albertburneko Page 34 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Lakers Won, Can't Win
The hilarious Lakers finally got a win last night, a 107-92 clobbering of the Hornets in Los Angeles. Turns out, all it took to get the Lakers off the hook was nearly an entire week off to prepare to host one of the most dysfunctional offensive teams in basketball. Should be a pretty repeatable fo...
How To Stir-Fry Beef, The Most Harrowing And Wonderful Thing
The problem with stir-frying is the common perception that it's this simple, quick way of throwing together a good dinner. I don't really know what to make, and I'm running late getting home from work, so I guess I'll just whip up some stir-fry is the thought process that leads, inexorably, to the...
Adorable Kid Thinks Candy Corn Is A Candle, Tosses It In The Garbage
A YouTuber named Kyle Quinn gave some candy corn (which is garbage) to an outrageously cute sixth-grader in China. That sixth-grader thought it was a candle, and threw it in the trash. That sixth grader is the best sixth grader....
The Lakers Suck So Goddamn Bad And I Love It And So Should You
The Lakers lost to the fun and exciting Phoenix Suns last night, 112-106, in Los Angeles. They're now 0-5 for the first time since 1957, when they were the Minneapolis Lakers and Kobe Bryant was only like 15 years old....
Greg Schiano Cooks Bacon In "A Pile" Like Some Kind Of An Idiot
There's lots going on in the ridiculous lede of this Redempto-Matic MMQB story about hilarious football coaching failure Greg Schiano's post-NFL journey of self-discovery or whatever the hell....
Stephen Colbert Goes In On The Damn Swiss And Their Nazi Creamer
So, some Swiss coffee creamer company put Adolf Hitler on its packaging; last night on The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert had some fun at those bastards' expense. "It is so nice to see the Swiss finally have an opinion on Hitler" is my favorite line, but "I like my coffee like I like my women:...
The Lakers Are Still Jump-Kicking Themselves In The Face
A funny thing happened on Halloween: Perhaps inspired by the children of America— who'd spent the evening taking to the streets in elaborate costumes, pretending to be ghosts and ghouls and ninja turtles rather than little kids—the Lakers decided to dress up as a team that can wring success out of t...
How To Roast Mushrooms: A Guide For Reformed Fraidycats
An opinion common to the children of America is that mushrooms are bad. They express this viewpoint with crinkled little noses and furrowed brows, picking mushrooms out of their food with chubby little fingers. "I don't wike these," they say. "They'we gwoss."...
Candy Corn Is Garbage
Many people like candy corn, such as hobos, serial murderers, and Satan. But actually, candy corn is terrible. If you give it out to trick-or-treating children this evening, you belong in fucking prison....
Deadspin NBA Shit List: Jason Richardson, The Man Who Did Not Dunk
Word out of Philadelphia is that veteran shooting guard Jason Richardson has a stress fracture in his right foot; this may prevent him from playing this season, and if it does, his career likely is over....
Come, Let Us Have Another Laugh At The Disastrous Lakers
So the Lakers rolled out their "actually, bad basketball is cool and good" strategy again last night in Phoenix; accordingly, they got their wheels knocked off, losing 119-99 in a game that somehow makes even that score seem deceptively close....
Oh Man, The Lakers Are In Big, Big Trouble
Yep, the Lakers really are going with this whole "play terrible basketball on purpose" thing. Last night against the Rockets, they attempted 10 three-pointers as a team—two more than Houston's Trevor Ariza fired up by himself—and sent the Rockets to the free-throw line 50 times. They did both of t...
Dear America: Quit Flipping Out About Gluten
"A third of American adults say that they are trying to eliminate [gluten] from their diets," reports The New Yorker, in a long feature about our culture's weirdening relationship with this common protein composite. This is insane. Americans are insane....
Hey, Make Baked Ziti Today, Willya?
Hi friends! I'm off this weekend, so instead of a new Foodspin, down below you'll find the one we did a while back about baked ziti. This baked ziti is sooooooo good, full of cheese and meat and happiness, and this is a good time of year to make it. Please make it....
Watch These Non-Ohioans Try To Eat Gross-Ass Cincinnati Chili
Here's twelve non-Ohioans (West-Coasters, specifically) trying to choke down some signature Ohio foods. There's a pretty broad selection of foods, here—Glier's goetta and so forth—but the centerpiece is the Skyline 3-way; they start eating it around 2:10 in the video. Spoiler alert: They think i...
What In The Damn Hell, Paula Deen
Above, via Eater, is a recent advertisement for Paula Deen's Lady & Sons restaurant. It features a black employee of Deen's restaurant, whose job, in our estimation, is to pretend to be a slave. This is her job because Paula Deen wants to sell food to people who will take pleasure from playacting ...
My Friends, It Is Time To Send Brooklyn Beneath The Waves
One of the challenges of writing about things on the internet is having the discipline to contain yourself, for the sake of being able to call an item of work finished instead of knitting it into some mammoth all-encompassing rant about, like, American culture or capitalism or the human condition or...
Bill Murray Reminisces About Slingin' Little Caesars Pizza
Itinerant viral-video elf Bill Murray appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night and talked about making pizzas at Little Caesars earlier in life, "back when Little Caesars was really great." (So, like, presumably before they attempted to turn "our pizzas are old!" into a marketing angle.) He w...
Jesus Christ Ditches His Wife At An Oklahoma Restaurant
A woman has been jailed on a charge of fraud after her husband, Jesus Christ, fooled her into ordering food she couldn't pay for at a restaurant....
Reviewer Jump-Kicks Macho Steakhouse's Dick And Balls Into The Sun
Beast is a self-consciously primal London steak-and-crab restaurant, all ludicrously oversized tables and steaks and crab legs and prices, presented gravely as though in mourning of the fallen at Helm's Deep; a display of such over-the-top machismo that even Vladimir Putin rolls his eyes at it when ...