albertburneko Page 26 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Warriors Top Grizz, 119 To—Wait, I'm Pretty Sure This Is A Video Game Score
There’s been a terrible mistake. The AP, ESPN, even the NBA itself—they’re all recording the final score of last night’s Warriors-Grizzlies game as a 119-69 win for the Warriors, but clearly that is the score of some kid’s video game. I mean, ha ha, 119-69, get the fuck outta here, who would even be...
Mike Huckabee Goes "Hunting"
On the sweltering plains of humanity’s early days, pre-industrial tribesmen acquired rich animal protein for their diets via persistence hunting. Working carefully in groups—and taking advantage of the stamina, sweat-cooling, and water-carrying advantages humans have over terrestrial ungulates—they ...
Jeb Can't Fake A Spleen; The GOP Can't Fake A Candidate
You ask a five-year-old to pretend she is a grownup doing a grown-up job, and she will furrow her brow into a stern expression, scrunch up her little mouth into a tight frown, and speak in a deepened, scolding tone of voice. It does a pretty good—and cute!—job of illustrating how a five-year-old per...
Oh, Wow, The NBA Season Started A Few Hours Ago
Hey, the NBA season started tonight! The first nationally televised game, Cavaliers-Bulls in Chicago, started ... uh, pretty much at the same time as Game 1 of the World Series. The late game started a while ago. That’s dumb. I hope you’re watching the World Series....
Your Next Plate Of Meatloaf Is My Treat, Lincoln Chafee
“I have had no scandals,” the ostrich man kept saying. If you angled your head just right, you could hear ... Y’know, in case you had me mixed up with that hiking-the-Appalachian-Trail fella wafting along on the breeze of his breath....
Happy Trails Jim Webb, You Shiny-Eyed Jackanape
Jim Webb ended his presidential campaign yesterday. “Presidential” looks weird in that sentence, doesn’t it? Wait ... he was campaigning for President?...
What If The New <i>Star Wars </i>Sucks, Too?
Last night, the third trailer for the upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiered on YouTube and ESPN. Did you shit your dick? I definitely shat my dick. I think the dick-shittingest moment, for me, was when the new Darth Vader guy was doing the Force to the other guy’s brain, but the low-altitu...
Daniel Murphy Just Keeps Mashing, Might Be Possessed
A Mets source reiterated to the Daily News yesterday that Daniel Murphy’s astounding postseason play hasn’t altered the club’s plan to let him leave this offseason. The Chicago Cubs, for their part, have more urgent Daniel Murphy concerns than what to do with him when his contract expires. Namely, t...
Howie Kendrick Is Probably Still Looking For A Jeurys Familia Slider To Swing At
Sports tactics are easier to judge after the fact, of course, and I am not a big-league lifer, so take this with a grain of salt. Still, I can’t help but imagine that in years to come, when members of the 2015 Los Angeles Dodgers reflect on this season, they will shake their heads sadly, look into t...
No, Seriously, Dissolve The United States
Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of the Navy, a Republican Senator, and Hillary Clinton walk into a bar. Bartender looks them over and says, “Christ, this is 60 percent of the Democratic presidential campaign field? You motherfuckers make Richard Nixon look like Leon Trotsky.” Then Jim Webb knifes him, bec...
The Xbox One Is Garbage And The Future Is Bullshit
Here is an embarrassing story about a bad purchase....
The Cubs Socked Six Dingers Last Night! Man! <i>Six!</i>
Hot dang! Six! That’s how many taters the Chicago Cubs mashed off the St. Louis Cardinals’ butt pitchers yesterday evening. That’s a postseason record, and it has the Cubs one win from the NLCS....
Matt Barnes Terrorizes Ex, Amusing Sportswriters
This past Saturday, Memphis Grizzlies forward Matt Barnes reportedly drove nearly a hundred miles from Santa Barbara to the Los Angeles home of his estranged wife Gloria Govan—whom he was arrested on suspicion of abusing in 2010—to harass and physically attack New York Knicks coach Derek Fisher for ...
Roy Hibbert And Trevor Booker Had A "Fight"
Roy Hibbert is a giant doofus whose sole marketable skill is his ability to raise his arms above his head without falling over. Inconceivably, this once made him the greatest threat to LeBron James’s championship aspirations, but nowadays he is a great big sad hat stand with six fouls to give, and s...
Root For The Dodgers In The Playoffs
It’s no longer the baseball preseason. Time to get your ass fired up for the regular fall season of America’s Pastime. Read all our playoff team previews here. Today, you’re getting to know … THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS....
Mark Davis Travels 500 Fucking Miles To Look Like That!
Probably no haircut in human history has communicated as devastating a summation of its owner’s entire life as the insane orange Moe Howard bowl cut sported by Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis. Carve the shape of it into the wall of his father Al Davis’s mausoleum and it will tell a richer and truer...
<i>Purity </i>Went To Communist East Germany And Found Itself
We’ll move further along in Purity in just a moment. First, I want to relay the story of what happened the first time I opened the book up after the last dispatch, in which I discussed how much truer and more knowledgeably written Jonathan Franzen’s one-paragraph description of Santa Cruz’s weather ...
Derrick Rose Has Fractured Orbital Bone, Will Need Surgery
So says the Bulls’ official website. There is no timetable for his return. ...
Nation Demands Pro-Jonathan Papelbon Takes; Fox Sports Provides Them
The trouble with a story like yesterday’s Bryce Harper-Jonathan Papelbon fight in the Nationals dugout is that it does not contain much—any—ambiguity. It is unambiguously wonderful, that oh-God-this-is-so-fucking-stupid kind of wonderful, and also Jonathan Papelbon unambiguously is a belligerent too...
Players' Tribune Names Kevin Durant Kobe Bryant's Boss
Big news in sports journalism today. Biiiiiig news. Oklahoma City Thunder star Kevin Durant has accepted the position of Deputy Publisher at The Players’ Tribune, the outlet that cuts out media middlemen and lets pro athletes tell their agents’ brand messaging content directly to fans with no filter...