 17 percentag...
Buster Olney Thinks Players Union Should Ignore Players, Listen To Buster Olney
By now you know that Marlins second baseman and reigning NL batting champ Dee Gordon has been suspended 80 games for testing positive for PEDs. This will cost him roughly half his 2016 salary, or around $1.65 million; it will not cost him the other half of his 2016 salary, or the remainder of the fi...
Caption Contest: What Is Roger Goodell Saying To This Child?
Roger Goodell and the NFL PR apparatus stopped by Ariel Community Academy in Chicago today, launching something called the Character Playbook, a Chrome browser extension that tells you how to hide the symptoms of a traumatic brain injury, probably. Who knows....
That'll Do, Eastern Conference. That'll Do.
A depressing realization dawned on me as I struggled to stay awake through last night’s Game 5s in Atlanta and Toronto: These teams are shitty. Make a squad of the 10 best players from these four teams—the Hawks, Celtics, Pacers, and Raptors—and any of the West’s top three teams would put it down in...
Nearly Perfect: An Unremarkable November Finals Preview
By November 26, 1995, everybody already knew the 10-1 Chicago Bulls were very good; nobody knew they were the best team in NBA history just yet. Michael Jordan was in his first full season back from retirement, the Bulls had gone down meekly in the playoffs to the young Orlando Magic the season befo...
Kobe Bryant Is Finally Going Away
In a few hours Kobe Bryant’s career will be over. It was very long....
Here Is The Grimmest Of All Philadelphia 76er Anecdotes
Ontological question: If an NBA team chooses its players precisely for their generic inability to compete in the NBA—that is to say, for not belonging in the NBA at all—then are they truly NBA players?...
The Wizards Were Embarrassing Failures This Season, Thank God
If 2015-16 hasn’t quite been a disaster for the Washington Wizards—nobody pulled a loaded gun on a teammate in the locker room, so far as I know—it certainly has been a complete waste. They were supposed to be one of the East’s better teams; instead they are shitty, often embarrassingly so, and will...
Failure Artist Sam Hinkie Produces His Masterpiece
Professional engineer of failure Sam Hinkie quit the Philadelphia 76ers last night via a batshit, borderline incoherent, hilariously self-congratulatory 13-page resignation letter, inadvertently rendering into generous flattery every joke made at his expense over the three years he spent failing at ...
Clinton: You're Too Broke For A Candidate Who Represents You
Here is a hell of a tweet:...
Did The Media Create Donald Trump? (No.)
So the question of the moment is: Did the media create Donald Trump?...
Thinkfluence Man Pretends To Think Empathy Is Bad
“Against Empathy” makes a hell of a title for a video. It’s bold and spicy! Empathy is bad is quite a strong take, after all, given that empathy—broadly speaking, the capacity to relate to and share the feelings and perspectives of others—is a core, defining trait of humanity, which will tend to be ...
Only Bill Simmons Is Allowed To Say Boston Might Want Kevin Durant
Hot sports-media beefing action today, as ESPN used the occasion of tonight’s game between the Thunder and the hosting Boston Celtics to note, on SportsCenter and in an article by Chris Forsberg, that the Boston Celtics probably would like to have 27-year-old four-time scoring champ, five-time All-N...
Marco Rubio Will Have To Find Another Bed To Shit
Marco Rubio may very well be the emptiest suit to have campaigned for national office in my lifetime. He makes Paul Ryan look like Benjamin Disraeli....
Raw Milk Is For Idiots
Some very stupid lawmakers in West Virginia are sick, presumably with the shits. They lifted the state’s ban on raw, unpasteurized milk a few weeks ago, then drank some raw, unpasteurized milk to celebrate, and, well, they are feeling bad lately. This seems an opportune moment to point out that actu...
Ben Carson's Presidential Campaign Was A Big Success
Hear me, O Americans. If lots of people want to give you lots and lots of money to go stand on stages and just kinda sleepily free-associate whatever pops into your mind in response to prompts from strangers, and want to treat you like a rock star for doing it, and will support you in this behavior ...
Darren Rovell Has Written The Most Harrowing Blog Of All
“I tweeted 171 times on Super Bowl Sunday, but at any given time on that day, I had about 250 tweets ready to go that I prepared in the months, weeks and days before the game.” That’s ESPN’s Darren Rovell, in a blog post on Medium about how he, uh, did a good job(?) on Twitter on Super Bowl Sunday—l...