albertburneko Page 31 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
How To Drive In The Snow, In A Regular-Ass Car, Without Freaking Out
First, a tale....
How To Cook A Bunch Of Good Food For The Super Bowl Party
So the Super™ Bowl® is here, and that means some sucker—maybe even you!—will be hosting a Super™ Bowl® party which they will feel weirdly obligated to refer to as a "Big Game" party, because the NFL likes to sue people for liking it. You will have to bring something to this shindig—especially if ...
Hey, Get A Load Of This Evil Doctor
The Washington Post has a profile today of Dr. Jack Wolfson, an Arizona cardiologist and holistic medicine, uh, doer or whatever, who's made something of a name for himself by providing a flimsy, fraudulent rime of expertish cover to the reprehensible, morally criminal anti-vaccination crowd in the ...
The Suns Are The Fly In The Western Conference's Ointment
The Suns whacked the Wizards, 106-98, last night in Phoenix. The game was never as competitive as the final score makes it look: The Wizards were playing their fourth game in four cities in five nights, and looked like it; the Suns hadn't played since Sunday, and looked like it. The Suns are 27-20...
Who Would Win If A Hippo Fought A Rhino? A Question For The Ages.
This morning, in the Deadspin staff chatroom, we found ourselves debating whether a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros would win in a head-to-head battle. Since the question wasn't settled there [even after, like, six hours—ed], Albert Burneko and Greg Howard have decided to air the question in a public ...
How To Beat Insomnia, Or At Least Learn Good Sleep Habits, Ya Zombie
One of the features of young-adulthood is being oh God like soooooo hungover and sleep-deprived all the time, darkly glamorous behind thick, black vampire shades and beneath wild bedhead, lurching into your workplace like Death itself with a not now OK scowl and scandalizing all the old married fa...
OKC Broadcasters Shill For Lotto, Your Family Not Dying From Tornadoes
This is just the worst deal, man. Worst of all the deals. Oklahoma City's broadcast team took a moment during the third quarter of tonight's Thunder-Timberwolves game to shill for a scam in which—for a limited time!—Oklahomans who purchase a Mega Millions lottery ticket will be rewarded with ... a...
I Can't Stop Watching John Wall Chop The Nuggets With This Slick Pass
John Wall was at his very best last night in Denver: hanging 19 points and 16 assists on the Nuggets, snatching the endgame away with a flurry of buckets and assists, doing that John Wall thing where the court and the basket and all the players start to seem like a big circuitboard and the ball is...
How To Bake Bay Scallops, And Prove That Size Isn't Everything
Seems like bay scallops get kind of a raw deal, doesn't it? At my local purveyor of seafoods, the big honkin' fist-sized sea scallops get a place of honor in the glass display case, while the bay scallops are stuck over in the freezer across the way, packed by the dozens into grim plastic bags, f...
Report: Broken Old Mummy Kobe Bryant Out For Season
Kobe Bryant injured his right shoulder Wednesday night against the Pelicans; now, ESPN's Ramona Shelburne is reporting that he'll miss the rest of the season with a torn rotator cuff. Neither Kobe nor the Lakers have confirmed, yet; there's still some talk of uncertainty over whether he'll opt for ...
Basketball Is Dead. The Knicks And Sixers Murdered It.
All the precious, fragile, bitterly-won gains of humankind's wretched, fitful, brave, millennia-long upward struggle went up in white-hot magnesium flames last night in Philadelphia and burned away to powder. All for nothing. All fantasies, every damn one. The Knicks and Sixers have shown us ours...
How To Meet Your Significant Other's Parents Without Terrifying Them
Of all the fraught rites of new-relationship escalation—Facebook status changes and move-ins and one of you using the toilet while the other showers and so on—none inspires more anticipatory dread than the Parent Meet. And for a whole host of legitimate reasons: the psychic weight of parental app...
Sad Derrick Rose Airballs An Open Goddamn Layup
Oooh, that is a slick little move, there. The ball-fake to freeze Timofey Mozgov, the little half-Eurostep toward the middle of the lane, the midair adjustment as Mozgov recovers to contest. And then, what in the damn hell. Did the Earth shift 18 inches off its normal orbital path while Rose w...
How To Make Sausage And Peppers: A Guide For The Stir Crazy
This column originally ran on February 16, 2013. However, I've been laid up with strep throat for the past few days, so I'm resurrecting it, both because I haven't been able to cook at all this week, and also because this is what I will cook and eat as soon as I am able to swallow things again....
The Knicks And Bucks Played A Knicks-Bucks Game, But In London
I can't figure out whether the American sports-league practice of sending our shittiest, most boring teams to London is intended to punish the teams, or the English, or what. Clearly somebody is being punished, here, right? Why else do it?...
Mo Williams, Of All People, Scored 52 Points Last Night
The Elias Sports Bureau says that the 15-game losing streak Wolves guard Mo Williams broke with his 52-point explosion last night is the longest ever broken by a 50-point game. The second-longest was an 11-gamer, in 1962, broken by Wilt Chamberlain. That's a neatly truth-telling factoid: Only a ...
How To Survive An Office Meeting: A Guide For Sad Drones
One of the terrors of the modern office job is the meeting, wherein everyone in a particular business unit of a company converges to sit around a sad, grey conference table to recite terms like report and action item and iteration and suboptimal at each other in the hope that these will conjure, m...
My God, My God, The Hawks Are A Fucking Juggernaut
The Atlanta Hawks led the Washington Wizards 87-77 after the third quarter yesterday, which isn't nothing as leads go, but, in its broad outline the game still had the feel of one whose outcome could go either way. The Hawks looked sharper, sure, but the Wizards had won the second quarter and got...
Tommy Craggs Is A Goddamn Wreck In The Kitchen
Much has been said and written, already, about the journalistic acumen, boggling intellectual acuity, and profuse humanity and generosity of Tommy Craggs; how these and other traits have made him, in turn, a terrific writer of one or two vituperative paragraphs per year, a successful editor of ephem...
Hey, Whoa, Maybe The Pistons Are Good Now
The Detroit Pistons went to Dallas and beat the hell out of the Mavericks last night, 108-95, for their seventh consecutive victory. They're 7-0 since waiving Josh Smith on Dec. 22; they were 5-23 before that. Maybe they are good, now!...