albertburneko Page 27 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Walk Into Lake Michigan Forever, Scott Walker
Wisconsin governor Scott Walker has abandoned his campaign for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. He says he has been “called to lead by helping to clear the field,” but he was polling at around half a percent, which is to say that nobody is calling him to lead a goddamn thing. In a just w...
Dissolve The United States
They are all insane people. Even poor, stressed-out, occasionally lucid-seeming John Kasich: bonkers. Pathology is contextual, and one simply does not bring reasonable takes like Actually, the deal with Iran is okay, provided we do the diligence of enforcing it, just like pretty much every other dea...
I Found <i>Purity</i>'s First Honest Paragraph, On Page 66
When last we met, Jonathan Franzen had mucked up the early pages of his novel Purity with repeated appraisals of the sex appeal of his main character, Pip. I was creeped out, but leaving room for the possibility that Franzen might be up to something that would redeem—or at least make some sense of—a...
How To Hold Elected Office: A Civics Lesson For Meat Suits
Congratulations on your election to public office! Surely this inauspicious-seeming moment marks the beginning of a dramatic rise through the political ranks, a high-minded and principled siege upon the levers of power, a triumph for the little guy, and so on. Before you set off on your journey, tho...
The NFL Must Hire A Commissioner
Today, in striking down the four-game suspension of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady over the Ballghazi football-inflation scandal, federal district-court judge Richard M. Berman issued a stark repudiation of the National Football League’s entire enforcement regime. It’s but the latest in ...
Jonathan Franzen Wants To Bone Pip, I Think?
So Jonathan Franzen is doing kind of a weird thing in the early going of Purity, his latest novel. He’s not the first author to do a version of this weird thing, but the particular way he’s doing it, at least so far, made me want to write about it now, before I’ve finished the entire book....
Eras To Live In, Ranked
The past was awful. It was a time of choleric ignoramuses flopping around in their own shit and killing each other for entertainment. I feel bad for everyone who lived before today....
Fuck Winning
I do not think that the world is in any danger of running out of people who believe winning is the only thing worth feeling good about. I think the world has absorbed Vince Lombardi’s deranged ethic quite well....
Actually, Hurricane Katrina Was Not Super Cool
If you squint hard enough at this nasty number from last week, in which the Chicago Tribune’s Kristen McQueary wrote glowingly of the great civic good Hurricane Katrina visited upon the city of New Orleans a decade ago and of her fervent desire for Chicago to meet a similar fate, you can almost inte...
Mike Florio On Geno Smith: People Treat Me Like Shit, Don't Respect Me
Lousy New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith will miss 6 to 10 weeks with a broken jaw after an irate benchwarmer unleashed the fists of fury on him this morning. Reports say Smith put his finger in linebacker IK Enemkpali’s face during an argument, and caught a hook for it....
Stop Pretending Donald Trump Is Running For President
Tonight, hot pork balloon Donald Trump will participate in a televised debate with nine Republican presidential candidates. He is pretending to campaign for president, and the political press has agreed to pretend to believe him for a little while. It’s cynical and farcical and boring and stupid and...
HitchBOT Was A Literal Pile Of Trash And Got What It Deserved
First things first. “HitchBOT,” for all practical purposes, was a garbage can with an iPhone in it. It could not walk or stand or fire lasers or open a can of beans. By what standard was this piece of useless shit a “robot” in the first place? The answer: a shabby standard. A Canadian one....
Truly I Say To You Today That Bono Is An Asswipe
At the intersection of all the annoying things a rock star can be—messianic, pretentious, vapid, dumb, old, creatively bankrupt, grandiose, utterly bereft of self-awareness, calcified into a grotesque oily wire-rack-in-the-grocery-store knockoff of himself, part of U2, et cetera—there sits Bono in h...
Dipshit Midwestern Dentist Identified As Cecil The Lion's Killer
When Cecil, Zimbabwe’s famous lion, was found to have been killed in early July, authorities initially searched for a Spanish killer. But nah. The Telegraph says it’s a trophy-hunting dentist from the Upper Midwest. Of fucking course it’s an American. We are the fucking worst....
Batman Is A Corny Dingus, And Superman Should Whomp His Ass
As the title suggests, the upcoming stupid-ass movie Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will feature Batman and Superman opposing each other, at least for a while, before they inevitably come together to form what will become the Justice League of America. I do not follow this garbage film franchise...
Tommy Craggs Is My Friend And I'll Miss Him
I am heartbroken. ...
Hey, You Don't Have To Read Harper Lee's New Book
So Go Set a Watchman, the second book about the main characters from the 1960 novel To Kill a Mockingbird, comes out today. That’s the safest way to write that sentence: It permits, I think, all the abundant uncertainty and controversy. This is a book, written by someone, about those characters, and...
Here Are Some Athletes You Should Bone Instead Of Cristiano Ronaldo
The consensus view is that Portuguese soccer mega-star Cristiano Ronaldo, currently being a weird brand robot in Japan, is not just a good-looking and sexy athlete, but perhaps the best-looking, the sexiest male athlete. But nah. His facial features are too small, his eyebrows too sculpted, his chin...
Oh God, What Is Croup, Does My Kid Have It, Oh God Oh God Oh God
Parenting a small child means, of course, doubling the number of people whose well being is your responsibility. This can be difficult, for a Wearer Of A Garbage Bag Because You Forgot To Buy Laundry Soap For The 27th Consecutive Week—for someone who has arrived, mostly by accident, deep in the swam...